How can I tell my friend how I feel, getting past her stubborn-ness, and without giving her a way to victimize herself, as she has done in the past?
You can’t. What you can do with complete confidence is get past your own tendency to make yourself out to be a victim. Your friend can only turn you into a "villain" if you allow it. Take responsibility for your part in creating this dynamic in the friendship, stop blaming her for your pain, and take back control. The power has always been yours.