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Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

Catalyst is only here to seek attention, that's his only function in life so just ignore him.

Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

Say, Catalyst--

Would you like to be specific about what exactly you found wrong with Dragontongue's reply to Rhia? As I wrote, I thought it was right on the money, particularly in its sensitive attunement to her age and emotional development.

Anyone with half a brain can play oneupmanship games--particularly anonymously online. And only a quarter of a brain will serve to be cleverly dismissive as you seem to enjoy doing. It takes a mensch to write some helpful advice.

I didn't find anything wrong with his post at all.

Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

Hey everyone! Thank you, in advance, to those who will read this all-too-familiar whining of a teenager.

My name is Rhia, and I am a 16 year old female from NY.Cutting to the chase, my parents are amazing people; they really are, but (be it because of the "difficult phaze" as adults like to call it or just the circumstances of this relationship), I find it very difficult to communicate with them. My parents are really funny, smart, educated people; however, their presense sickens me. I KNOW that they love me, but I never want to spend time with them; our conversations are either short or nonexistant. We have nothing to talk about, and I just feel so much more comfortable alone in my room or when they are not home.

For example, today my mother attempted contact and suggested that the both of us should take some dancing classes together, and while, thinking back on it, I find her to be really cute, back then I could not supress a look of disgust and rude silence which brought her nearly to tears. I just freeze up when they are around, and I am very miserable living with them. I do not know why; they really try; they are really nice, but something just doesn't click. Every day that they spend home, I feel emotionally drained. I have great grades, a great circle of friends, great plans for the future, great boyfriend, but I never told them about any of the above, and I do not feel comfortable enough to do so.

Sometimes, when me and my father talk, it turns into an arguement. Had we been discussing physics and had I been Einstein, my dad would still never acknowledge my point of view. Maybe, its the "alpha-male" of the house symptom, but I feel very supressed by it.

If talking it out is not an option, then what is? Many of you experienced teenage years, so as experts, what do you think?

Thank you!

You left this here to be analyzed? Without further detail.. I can only work off of what little you have offered. So if it seems I go way off it's because I don't have enough information to be more accurate but most important is the identification of the theme and trigger here.

So... father is a controlling figure and mother goes around trying, in her own way, to repair the damage that she knows your father is causing.. yet for whatever reason she is powerless to persuade him otherwise? Maybe feel.. betrayed by her inability to help you with your father? A certain kind of disgust with her? Knowing she loves you yet will not defend you?

Girls are naturally closer to their fathers. So when your father denies you that.. bonding feelings he is actually the person segregating you away from him. It is not that you don't want to be around your parents so much as.. you can't stand them as people. Emotionally, they are not for filling your emotional needs. They are neglecting you but how can that be?! Your father... he is so good at what he does. He is so full of himself... and that's why he is blind. He's not smart enough to understand the psychological ramifications of his actions towards you. He is not perfect. Something your unconscious has known this entire time but your ego has been trying to come to terms with. You just want them to love you the way you love them and not have all these barriers and divisions? Your parents aren't mature enough for that. Your fathers ego is in the way of that ever being achieved.

Also the idea that she should show this link to her father, who obviously wants a position of power.. seems very unwise. Wouldn't her father become outraged that she dare expose him in such a manner? Any man who stands on mount superiority cannot be reasoned with by a mere daughter. I don't believe he would do anything but acknowledge her actions as a threat to his ego.

Why do our parents treat us this way? Why are they so self important? Why can't they just love you the way you want them to? Your dad isn't funny. You've heard those same jokes over and over. Doesn't it make you sick how fake they are? How they pretend to be something they are not? Is this you?

I formulate:

The trigger is your fathers ego, the theme is the violations he has made against you in the past, and the stimuli was a recent event in which he violated your denied you emotional bonding.

Standard Resolution: Therapy.. family therapy but that's crap and really doesn't often work becaue egos are involved.

Extreme Resolution/most affective with instant results: Your fathers values are corrupted. A way to quickly defeat his ego and "reboot" his mental foundation is through the fear of death. If your father was to have a near death experience.. it would mentally reboot him and reset all of his mental values. He would realize how important you really are to him and what a fool he has been.

The logic is simple. As your father acknowledge that he was about to die.. it would shatter his false ego completely. He would not think he was so great or powerful and as his false ego would be shattered.. the realization of how important you truly are to him would be revealed.

Like those people who get in a car accident and then go home and hug their kids because they were so worried they would never get to see them again and tell them how much they love them and how sorry they are... It's the same thing only a lot more horrifying as the ego must be destroyed as it was built on a false temple of greed.

