I don't know what my problem is. So, yes, I guess I'm trying to see if anyone can explain to me what I'm feeling. Does that sound s.p.-like?
I honestly think it could be as normal as an existential crisis
(I'm in college; thought I knew everything, even thought "I know that I don't know", and 3rd year in, I realize even that knowledge is a joke; on my parents' $$ no less; bad guy problems that seem purely my fault; i feel fake and have no drive)
then... there are some weird patterns in my life (friends, "convictions," identity) + unsettling feelings I have on a day-to-day basis and I seem prone to sociopath-like traits.
Sometimes I'm convinced that - at the least - I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
On paranoia: yeah, I'm ridiculously paranoid like you wouldn't believe. I feel like geekazoid robot from planet IX, in every situation... in class there's just a sweeping sense of frozenness. Ever since I've suspected my own disorder, i feel like people are watching me, and I don't want to mess with their perception, or try to manipulate them or be something I'm not or hurt them.
But that's a lie, because I still easily slip into this charm thing, where I make corny jokes and perform and act happy happy happy...
Lemme know if that sounds so obviously like _______ whatever that might be...
It's quite possible for a sociopath to feel paranoid, and in fact, is generally the case. The inability to trust others and realization that their lack of remorse is considered socially unacceptable puts most sociopaths in a constant state of fear that they will be discovered to be sociopaths. In addition to making their lives incredibly difficult, and potentially putting them in jail, having people realize you are a sociopath makes them harder to manipulate, which is what sociopaths do best. In addition, since the majority of what sociopaths express to other people is facetious, they must also live in a constant state of fear that their lies will be uncovered, revealing them as sociopaths at worst, liars at best.
On the other hand, some sociopaths do experience feelings of omnipotence similar to people with bipolar disorder in the manic state. Often when they lie, they do so with such intense conviction, that they believe their lies to be truth. This often how sociopaths beat lie detectors. This type of sociopath generally ends up committing violent crimes in which he/she fulfills his/her power fantasies. These sociopaths are highly unlikely to experience paranoia.