Dear Dr. Saltzman,

I have depression. I have had it for quite some time but only recently have I taken actions to help me in the “healing” process. Recently I have also noticed that I am also a sociopath. I grew up in with a single parent, my mom, and was always told that my father was in India. When my “father” came to the U.S.; I noticed that I look nothing like him and his treatment of me made me feel as if he wasn’t my father. I also noticed a change in my mother, who went from being close to her kids to being close to this man. I was upset because my mother believe him more than me. When I was 13, and about to graduate from 8th grade, I found out that I was actually a bastard child and my father has not seen me and left before my mom gave birth to me. Throughout high school I became rebellious and developed early sociopathic tendencies. I lied, manipulated people, got into fights for the “rush” and in a way used people to further my own needs.

About two years ago, I met this wonderful young woman. She was somewhat shy and somewhat tough. I saw her as if she was a younger version of my mother. She made me feel good about myself and I was happy. I loved her, and still do. About a month ago I was dumped by her on the grounds that I never give her any space. Even after the break-up I still didn’t find myself giving her space. I was constantly calling and texting her or “bumping” into her on campus. I would find or create ways for us to interact. Before when we were together I would lie to her or manipulate her feelings towards me to have her shun everyone else in her life and spend time with just me. After the break-up, I did the same thing. I lied and manipulated numerous situations to my advantage. When my health faltered I tried to use her concern for me to get her closer to me.

I’ve read up on the signs of a sociopath, and noticed that I show almost all of them. I have a very large ego, I am a pathological liar, very manipulative, I don’t care for certain people (only the ones close to me), I hold dreams of “ruling the world” and I always feel like I’m right, even when I’m not I justify myself. I emotionally blackmail the people that I care about so that way I can get what I want, as in the case of my ex-girlfriend. I know that she still holds strong feelings for me, and that I still also hold strong feelings for her. My only problem is that I can’t trust myself to become less of a sociopath. Everything I read about it tells me that it is untreatable. I’m worried because I do not want to hurt the people I love with the way I’ve been acting recently.

I was wondering if there is something that I can do to stop the way I am behaving. I really do love all these people, which I’ve read is uncommon for a sociopath, and I want them in my life. I'm in college now and I can see that my grades are dropping. I have frequent nightmares that wake me up very early in the morning. I'm sick to my stomach and constantly depressed and looking for ways and schemes to win these people back into my life. I know I have a problem and I really want to do something to fix it, I just don't know what. If you can, please do help me.

Thanks a million,
Jay

This made me laugh, thank you for that.

why did that make you laugh?

Bro, you're not a sociopath.

If you were a sociopath you wouldn't be on this forum seeking advice. Were you actually a sociopath, you would see nothing at all wrong with your misdeeds even were you to recognize that you manipulate people. Sociopaths usually only begin to feel upset when they realize that they are incapable of feeling anything at all. You clearly have emotions and regret the times you feel that you have wronged others.

Relax man, most young men at some time or another obsess over a girl and go to great lengths in order to win her back. This is typical if she finds you clingy. I've been dumped for being clingy, and in all likelihood if you were what you fear you are then you would seem the opposite of clingy to this girl.

Just take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you're ok. You're obsessing, and that can be a symptom of an anxiety disorder, nothing more.

They also have useless 20 question tests to "determine" if you're a sociopath. Have you taken one of those yet?



sounds like remorse



sounds like guilt.

You probably feel fear too. You appear to worry and get depressed. You have no role model for how a man should act towards a woman in a relationship, and the one you were ultimately given was lackluster it sounds like. Your mom was probably a pushover too, and you learned early that it's easier to lie or manipulate than get turned down or be told 'no.' all that carries over into your young adult life, and now you're obsessed with a girl but don't know how to maturely deal with the emotions you feel. And with a lack of a relationship model of your parents to follow, you simply don't have the tools to hold this relationship down. Mostly because you're young.

Learn what you can from it and move on with your life. Apply those lessons to your next relationship, and gradually with more and more successes you'll develop those tools and use them to build a strong relationship with someone you can spend your life caring about.

Oh, and as for all the guilt and remorse stuff you are feeling, you could maybe start with an admission of your misdeeds (to yourself) and work your way to an apology to the individuals. It's like steps 4-7 of a twelve step recovery program or something. Actually, go to an AA meeting and admit to them you're a pathological liar and manipulator and would like to sit it on a recovery program meeting. Maybe there's a liars anon. whatever. Just go. It's actually quite fun, drunks tell the wildest stories.

i mean, i'd say seek out a therapist to talk to about your emotional problems, but, that seems like the cliched response.