Oh and most Alpha males (like myself) do not focus on our ability to control others. (I may seen cruel to your feelings but I am fair and I am honest.) A fair parent who listens to our feelings and wants to truly bond with us. You have the potential to someday give your children that experience as I do my daughter. If nothing else... learn and evolve past the mistakes our parents made.

Disclaimer: You gave me 2 paragraphs and I theorized a lot of the information.

Oh and maybe your fathers lack of truly bonding with you is a defensive cooping mechanism he has initiated in response to a possible fear that you will one day not look at him with the same admiration you have.. had you any knowledge of his emotional weakness... you could exploit that.

Try something for me.

-Find a moment to be with your father during a relaxed time when he is isolated. The closer to bed time you do this.. the better the results! (critical element is close to bedtime)
-Tell him you have something that is really bothering you.
-Tell him you dreamed someone was in your room and you felt like they were going to try to rape you and you were really scared!
-But before they got you your father came and started beating them up! He came to save you and you felt safe again.
-But when you cheered him on he got hurt and fell down.
-It made you really angry that someone would try to hurt him.
-So you attacked that person and you hit them with all you had over and over trying to save your father!
-But it wasn't enough and you were getting tired and fell down.
-You were really scared but then your dad got up and beat them up and made them go away!
-Your dad saved you!!
-Then hug him (physical connections are extremely important for this to work. They must bond with you in some physical manner to correctly initiate the mental theme inhibiting them.) and tell him how much you love him and you're sorry you weren't strong enough to protect him.

The real time affect may not be that great but the unconscious reaction should have altering affects on his aware ego. I believe it will change his perception of you.

This is all based off a loose theory.

Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

I want to apologize for not thanking everyone for advise sooner. My internet was down, so I did not get a chance to read all of these thoughtful responses.

To Dr. Robert

Thank you for advise! I think letting them know how I feel would be a very smart idea, but my parents would not find an online post respectful in anyway. In fact, critisism of or commentary about the adults in our family is considered inappropriate. The fact of the matter, however, is that typing how I feel online and getting responses from educated, reasonable people made me feel a lot better. Thank you very much for your time!

To Dragontongue

I agree with Dr. Robert. Your response was a very sensative and appropriate one and not only for my age - for any age. And well, I know all of the above about them, mostly from their grandparents (whom I get along with very well), well actually, its only my grandma. Anytime they try to comment on my "bad behavior" such as accidently leaving a light on in the bathroom ( juvenile, isnt it?) I try to hint at their mischief such as hanging around wrong crowds or hiding their grades from their parents when they were young. Unfortunately, they have selective memory ( at least in my presense). To be entirely honest, the main drive I had when writing about my problem on this wonderful site was regarding an occurence that day. My mother went through my things - my bags, my closet, my desk, my notebooks, my cards- because she was cleaning up an already perfectly clean room of mine, and I felt that there was no "private" space for me in the house. She did not find anything bad, I don't hide any drugs, I don't drink, I don't have bad photos, I don't keep a journal. Nevertheless, I felt like my "territory" was rudely intruded. I tried confronting them about it, and explaining that I need space, but I believe they took it as a personal attack and I am the only child, so its two vs. one.

Thank you for responding, once again. That did make me think of newer alternatives. In fact, I purchased a travel bag with a lock where I will keep my private things. That made me feel better!

To Catalyst

I'm afraid to say that your posts left me in a little bit of confusion. I am sure that you just had a bad day, so if you need to talk about your problems, I am sure people on this forum will be happy to help. Once again, I did not entirely understand what you were saying, but if you were critiquing any of the people who responded, may I ask you to reconsider your behaviour. This is a great online site, please learn to respect it.

To Whitewolf

Wow.. That is quite an analysis. Thank you for putting all that time into helping a stranger online, and I am sorry, this is the first time I was posting, and Dr. Robert's request on his profile page asks for brevity, but I am guessing I had to focus on clarity. I do believe my father's "ego" is a part of the problem. By ego, I mean the inability to accept his own wrongs and the refusal to admit his mistakes. However , I would not say that my family has the problem with a balance of power. My father is a really smart man, he is not rude in any way. It is just that I disagree with everything he thinks or does while hes got 40 years of experience on me, so my point of view, according to him, cannot be defended because of my lack of experience. I would say he is stubborn, not egotistical. Problem is my parents, though, not my father. In fact, the problem is that I do not have enough space. I mentioned a few more details in my response to "Dragontongue". My message was triggered by my mom entering my room and going through everything I owed - my bags, my documents, my closet. I felt that I had absolutely no place in the house. My mom is very obsessed about our apartment. For example, I cannot lean on walls, I cannot keep my closet open, I cannot touch any glass or mirrors. So, she has those cleaning sessions where she turns my world upside down, making MY room into HER perfect decoration. That is the way it is with everything. For example, I am not my very own persona, I am THEIR should-be-perfect child. I tried talking to them about giving me some room for ME, but they retaliated, saying this, " You should be used to cleanliness! We did not touch anything" Well yes, they just rearranged everything I owned... As a result I lost some very important documents I had from school... and it's just so irritating. Sometimes I wish I had a very troubled sibling so my parents would redirect all of their attention to him/her. Another thing that really upsets me ( though I must admit that I AM a little bit unreasonable with this one) is when they ask me where I am. I never stay out past seven o'clock, and I have really great friends, and most of the time I spend in school working with teachers ( even during summer), but , for example, if I am in the library and they call me and ask wher I am, I am always tempted to lie just so that I know they can't find me. I guess I just want to feel independent, and those calls every two hours, inquiring my location, will soon result into a " Carefull, explosives" sign on my forehead.

