Hi, I'm 21 years old and female, when I was 7 or 8 I had a female frind who was 3 years older
So she must of been 10 or 11, I can't remember how old we were exactly as my memory is blurred
But I know she is 3 years older.
We played all kinds of games like house etc, one day she asked me if I'd ever kissed anyone
And that's how it began, we dry humped then on some occasion done it with no knickers on, so were
Basically rubbing eachothers vaginas together which thinking back makes me feel ill, she touched
Me with her fingers once and asked me how it felt, I told her it hurt a bit, then she touched it
With her tounge and asked me to do it to her, she wasn't looking so I used my finger because I didn't
Like the thought of licking it, she said to me " that's not fair I done it to you", and I truly
Can't remember if I done it with my tounge as my memory is blurred, I remember asking her once
" Does everyone do this" to wich she replied " yes they do it under their coats on the playground".
I can't stop thinking about what happend between us, I've questiond wether I was manipulated or she
Told me everyone does it so I would carry on as she was 3 years older than me, I mean when I turned
11 I knew not to do it with other children, if this isn't the case is there something wrong with me for
Behaving like this, I remember I wrote it in my diary and I cried one night because my brother threatend
To read it, whyt would I cry or be bothered by this if I didn't know it was wrong, I masturbated reguarly
Growing up and wonder if it was because of this, is that unhealthy fir a child? By the way I am straight
And just need some advice or help to put my mind at rest I am driving myself crazy I can't stop thinking
About it and my boyfriend is getting fed up with my constant obsessing!!
Of course he is fed up because you are being unreasonable and ridiculous. I am not competent to deprive you of your right to call yourself a victim. So if you want to, go ahead. But if you want my honest opinion as a person, from one girl to another I will give it to you and you can do whatever you want with it. I am sorry if I sound cold but I have no desire to feel sorry for you because I feel you truly don't need it as well as you don't need all of this that you are doing to yourself right now.
If you read anything on the Dr. Robert archives and I presume you did, you should have know by now that this experiences you are writing about are completely normal part of human development and just part of growing up and forming your psycho-sexual identity. There is nothing wrong with curiosity, even sexual one. Experiences such as this teach children about their own body and the body of others, and help coping with growing sexual urges, especially when adolescence comes. Since most children socialize with children of all sort of ages it sometimes happens that the children involved might have a certain age gap between them. But children by their nature don't consider this age gaps as something relevant since this is not adult sexuality and they may look upon themselves as equals. Children are children.
Large age gaps in sex plays among children should be avoided so younger child would not feel (then or later) as if he or she was manipulated, forced or suggested to do things far beyond something that would normally happen in that age, like real sexual intercourse etc. What matters is how you feel.
If you feel molested, every psychologist would agree with you and confirm it for you, that you indeed were.. But that same psychologist may say to the other girl, exactly the one that you feel molested from, that she was just being curious and that this should be dismissed and forgotten. An older child is not automatically sex offender just because he or she is older, because he or she is in fact still a child.
Now, let's return to your story. You feel abused. WHY? Because you had sex play in general or because it was with a 3year older girl? Should have you known at that age that what you were doing was wrong. I don't know. Since i do not (with many others) consider it to be wrong. Should have she? The same answer. No. The only thing I consider to be wrong would be if you were threatened and forced, or should I say acted upon in a malicious and harmful way. Then I would say what happened was sexual bullying of one child upon another. If it was an adult that touched your vagina and gotten into sex play with you that would be molestation. And you would have every right to suffer from it.
Now let me explain further the depth of your own mind and your SELF-CAUSED suffering. Yes. Your suffering is what you are causing to yourself by yourself. And why is that? The past is long gone and all of these people are different and the story is long gone. PAST DOES NOT ENDANGER THE PRESENT UNLESS WE OURSELVES CHOOSE THAT WAY. I would say you are perhaps running away from some of your present issues and present life and finding answers in the past, alibis as I would say. What you are doing with your life now has nothing to do with those past events. The things you are doing now are your own choices, completely unconnected with the past.
