I broke up with my ex around 3 weeks ago, and have been convinced that he is a sociopath since then. I was in contact with his family shortly after our breakup and found that there were many incidences where he would have flagrent disregard for my well-being but he'd always acted as though it were his
top priority. I'd kicked him out about 3 months ago where he went to live with his aunt and uncle. I would give him the money to pay a ticket for me but hen he'd said he'd paid it he didn't have a reciept...Id said I needed it and would call them to get one...then he'd come up with this elaborate story where it basically ended up that his aunt had taken it. He'd paid it 2 days before it was due saying his aunt paid him back when really he'd went to them and begged them for it so he basically took my money and did god knows what with it. He told me he'd bought me a car when I was threatening to break up with him over how controlling he was. He told me about all these expensive things he'd put into it and I felt bad and gave him money for it. Everytime he was supposed to drive to where it was with a trailer and get it something would happen to prevent it. His uncle told me there never had been any car. When we first got toghether, he was married at the time. He pursued me as no one else had before. I resisted him for over a month due to the fact that he was married but he'd finally convinced me that it really had been over for ages being that the papers were already filed and they had lived in seperate homes for months. Shortly after I'd given in, he was "kicked out from his aunt and uncle's house"...apparently they had sided with his evil ex-wife. So I took him in. Found out later that had never happened. Shortly after that he lost the job that I met him at. His ex had come in and yelled at him and he'd just walked out. So for about the next year he would just sit around my house, never doing anything and playing on my WoW account. If I ever got on him he would break saying he was so ashamed of the way he was and he was so broken from all the things his ex had done to him...he didn't know why it was so hard for him to get out of this hole he was in. I would take pity and continue buying him everything he needed. I had never met someone as romantic as him. He would tell me all these beautiful things about the way he loved me. How he appreciated so much what I did and that I was the ONLY ONE that cared...i realize now he was trying to make me feel obligated to take care of him. He would always want to spend all his time with me and would feel physically sick if I went anywhere without him. Other then trying to be a man, he would actually make everything about me. Wake up in the morning before I went to work just to spend time with me...rub my feet even though he hated it. I've read that there is a honeymoon stage with sociopaths but it tends to wear thin after marriage or moving in together but I believe I never actually saw that due to the fact that he still needed me for a place to live and someone to take care of him. His ex saw it. He'd admitted to physically abusing and stealing from her. He said he'd married her because he thought he really cared and he felt obligated to after dating her for so long....and that he wanted to finally sleep with her. He says now that he never really loved her and that soon after marriage he realized that she had the type of personality where everything about her became irritating. He'd admitted to treating her horribly and that he feels remorse for it...but all the while we were together he was constantly bad mouthing her, claiming she was a demon and their whole relationship had been a lie...when really she was the one who had gone through this with him. There were still together when he got with me, so he had me set up before he actually left. Anyway, the night that I broke up with him I drove to his work at his lunch and confronted him about things I'd learned from his ex-wife...there was a lot but basically that he had never been a marine, never graduated from high school, never raced cars and all that kinda stuff, lol. he denied it and I said that regardless of what he said I would still contact his family. Then, while crying, he said that they would all tell me what she said because they didn't want us to be together...even though I had met no one in his family. That did it. Flipped him off and drove off. His uncle called me later for my ex's sake because he was so "torn up"...he was bawling and wailing my name in the background. a couple days later I spoke with his aunt and found that he hadn't been back in 4 days. I knew he was with another girl and the things I was finding out about him were making me sick. I sought to warn people by posting a facebook about him. Well the girl found it and kicked him out. She told me the night that I broke up with him he sought her out claiming his father had died and asked her out to breakfast to talk about it. He had been staying with her ever since. She told me he was telling her that I was crazy and this evil b***h. After she kicked him out he tried going back to his aunt and uncle's but they refused him. Now he's telling everyone and their mother that he knows how wrong he is, his childhood f'd him up and he really really wants to change...and now rather than me being this evil woman, I'm the greatest thing on earth. I think this is because on that facebook and to his family i told them that he never really