I don't know what exactly I'm here for; why I'm typing. Some days I'm convinced that I must be sociopathic; other days I'm convinced I'm not. In truth, this vacillates daily on a mood by mood basis....
I feel like I know myself so well ---- as in, I am constantly diagnosing / pathologizing / looking beneath the operations of my mind.
And yet I can't tell where the problem started. Am I self-pathologizing -- in that, I am emulating this disorder because I tell myself I have it? Or am I self-pathologizing when I think that I DON"T have the criteria for this disorder? Which "self" is a construct, and which one is really existing?
I can't tell anymore!!! I RARELY lie about obvious things, you know? Like, I don't lie about facts. I don't lie about most stuff! AND YET, I feel like I'm living a LIE! I only feel truly honest when I talk about my problems --- about personality disorders....
Well, I feel honest sometimes when I talk about philosophy and religion (great, I'll be a cultleader. AWESOME :[ )
All I know for sure is that I truly do change my personality around different people. *Dramatically*
I know that I have a hard time liking people. I have a hard time caring for people. My own family, sometimes. I have a hard time listening to; understanding - others. I used to be so very social, outgoing, interesting, alive --- I even thought... Loving!
But some trainwreck has occurred within the past few months, and I don't know how to get through any day. I struggle to meet the eyes of people. I'm paranoid. I am often unable to carry a conversation. I feel like I stare at people instead of interacting with them naturally. I'm scared that people know I'm weird when I walk around in public. I cry randomly. I feel like a liar. I'm bored and self-indulgent.
I'm scared. I don't understand.
in the back of my head, i wave it off as an existential crisis, or... i care "too much"... i don't know what to think.
I am constantly diagnosing / pathologizing / looking beneath the operations of my mind
Which "self" is a construct, and which one is really existing?
I feel like I'm living a LIE
know that I have a hard time liking people. I have a hard time caring for people.
used to be so very social, outgoing, interesting, alive...don't know how to get through any day
I'm scared that people know I'm weird
I cry randomly
i care "too much"...
Seriously, this sounded ALOT like my own descriptions of myself. Especially "people knowing I'm weird..." I feel like there's just something about me that people don't like, like how some doctors say people feel uneasy around psychopaths- a defense mechanism (I'm not a sociopath, but there's been times that I've worried I was, as I have exhibited some behaviours).
I'm a borderline personality. It sucks. I overanalyze the hell out of everything, to an extent that I can't make a judgement b/c I don't trust mine. May want to have it looked at.
Also, I was diagnosed as bipolar, although that's now disputed by docs (they think it was b/c I reacted bad to Zoloft as a teen, it's when the behaviour happened).
On a possibly unrelated note, do you have thyroid issues? I have Hashimoto's thyroidism, and when I was last able to go to a doc, they mentioned it could actually be the cause of my problems (weird, I know, I don't honestly understand how that works).