I understand that being driven by primital sexual desires and childhood exploration are normal but on an emotional/intellectual level the guilt of hiding this from my parents and acting in an intamite manner with somebody I consider a peer really messed with me. All I'm doing is looking for support guys. I used to suppress these emotions up until my recent physchedelic drug usage where I found a new appreciation for life and decided to become "up front" and unsuppressed. I just wanna accept the past an move on with my life.
I'm sorry for excessively posting but seeing as how I can't "edit" my other posts (or maybe I can, idk) I decided to just post another one. Just to clarify, I am now seventeen years of age and the last "sex play" I had was about five years ago. I did try to engage a different cousin in sex play (2 years younger than me, i think. Also a "peer") about 3 years ago but he didn't want to. I mature very slowly, always did. Probably because I was born prematurely.
Ok. Let's do it. Some people may think I am on a personal mission to save all of those much similar to me, from suffering. But I'm not sure I can even save myself. I am not God. I can not relieve you from your "sins". Neither can Dr. Robert. Neither can anyone on this planet. And you should then, never ask for such an act from anyone. Now let me explain.
It is what it is. You are human. Tough luck. You're not perfect. Even tougher. I guess by now you read all of Dr. Robert posts on childhood sexuality. So I don't have to repeat absolutely everything that he says. That I said on the "I feel like I shouldn't be loved" thread or my own for that matter. I now understand how Dr. Robert feels and what he meant by saying he simply cannot repeat the same story all over again. Or is that what you need?
What I will say to you and ask you is.. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you seeking condemnation from others? Why do you need to have this image of yourself as a bad person.. in your own head.. and in the head of others???
What is shame? And what is guilt.. It really makes people stupid in my opinion.
You shouldn't ask anyone on the internet if you did a bad thing. You should ask the person involved? If you are now 17, that means your cousin is what.. 13.. you afraid of his reaction? You afraid that he's gonna call you an abuser one day. That he's gonna become a pedophile and it's all going to be your fault? Cause if that is the case, tell me right now so I can give up on the subject immediately.
It's very difficult for me to speak about certain life matters with you, or with Izzy (the girl form the similar post) not because I think you're not smart enough to get it. But because you are both still at the age where I think you could and might still experiment and are in fact not adults and should be young and happy and carefree. Instead you are guilty and ashamed and sad. And that makes me sad.
This emotional suppression in child sexual exploration you speak of is not suppression at all in my opinion. The emotional part is simply not there. Cause as a child you don't care. I would not care if my brother was older or younger then me, or if it was a sister instead of a brother. It had no difference for me who she or he was physically or sexually. I just wanted and sought touching sensation that gave me pleasant feeling like I felt never before. And it didn't matter to me if I rubbed on his hand, but, head or liver. I just needed it. :D You needed it to. Why? because you're growing sexual appetites. Because you WERE DEVELOPING. And you still are.
You did make on interesting point in your post that concerns myself personally and that is that you started masturbation rather late. Well.. My story is similar. To this day I have not been able to make myself come by simply touching myself, using my hands that is. And I am 24. I can rub on the sofa, bed, pillow, toy.. Or use the shower and water stream.. Or rub against another person like I did.. But never did succeed with my hands and I tried quite often.
The dog part. Nahhh.. that kind of stuff is such an often event but too much taboo in it. In the country side, regular thing to have your first sexual contact with an animal. I did it to, when I was 14 I believe. Did you penetrate him or caused him pain or was in any way forceful or hurtful. If you weren't you have nothing to worry about. And if you did, don't ever repeat it again.
I am interested in which country do you live in. Simply because I've learned that there is a different sense of morality and normality for that matter depending on the area of the world you inhabit.
And in the end.. It all depends on yourself. If you choose to listen to the people that will tell you you are a molester, abuser, rapist, pedophile, unworthy human being then you will make yourself believe you are exactly that. Like Dr. Robert said to me. Maybe you like living in that place, maybe it makes you feel safe. If not. Listen to millions upon millions all over the world who have had similar experiences. And many of them would never said it out loud simply because there are that small percentage or pure and "worthy" ones that will condemn them and that teach children that sexuality is when you get married and have babies.
I wish my best to you..
A few laughs at the end.. :D
And of course.. THE BULLSHIT.. :))
I remember one time when me and my cousin were experimenting sexually he asked me if i thought what we were doing was "kinda gay". I shrugged it off with an "idk" (or something similar) and we continued fondling each others genitals with our hands. A few seconds later he asked if i wanted to do something else besides the sexual experimentation we were partaking in because he didn't want to and I said "cmon just ten more seconds" and we continued. a couple seconds later he said "i really don't wanna do this anymore" and at that point I said "ok" and we stopped.
I remember another time during our sexual experimentation where I didn't want to do it anymore and he said "cmon please" and then I said "no" so we did something else.
I feel like during the first example I gave I was pressuring him for a little but when he told me he "really didn't wanna do it anymore" i respected his wishes but i still feel like i did something horribly wrong. This was after we had sexually experimented with each other many times before.
Would this be considered mutual? IT seems like these situations just occured when our levels of sexual desire didn't match up with each others and neither times did it seem like we weren't seeing eye to eye on the situation. I feel like some sort of fucked up molester or something even though these situations occured after we had experimented with each other mutually many times before.
I feel like I need to have a second opinion on this before I can stop obsessing about the whole thing and focus on the present.
You don't get it. Even if it wasn't mutual it is still experimentation and not molestation. But it is experimentation of one child on an perhaps unwilling other child. Still not abuse pro form. That would be Dr. Robert's view and that is what he wrote so many times.
But.. You can also find tons of people that will say to you it was indeed abuse, assault, molestation, rape. Because there was any sex play involved. Because sex play pro form is not normal child behavior by their standards. And the even bigger issue would be the age difference. IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR, OR EVEN BETTER WHAT YOU ARE PREPARED TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION!!! You will never get a universal answer, cause there is always two different opinions on it. Since you know what kind of opinion takes place here u can't say you expected to hear that someone will call you an abuser here. You wanted comfort.
IF YOU WANT TO BE CALLED AN ABUSER, post a story on another forum. I can give you few sites on which 99% of the people will tell you, you should report yourself to the police. Where mothers write and ask how can they make their children stop touching themselves or if they caught a 6year old in a sex play should they call the police? IS THIS KIND OF PEOPLE YOU WANT TO TAKE OPINIONS FROM. There will always be people that will consider you devil's son. And those that will say, you were young and exploring. YOU CHOOSE WHICH SIDE TO TURN TO. Dr. Robert won't make that choice for you.
If you have time and interest I recommend you read this book, I already recommended to another girl..
Simona Vinci - What we don't know about children.
Then you will see what real abuse is all about.
Best to you..
Fine post, BT. Sage and deep advice.
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