Thanks for your reply, it was helpful howevere I just have to say,
I have finished education, I have a good job, a good partner and a new home,
I think what brought the past back is the fact that the girl lives near my new home,
And the thoughts in my mind are ruining all the good things that are happening right now,
I am trying my best to forget believe me!! I just needed to speak to someone outside the
Box so to speak to help me understand wat happend.
I also don't want it to be molestation, I think I was looking for someone to confirm
That it was not, but as you said other people will say it was others not.
Let me try this again. And get angry at me if you want to. But like I said, everyone can feel sorry for you, but what you need is logic and realism and facts of life, in my humble opinion.
The thoughts in your head aren't ruining anything. You are. Because you decided to catch upon this childhood events for some reason. And you say your life is pretty much in a good place. And I am not a professional. But even I know that this does not come up for no reason at all. It is not coming from anything outside of you. But from within you. You have an issue. You are creating an issue. You are suffering because of that issue. That girl can not cause you any discomfort any more. You are grown up. You are now in control. So is she.
You don't want it to be molestation? I am sorry but I kind of believe you do. Not because you are crazy but I guess you feel great amount of shame because of what happened and it's difficult for you to just accept it as a part of your childhood, experience (bad or good, whichever) that made you who you are today. So tell me, what is stopping you from understanding this and moving on with your life?????
I will now give a personal example on how something may seem certain way but IT'S WHAT YOU FEEL that matters, not what you read, what others have told you, and what the general opinion is. I personally had sexual play incidents with my brother. And he is 6 years younger then me. Yes, you read good. It was just rubbing, no nudity, no grabbing and stuff. But it's still in the sexual domain. Of course i suffered much from it because every rule in the book would say he is going to suffer and be traumatized by this. Not because of sole actions but because of I was that much older. Guess what. He doesn't even remember it and he was 10 years old. No matter how hard i tried to explain and point to the place and time. Why? Some would say he repressed. That is.. bullshit.. It just wasn't traumatizing for him. It was not malicious or harmful and he disposed of the memory as unimportant. And he is a big guy now. A person will have memory of molestation or trauma if they were older then 3 or 4 years of age. It can not be repressed (at least not completely without any trace) because our survival instinct is not allowing us to forget. If my brother was touched in a inappropriate way by a stranger he would probably remember it and have negative emotions by it. You see.. It's all about how you feel. You create your own reality or feelings on certain events and how you feel portrays it in your head.. This does not mean I think I did good, no I did a naughty thing, but people do much much worse and I was still much a child in a way and I will always feel bad about it, but the only cure is to be a better person now. I cannot undue the "then".
The point of all this. If you are having trouble letting this go because you remember fear or pain or coercion this girl put on you at that time I can understand that. You can work on that. But if you can't let it go just because it was what it was, something sexual with another girl child, then you are just creating chaos to yourself for no good reason at all.
I do not want people to feel sorry for me, the only reason I put my story
On here was because nobody knows me, if I wanted that I could find it elsewere.
You asked why I can't understand an move on, I honestly don't no, this is why I'm writing
On here, if I knew how to I wouldn't need advice.however I am starting to understand now,
As you said there were no feelings of fear or pain, the only thing I doubted was the coercion,
You see I thought when she told me "everybody does it" and "that's not fair I done it to you",
I thought that could be her way of coercing me to do it, I would also like to add another reason
For my digging up the past, apart from her living very near by, a 5 year old girl in my family was
Touched very innapropriatly by her 7yr old neighbour, when it all came out what had happend it turned
Out the 7yr old was being abused by her grandad, which explains why she did it, this also sent
Alarm bells ringing in my head, as it was myt friend who suggested everything, even tho I went
Along with it she was the one who told me an showed me how to do it so it made me wonder how she
Knew how to do all off these things.but I suppose the best reason for me to settle with is that we we're
Both naïve children.
You can wonder why it happened and what was the cause but it won't bring anything useful to you really. The fact, was the girl acting out from her own or because someone was perhaps inappropriate with her doesn't do anything for you. That is her life story not yours. But yes, in general, if children act out in a sexual manner in a concerning way, it has to be something they themselves experienced. It is called sexually reactive child. The same thing happened to me. I was abused, physically, emotionally and sexually by my father. He never touched me sexually but I saw some pretty nasty stuff a child should not see. And who will we blame for it now? The world. Has no point really. These bad events should be prevented and stopped and they should be put away. Should this 7 year old constantly be reminded on what happened and what she did. That would ruin her life, and for what? Most 7 year old's don't know how to read or write properly, yet alone grasp the concept of sexual abuse.
None of it is children's fault. It their parent's dirty laundry. Because sexuality is something they use and know to full extent and they just damage the children with it. And not just those that abuse children but also those who ignore sexuality or the need to explain to the child what it is and how to approach it. And then they dread and cry and wonder when a child does something, how was he suppose to know. Just saying: don't do it, is not a sexual guidance. That is stupidity. So leave the child, the child that was you, and the child that was that girl, alone. Just let them be.
You dread coercion because you suffer from lost control. You feel you did not have control in these incidents and perhaps you fear not having control now or in the future. But this is completely false because you indeed do have it. Don't let some kid humping and touching you many years ago be the reason you reach the point of depression and agony. Please. It has no sense.
When I was 12 years old I was going back home from school with my male friend and it was late at the evening, another male friend from my class sneaked upon me, threw me at the ground and started like grabbing me and humping me for a minute or so. The other male friend stand a side and laughed his ass off. I was so mad and so angry but not in one second did I think "Ohh he sexually abused me" and I could have reacted that way. It was just a stupid boy trying to piss me off, he did nothing wrong to me really. Should I have suffered from this? Made my life spin all around it. Blame my mistakes and failures all on it...
Almost daily a person comes to this forum to ask if he or she was sexually abused by another child or was he or she the abuser. It is getting ridiculous. Dr. can practically open a individual forum just for this discussion. And why is this all happening. Because of the mass hysteria that started to take over the media and the world in general. It is war on sexuality. It is war on exploration. These things people are writing about, 30 years ago people would laugh upon it. Child acting out sexually was seen like a naughty thing, they would send him or her to a counselor if needed. Now days they actually send children to jail.
And so in all of this everybody started digging upon their past and cleaning out their closet, in relation to who did what to who, in which pose, at what age and so on. It is completely ridiculous. What I say to them, if you are indeed being torn apart by this, go and face the person involved, tell them how you think now and for God sakes move on with your life.
Thanks bt, your right I feel a lot better, I think I just needed to get it off
My chest and share it with someone, now I relise there are a lot of ppl who have
Been through the same thing and its not a big deal as it was between children.
I suppose my own shame had a part to play in the guilt I was feeling but I'm learning
To keep the past in the past and get back to myself an focus on the future! X