Dear Dr. Saltzman,

I read your advice on "I Love My Husband But I Am Not Attracted To Him, and I Fantasize About Other Men" because it very well described the history of my 15 years marriage, but now I have got a question as "the husband":

My wife started an affair some two years ago. I found out in March 2010, since then we had many discussions (no quarrels), a try in counseling (stopped that in August). My wife says, she never thought of leaving me (because of our 2 children 10/12 years), but so far she doesn’t stop contacting the other man (texting, telephone, may be more?). she says, she doesn’t want to lose him as a good friend. I still have problems to trust her, that there is not more than remote contact. Whenever I find out, that she again has spoken to her (ex-)Lover, I am very sad and for the next few days I cannot play the good-humored husband she would like to have.
Our relation is polite, but not much more, no (intimate) kisses (she says because of halitosis– I already went to two doctors, but there is not much to find physically) and of course no sex (she says, she could not imagine ever to have sex again with me - before she confessed her affair we had sex regularly and she didn't make any suggestion that she disliked it so much).
Our therapist said, this situation could last on year, but after about 6 months with no noticeable change I am loosing hope. Do you think, we can fix our marriage problems, or is it just a matter of time, until she will leave to her "great love" and furthermore what can I do, to help my wife finding “eros” again for me?

Thank you very much in advance,

Peter Walter

Questions: Are you still sexually attracted to your wife? And when was the last time you two had a sexual encounter which you would rate as satisfactory?

Yes, I am still attracted by my wife. Last sex is now some 3 months ago. I am allowed to embrace her, sometimes she even starts cuddling on the couch or leaning her head against me, but she refuses any intimate touch.