You can find a therapist that will listen to your whole "molestation" story and go with you through every detail, but in fact in my opinion you will worsen your condition even more by this. Why? Because if someone had a past moment where he almost starved to death, we would not bring out that event again and starve him to death again just for him to see how it felt. This is ridiculous. You know what happened and how it felt for you then. And that's where you should leave it. Into the "then" area, and start living in the now. Stop running away to your past. Stop obsessing over a sex play, (or even call it molestation if you want, call it that way, AND MOVE ON), because if you feel you didn't have control then, you in fact have control now. Over everything you do. And so little you are doing for yourself right now.
Punishing yourself, the world, memories on that girl for something that is not even that important and should not be that important to you. You even blame that event for your "regular masturbation" which is completely normal at any age and could only do good for your body and your mind. Your head is filled up with nonsense and you are holding to it, stuck like glued. Let it go. Finish education. Find a job. Change relationship if this one doesn't suit you. Stop finding madness where there is none. Best to you.
Thanks for your reply, it was helpful howevere I just have to say,
I have finished education, I have a good job, a good partner and a new home,
I think what brought the past back is the fact that the girl lives near my new home,
And the thoughts in my mind are ruining all the good things that are happening right now,
I am trying my best to forget believe me!! I just needed to speak to someone outside the
Box so to speak to help me understand wat happend.
I also don't want it to be molestation, I think I was looking for someone to confirm
That it was not, but as you said other people will say it was others not.
Let me try this again. And get angry at me if you want to. But like I said, everyone can feel sorry for you, but what you need is logic and realism and facts of life, in my humble opinion.
The thoughts in your head aren't ruining anything. You are. Because you decided to catch upon this childhood events for some reason. And you say your life is pretty much in a good place. And I am not a professional. But even I know that this does not come up for no reason at all. It is not coming from anything outside of you. But from within you. You have an issue. You are creating an issue. You are suffering because of that issue. That girl can not cause you any discomfort any more. You are grown up. You are now in control. So is she.
You don't want it to be molestation? I am sorry but I kind of believe you do. Not because you are crazy but I guess you feel great amount of shame because of what happened and it's difficult for you to just accept it as a part of your childhood, experience (bad or good, whichever) that made you who you are today. So tell me, what is stopping you from understanding this and moving on with your life?????
I will now give a personal example on how something may seem certain way but IT'S WHAT YOU FEEL that matters, not what you read, what others have told you, and what the general opinion is. I personally had sexual play incidents with my brother. And he is 6 years younger then me. Yes, you read good. It was just rubbing, no nudity, no grabbing and stuff. But it's still in the sexual domain. Of course i suffered much from it because every rule in the book would say he is going to suffer and be traumatized by this. Not because of sole actions but because of I was that much older. Guess what. He doesn't even remember it and he was 10 years old. No matter how hard i tried to explain and point to the place and time. Why? Some would say he repressed. That is.. bullshit.. It just wasn't traumatizing for him. It was not malicious or harmful and he disposed of the memory as unimportant. And he is a big guy now. A person will have memory of molestation or trauma if they were older then 3 or 4 years of age. It can not be repressed (at least not completely without any trace) because our survival instinct is not allowing us to forget. If my brother was touched in a inappropriate way by a stranger he would probably remember it and have negative emotions by it. You see.. It's all about how you feel. You create your own reality or feelings on certain events and how you feel portrays it in your head.. This does not mean I think I did good, no I did a naughty thing, but people do much much worse and I was still much a child in a way and I will always feel bad about it, but the only cure is to be a better person now. I cannot undue the "then".
The point of all this. If you are having trouble letting this go because you remember fear or pain or coercion this girl put on you at that time I can understand that. You can work on that. But if you can't let it go just because it was what it was, something sexual with another girl child, then you are just creating chaos to yourself for no good reason at all.
