I am currently struggling to keep a distance since I miss her physical charms but realise that she is not going to change. So the affair has ended leaving me feeling grossly exploited. Did I do the right thing and is she suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Passive Agressive Disorder?
Does it really matter if she has a formal diagnosis of any disorder? She made you unhappy, you "walked on egg shells" and she refused to change any of her behaviors.
Life is short, find someone that makes you happy. Sex can be found anywhere.
Ask yourself why you would want this kind of relationship? Sexual attraction is temporary, it will pass. Why not go on vacation and distract yourself?
I do not mean to be shallow or patronizing, I just recognize that I am not a licensed therapist to diagnose the woman that you were seeing with any particular disorder.
What I did see is that you appeared to have put significant effort into understanding and exploring a viable relationship that was satisfying for both of you. And that she walked away from that for reasons that you attempted to explain with good faith.
I guess I oversimplify the fact that sex is available anywhere. You are right that a suitable satisfying relationship is rare, and it did appear to meet your needs at least in the beginning. In my experience, I have found that emotional discomfort outweighs sexual satisfaction, perhaps that is the female side of me. But I understand your point. You may have touched on a point that affects me personally that I have not previously addressed. I had to give up a relationship that met many of my needs because the other person wasn't willing to give me what I needed.
I have always believed that sex could be found anywhere, maybe as I get older or uglier, this may not be the case. My point however was that I believe that staying in a relationship that was as misrepresented by your ex as it appeared (the dependency issues as well as independent facade) would have motivated me at least to look else where.
Is it possible that you are looking for a way to mend this relationship versus understanding her disorder(s)? Excuse my apparent shallowness, it is not meant that way but more as a means to cheer you up if you were in some sort of distress.