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in my mind

Hello. I am 28 w f from New Zealand. I am writing to let you know about my mind. what is in it. on a daily basis I have sudden intrusive thoughts of violence enter into my mind. they are like day dreams, but I am unprepared for them, they come out of nowhere. the first time was when I was 17 I was just walking into my room when suddenly in my mind I saw myself put a gun to head and blew my brains out, when this image entered my mind I jumped like you do when watching a horror movie. Now I have these thoughts often when with others, I may be talking to them and picturing extreme graphic violence towards them, I often have thoughts of watching rapes, beating people, punishing people through torment, and murder. I feel good when I think of these things, but at the same time I do feel guilty. Also confused, in my mind this should all mean I don't care for people, and I do, I care for the plight of the meek, the underdogs, I hate the wrongs in the world, famine, homelessness, I hate crimes against children, innocence lost. I feel for humanity, but take pleasure in "cruisen" I cruise round, in my car, and get stoned and see people as being in danger... I feel if i had less control they would be. I don't want to kill, but I feel that I could, I don't wanna hurt anyone, but then I think about it all the time, I feel so torn, I feel like I"m going mad. I love. My friends, family and pets, even though I tried to drown the family dog when I was 11. I haven't done that since :) and I didn't drown her, I stopped I would never hurt an animal. I just get angry sometimes, things get broken, hit. Am I ill? Is it normal to spend more or your awake time living in a dream world (daydreaming) to the point where you are bringing that world out in to your life and also suffering unwanted thoughts? I have bi polar, I am meant to be on lithium, but I hate taking it, sometimes I tune out for hours, staring into space, I have an anger problem. what do you think?

Re: in my mind

dear Icky,

thanks for your post. I don't know why but i felt a type of peace inside when I read it. Guilt, violence, humanism and everything exist deep inside human. we are all animals and angels. we hate and we love. we help and hurt. it's very great that violence is just in pictures and thoughths for you. and it's awful that you have to take pills. you haven't done anything wrong to blame yourself. and it's a possitive points.
there's something that pills and doctors can't give you. I think you should find a friend, a real one, who you can talk to or write to. you should feel free to tell him/her about yourself. you should never stop hoping for better. but i don't tell you to be absurd.
well i'm quite humanistic and worried for all creatures and take a pile of pills to stand university classes... there's something very helpful for me when I'm in similar conditions. i listen to music and sometimes i play it. or i try to focus on my researches. sometimes i dance and go out with friends. they help me. please try a musical instrument. that may help.

feel lucky...

Re: in my mind

thank you for your reply, you make me sound so normal. I wrote as I am worried about the rush I get when thinking of these things, and am confused at the fact I may be having a wonderful conversation with some at the same time as picturing causing them serious harm or mutilation. But I am not a sociopath or what ever as I do have compassion for people, just not the ones around me. They don't deserve it. They are blind to the world, and they need to see what It really is. The things that worry people today are not what is real, I hate them, and want them all to feel pain, to hurt, to be corrected.

Re: in my mind

i think if you hate them, you won't have any difference with the others. hatred will make you go blind. i'm muslim but i like the sentence" forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who have tresspassed against us". you are unique. you know for years i tried to help others and teach them that smile is the only way to go blind just like the angel of justice. i tried my best and they just commited me some charges and i lost a life but you see now i'm here... you should forgive others and keep on trying. others need you and you need peace.