I do not want people to feel sorry for me, the only reason I put my story
On here was because nobody knows me, if I wanted that I could find it elsewere.
You asked why I can't understand an move on, I honestly don't no, this is why I'm writing
On here, if I knew how to I wouldn't need advice.however I am starting to understand now,
As you said there were no feelings of fear or pain, the only thing I doubted was the coercion,
You see I thought when she told me "everybody does it" and "that's not fair I done it to you",
I thought that could be her way of coercing me to do it, I would also like to add another reason
For my digging up the past, apart from her living very near by, a 5 year old girl in my family was
Touched very innapropriatly by her 7yr old neighbour, when it all came out what had happend it turned
Out the 7yr old was being abused by her grandad, which explains why she did it, this also sent
Alarm bells ringing in my head, as it was myt friend who suggested everything, even tho I went
Along with it she was the one who told me an showed me how to do it so it made me wonder how she
Knew how to do all off these things.but I suppose the best reason for me to settle with is that we we're
Both naïve children.
You can wonder why it happened and what was the cause but it won't bring anything useful to you really. The fact, was the girl acting out from her own or because someone was perhaps inappropriate with her doesn't do anything for you. That is her life story not yours. But yes, in general, if children act out in a sexual manner in a concerning way, it has to be something they themselves experienced. It is called sexually reactive child. The same thing happened to me. I was abused, physically, emotionally and sexually by my father. He never touched me sexually but I saw some pretty nasty stuff a child should not see. And who will we blame for it now? The world. Has no point really. These bad events should be prevented and stopped and they should be put away. Should this 7 year old constantly be reminded on what happened and what she did. That would ruin her life, and for what? Most 7 year old's don't know how to read or write properly, yet alone grasp the concept of sexual abuse.
None of it is children's fault. It their parent's dirty laundry. Because sexuality is something they use and know to full extent and they just damage the children with it. And not just those that abuse children but also those who ignore sexuality or the need to explain to the child what it is and how to approach it. And then they dread and cry and wonder when a child does something, how was he suppose to know. Just saying: don't do it, is not a sexual guidance. That is stupidity. So leave the child, the child that was you, and the child that was that girl, alone. Just let them be.
You dread coercion because you suffer from lost control. You feel you did not have control in these incidents and perhaps you fear not having control now or in the future. But this is completely false because you indeed do have it. Don't let some kid humping and touching you many years ago be the reason you reach the point of depression and agony. Please. It has no sense.
When I was 12 years old I was going back home from school with my male friend and it was late at the evening, another male friend from my class sneaked upon me, threw me at the ground and started like grabbing me and humping me for a minute or so. The other male friend stand a side and laughed his ass off. I was so mad and so angry but not in one second did I think "Ohh he sexually abused me" and I could have reacted that way. It was just a stupid boy trying to piss me off, he did nothing wrong to me really. Should I have suffered from this? Made my life spin all around it. Blame my mistakes and failures all on it...
Almost daily a person comes to this forum to ask if he or she was sexually abused by another child or was he or she the abuser. It is getting ridiculous. Dr. can practically open a individual forum just for this discussion. And why is this all happening. Because of the mass hysteria that started to take over the media and the world in general. It is war on sexuality. It is war on exploration. These things people are writing about, 30 years ago people would laugh upon it. Child acting out sexually was seen like a naughty thing, they would send him or her to a counselor if needed. Now days they actually send children to jail.
And so in all of this everybody started digging upon their past and cleaning out their closet, in relation to who did what to who, in which pose, at what age and so on. It is completely ridiculous. What I say to them, if you are indeed being torn apart by this, go and face the person involved, tell them how you think now and for God sakes move on with your life.
Thanks bt, your right I feel a lot better, I think I just needed to get it off
My chest and share it with someone, now I relise there are a lot of ppl who have
Been through the same thing and its not a big deal as it was between children.
I suppose my own shame had a part to play in the guilt I was feeling but I'm learning
To keep the past in the past and get back to myself an focus on the future! X