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thinking about death?

What is it that I lack? I’m sure that whatever it may be it’s not solely unique to me, in fact I’m willing to bet that a statistically significant percentage of the population feels just as I do….only, for their sakes, I hope their inner monologue isn’t as whiny and self absorbed as my own. Hells bells, what is my problem, seriously? I just can’t seem to be happy. Today I thought about cutting myself (because that’s the traditional route to take along the highway of despair, n’est-ce pas?) and I even tried it but quickly discovered I’m not a big fan. I don’t think I’m edgy or modern enough to believe that pain gives me pleasure or makes me feel more alive or makes me feel in control…yada yada yada. I just felt so retarded doing it I had to stop- it almost made me laugh…so, in a way I guess it was mildly therapeutic in that respect- HA.

Dammit… I’m such a selfish person, and I feel like even though I know what my problems are I just can’t seem to get off my ass to do anything about them. There’s a word for this, I believe it’s called “lazy”, and the cure seems to be “self-control”- egad, the cure sounds worse than the disease, haha. But honestly, are most people happy for long periods of time? Because that’s one trick I don’t seem to be able to pull of with any measure of consistency.

I keep on having these fantasies where I get to die young (of course, in my dream-shenanigans everything is always on my terms so I have the sneaking suspicion they in no way embody the complexities of death and dying) and I always just feel this relief… it’s like, I’ve said my goodbyes….told people who I love that I love them… and then I die and there’s this overwhelming peace. I’m off on the next great adventure. But the thing is, I don’t want to die that way…I don’t want my life to culminate in an escape attempt. I’m not quite sure what I believe but I know that I haven’t given back enough, I haven’t contributed enough and I don’t want to die without giving back at least a fraction of what I’ve been blessed with. But at the same time- I want to die. I really want to die.

I’ve had OCD, bulimia, and depression and internalized most of it. I’d thought about going to therapy because I’m sure it works…but it just never wound up happening. I didn’t want to concern anyone and to a certain extent… it was almost like if I sought out help it would prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not control my own life. I just feel like therapy is like medicine. You take medicine if you’re in pain… but I sometimes think that people take medicine too readily. If you work through the pain you can become a stronger person, and I don’t want to enter therapy lightly. If I can just get control of my thoughts and feelings I know I can beat this thing. I have an amazing family and amazing friends who are just like family. I’m going to be a nurse, did I tell you that? I want to be a nurse anesthetist and hopefully work abroad. In college I was pretty lucky in that I got to serve abroad and I fell in love with it (overall I got to visit over 15 countries and now I only have 2 continents left, Australia and Antarctica, yay!). There’s still so much I want to do and see. I’ve never been in love and I want to be.

But sometimes it’s so hard. I cry all the time when no one’s looking and I feel so much anxiety sometimes that my ribcage feels like it’s made out of barbed wire and my heart’s pressed against it. I know we all have moments of anxiety but occasionally I can feel myself starting to get lost in it and there’s not much I can do. Oddly enough, it’s not external stress that gets me… blood, sickness, new surroundings, poverty don’t really make me feel my lowest lows. Maybe it’s because with situational stress I feel like I can help...take action…be effective. But when it’s just me I’m worthless.

Sorry to write you such a long letter, I just wanted to know, am I normal? Do you think it could just be that I have slight tendencies towards the morose? On average I’d say I think about death (my death in particular) at maybe 10 different times during the day. Is it just curiosity, or is there something I can do to train my thoughts?

Thank you so much for listening, all the best!