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My boyfriends Ex-Wife

I just started dating a guy 2 months ago and he is going through a divorce. He has 2 children ages 5 and 8. He informed me from the beginning that this is his wife's choice, that he does not want the divorce because he still loves her very deeply. During the first 2 months of our relationship, he was still living with her so they could both save money before he moves out. He has recently moved out into an apartment and I thought this would be a new start to our relationship but he seems to think it is okay to spend time with his ex-wife and children doing family things. I do not have a problem with him still being friends with her, I think it is great for the kids sake, but when they do family things together leaving me out of the picture, I have a problem with that. At first he would tell me about it but now he is keeping it from me because I get mad. One time they took the kids to the Labor Day Parade together, another time, they went shopping together and stopped at a bar and had drinks and wings. When he moved into his apartment, she went over to decorated the kids bathroom. Another time, he had an eye appointment and so did his son. She went with. He said because she wanted to be there with their son. Now he plans on taking the kids to the pumpkin patch on Saturday with her and they will be going trick or treating together, while I sit at home. I have not met his kids yet and I understand that. When I talk to him about it, he dont understand why it is a bad thing to be good friends with his ex. Well, I ended up breaking up with him because of it. This is not normal... I have even asked him to put himself in my shoes and that hasnt worked. Our relationship has gone downhill instead of forward because of it. I would really love to hear your opinions on this. Thanks!

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Re: My boyfriends Ex-Wife

Your first mistake was dating a guy through a divorce. I hear that it is almost always a good idea to wait for a year after a divorce is finalized before entering another serious romance. The reasons should be obvious to you at this point. Second, per you, he point blank admitted that he still loved his soon to be ex and implied that he'd rather be with her. Third, he was living with her over almost the entirety of your brief relationship. Surely you had to realize that would put a cramp in your dating. Fourth, of course he wasn't going to include you in his plans with his kids! Your relationship is fairly new and the divorce papers haven't even been drawn up much less signed and sealed! For all you know, they might even get back together. Finally, I disagree with you. It's perfectly normal for people to let their emotions blind them. You allowed your feelings to keep you from seeing that your boyfriend is still enmeshed with his wife and children (which is indeed also normal) and that he would not be available to you in the way that you wanted.

Re: My boyfriends Ex-Wife

Thank you for your reply! I totally agree with you, but he is the one who approached me and he is the one who wanted a relationship with me. I guess I thought that maybe if he was dating someone else, he would learn to forget about his situation. But yes, that was probably wrong of me. But thank you for your input!

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Re: My boyfriends Ex-Wife


You are welcome. I do not think you completely understood my reply so I will repeat it in brief and simple words:
When you concentrate on getting what you want, you miss the bigger picture, and in relationships, missing the bigger picture is a recipe for unhappiness.

Be well

Re: My boyfriends Ex-Wife

When I talk to him about it, he dont understand why it is a bad thing to be good friends with his ex.

It may be a "bad thing" from your point of view, but a friendship between parents is the best possible situation for children, whether the parents are still a sexually active couple or not. You claim to agree with this, but in truth you hate it.

Your blindness to the needs of the children, along with the rest of your misunderstanding of the true situation of these people, results directly from your craving to have things be as you want them to be instead of simply seeing things as they are: a man who loves his children, loves his wife, and never really wanted a divorce anyway. You are there for sex and forgetting his pain, never to replace the people he loves.

Your focus on your own desires, and complete ignorance of the actualities involved here has brought a false self (a false "you") into existence--a "you" which would not be there if you saw the big picture instead of focusing entirely only upon what you want, and imagine you need. It is this false self which now suffers the pain so evident in your post.

As the guru, Nisargadatta, used to say, "No wonder you are unhappy. You are thinking only of yourself, and that doesn't exist."

Re: My boyfriends Ex-Wife

Yes, You are absolutely right, I do want things different... What woman wouldnt. That is not being selfish. The thing is, he told me he was falling for me and wants to be with me. Then he tells me that he is starting to hate her. So your in love with her or you hate her, which is it. And as far as the kids go, I am concerned very much for his kids. His kids are way too young to understand what is going on at ages 5 & 8. There father is living one place, while them and the mother is living another place. We do things together as a family, so hmmmm maybe mom and dad are going to start living together again. So many questions those kids must have. It is one thing wandering what divorce is, but really confusing them about still spending time together as a family. And... No, i do not only think of myself. I left him so that if there is a chance for them to get back together, I wont be standing in their way. Plus it gives me the chance to find what I am looking for instead of wasting time on something that will never happen. If that is selfish, then... Whatever. But thank you for your reply!

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