I'd like to ask your advice about some peculiar behavior that I have seen from my boyfriend lately. We have been together for just over a year. I moved to a different state with him for his new job after we had been together for six months because he seemed like the most decent man I had ever met.
He has a good job and seems pretty stable. He doesn't break the law and I don't think that he intentionally tries to hurt me. However, he isn't able to connect with me on an emotional level. He spends the majority of the day watching TV or on his computer. He admits that he doesn't really understand emotions and he gets really frustrated when his actions are hurtful to me. I know that he wants our relationship and often expresses concern that I may leave him(which I have considered on numerous occasions). Since we moved I've been unable to find work and he has no problem taking care of my material needs and asks nothing in return. He only wants me here with him, which can feel very lonely.
Within the past few months I've begun to notice some peculiar behaviors from him that I didn't notice at the beginning of our relationship. There have been several occasions when it seems that he is masturbating at night. I'm not sure if he's asleep when it happens or if he thinks I'm asleep and that I won't notice. When I questioned him about it he denied it, but I'm pretty sure that's what was happening. Also, I've begun to notice how much he stares at other women. When we're sitting outside of our home and a woman walks by he fixates on her and doesn't take her eyes off her for the entire time she is passing by. And this isn't just normal gazing, there is an intensity in his stare that seems like the "predatory stare" that I've read about recently in articles about sociopaths. When we're in a public place he is constantly looking at women. It's so noticeable because he will turn his head to the side quickly or look over his shoulder as a woman passes by. I find this behavior very disturbing, but when I've questioned him about it, he completely denies it and says that I'm imagining it and that he doesn't do things like that. In fact, he never assumes responsiblity for anything and always blames me for our problems since I'm the one who gets upset about anything that's happening.
He loves watching the true crime programs on TV that go into gruesome details about murders and usually watches these for about an hour before we go to bed at night. I don't see how anybody could find this entertaining or a relaxing way to fall asleep.
I know that he has had problems keeping relationships in the past and worries that I will leave him when his behavior is upsetting to me. Daily it seems that he "reads my face" to see if I'm upset and if I do seem less than happy he immediately wants to know what's wrong. It reminds me of a deaf person reading lips. I don't get the feeling that he cares so much about my feelings as he just doesn't want me to get upset with him and leave.
I feel that most of the time he is only showing me a side of himself that he knows I can accept, but I fear that there is more to him than meets the eye.
I saw a psychological evaluation on him from twenty years ago when he was going through a divorce and the court was trying to determine which parent would be most fit to take custody of their child. It was mentioned that his wife left him because he "ignored her" and was "private". It also noted that his answers to the evaluation questions were obviously not completely truthful and that he only answered in ways that would cast him in the best possible light. Boy, things haven't changed much in twenty years!
Is it possible that he's a sociopath, or am I just making a big deal out of a guy who's out of touch with emotions and the sensitivities of women?
Hexi, youre making quite strong assumptions, probably based on your own experience. My experience is different; Lots of men are very emotionally intune to their partner.
To go back to your question Stephanie. Youve been with him relatively short. Therefore you could maybe look into his past and his past relationships a bit deeper. A background check also could be an option. Apart from that the most important question is whether this guy makes you happy. The fact he masturbates or looks at other women in itself isnt interesting, its the way he does it and makes you feel. It sounds like his actions are feeling 'off' to you. Why not openly discuss this with him. If he isnt open to discuss these things with you or at least makes effort for you than ask yourself why you are with him.
I agree with Hexi. But why not check out your guy?
There are warm and fuzzy guys, and then there is yours. There are all kinds. But he doesn't sound sociopathic to me either, unless there is more to the story.
I hate romantic comedies. Too unrealistic;-)
Anywho, whether you believe it or not isnt the point. A partner (a guy) makes effort to get/understand you and cares about what you feels or not. Whether he truly understands those feelings, relates to them, thats a different question. Get it Hexi?
DB! What up dawg? Are you still getting your insights 'fix' from this ( and the other?) site?