I do appreciate your ideas and I am sorry I did not give any detail; I would invision that conversation about rape, my father being defeated, and things of that matter to be exceptionally uncomfortable. While i am sure from the physcological perspective, this would do the trick, I am not mentally prepared to have a dialogue of that level with anyone, even less so my parents. I think I do not want to be closer with them. In fact, sometimes I hope that I can just have a parentless break for a year, so that after it I could come back and actually become friends with them. Your perspective on the situation was very fresh, and thank you very very much!

Just out of curiosity, is it normal for families to be like this? So.. uncomfortable? In the movies, I see happy families where kids talk to their parents all the time, hug, watch movies, but when I watched movie with my parents, it was sort of, isolated. Do families grow out of this stage or will time not fix this?

Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

How do you tell a daughter that her father is not perfect and has control issues? The truth is you really can't. Girls bond stronger with their fathers than mothers and the same is true for boys with their mothers.

Your father is narcissistic. Your ego will never accept what I have said and more than likely you will become angry with me. I'm sorry.

The clue was how you reacted to Dr Roberts suggestion that you should show your family and how you reacted as if that would be a terrible idea. Open minded parents would reflect on what has happened but self absorbed narcs.. only get mad because you threatened their egos.

Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

I'm not at all angry. I do think that both of my parents are very close-minded and I never thought my father was perfect, but they do put me first in their lives. My father does not have control issues... I mean, im not sure what you mean by control issues, but my parents never beat me, never broke my things... nothing in terms of violence.
I am guessing there is no cure for "close-mindness" though!

Once again, thank you for response!

Re: Teen + Parents = Bad Recipe?

Thank you for the nice things you said about my response! :)

My father does not have control issues... I mean, im not sure what you mean by control issues, but my parents never beat me, never broke my things... nothing in terms of violence.

Someone with control issues needs to be in control of everyone and everything all the time. They see their children not as independent human beings, but as possessions. They need to know everything about their 'possession'; where you are, what you are doing, who you are with, what you have in your private areas--and they need to be able to control all of the above. Rather than respecting you as a human being, they treat you like just another thing they own; something to control, mold, perfect, and show off--an extension of their own egos. If your parents treat you like that, then yes, they do have control issues. Any attempt on your part to be your own person will be taken as an attack on their egos. (That travel bag, for example, will probably cause problems.)

It sounds as though they might feel they are protecting you from making the mistakes they made growing up. It may be that they want you to be the perfect child they weren't when they were young. However, it seems to me that they are taking it too far. They have unreasonable expectations of you. 'Don't leave the light on in the bathroom'? 'Don't lean against the walls'? 'Don't touch mirrors or glass'? It's like they are picking on the small things because you haven't given them any large things to pick on. They need to back off a bit. You need some freedom to make your own mistakes.

To Catalyst:

I'm afraid to say that your posts left me in a little bit of confusion. I am sure that you just had a bad day, so if you need to talk about your problems, I am sure people on this forum will be happy to help. Once again, I did not entirely understand what you were saying, but if you were critiquing any of the people who responded, may I ask you to reconsider your behaviour. This is a great online site, please learn to respect it.

Nah, he just wanted to complain a little bit, and picked your thread to do it in. He does that sometimes when he's bored. :) He's an interesting fellow, is Catalyst.

Just out of curiosity, is it normal for families to be like this? So.. uncomfortable? In the movies, I see happy families where kids talk to their parents all the time, hug, watch movies, but when I watched movie with my parents, it was sort of, isolated. Do families grow out of this stage or will time not fix this?

I think all families are a little warped in one way or another. It's part of being human. Movies have a tendency to idealise everything. I would say that your family is not going to just grow out of these problems. I'm afraid you'll have to fix them, or learn to deal with them, yourself. I wish I had a better idea of how you might go about it. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably pack a few bags and run away. :P