cared for me and doesn't have the ability to love....but my problem is that this is irking me. A big part of me hates him, but at the same time I know I really do want to believe that I was special to him. He admitted to me that yes, there was a reason for every lie he told and it was to benefit himself in some way...and that he rarely felt bad when telling a lie. His family thought he really was a sociopath as I had been saying until he came back crying about changing. They are super religious and think it's possible for anyone to change. I was very frustrated with the fact that everyone was falling for it...for I was so convinced. He's apparently been sleeping in the backs of trucks and in tents behind stores. He literally has no where else to go. I've been treating him so awful. Laughin in his face when he calls me and begs forgiveness. He would tell me that he loves me and I would tell him that there's not a chance in hell I would fall for it. He wanted to see me not too long ago saying that he'd give me something. I wanted it and no longer cared about courtesy with him so I went with the plan of taking it and leaving. But I stayed, and he played a good game. At first I really was in control. Took his phone and called the girl he had been using after me and found that he had slept with her. At this point he was telling me that he was trying to tell the truth regardless of the cost and that he really was changing...god had "saved" him...yet when she told me this and I confronted him, he looked me straight in my eyes begging me to believe it didn't happen. He'd admitted to it later. I was trying so hard not to let his behavior or words affect the way I saw
him but it ended up happening. He was shaking and acting as I'd never seen him do before. He was angry about his childhood, then remorseful, then
angry about how hard it was for him. eventually he turned me around and I ended up talking with him a while about what was necessary for his change. He
was so adament for me to believe that he was really doing it. I forgave him...and even kissed him. I won't go into this because it will make this even
longer (sorry guys) but the next day I found that the night before he really had been full of crap. It hurt all over again. I guess what I'm really
just asking, is yes, he is in a pickle...and that may be why he is acting so sorry and begging forgiveness from everyone, but could it be possible that he may not be a sociopath? Maybe he really is sorry and just can't control it? Even though all the evidence confirms it...would a sociopath admmit to guilt if it were necissary to getting him a place to stay? Because if this is untrue then he's really putting a lot of effort into it....and he's got a lot of people believing it. And I'll admit, even
though I'm pretty much sure this is all an act, especially with knowing all that I know, a part of me still doubts it...or wants to believe it rather. If this isn't true then he's trying to show me and everyone else that he really does care, and he's trying to keep me for someone to fall back on. I would really appreciate any feedback you guys would give me...this is a pretty big deal to me (unfortunately). thanks so much for reading through it :)
Unless you're a glutton for punishment, get rid of him and move on. Some people are masochistic and enjoy being the victim and thus stay in the kind of a relationship you described so i have to ask. If not, move on. He will never change.
Well by no means do I want to be together with him again. I'm just struggling with believing that everything really had been a lie. Although all of this really did happen, before I'd known about any of it the relationship was pretty serious to me. He was the first man I've ever seriously thought about having a family with in the future. He keeps telling me now that although everything else had been a lie, his feelings for me were not...that he really is that guy that I fell in love with....just with a severe problem with selfishness and he's trying so hard to change. And he really did have a hard life growing up. His mother died of heart complications when he was just 1yrs old. Up until the age of 6 his dad was leaving him in crack houses and other evil places like that. His mother's brother would go over to his dad's house and find him in a diaper having been there alone for days and eating cereal off the floor. His dad's brother believed in witchcraft and would put him in the center of a pentagram and have pagan rituals with him in the center. And when his mother's parents adopted him, his aunt told me it was out of obligation. and with his grandma being a drunk and his grandpa working constantly, my ex was a very neglected child. His aunt and uncle confirmed all of this with me. He tells me this lying and selfishness has been a way of life for him for so long, and he's constantly lonely and miserable. He tells me that yes, in the beginning he'd used me to leave his ex and for a place to stay, but that he really did fall in love with me. That there were a lot of times that he was unhappy with me, but others where he really felt truly happy...and at times I'd made it so he didn't feel alone which was rare for him. See, this is hard for me, because the guy that I remember wasn't so bad at all. He'd want to spend all his time with me. We'd go out and I'd buy alchohol and play poker together and just have a blast and dance around my house just the two of us. We'd play strip stratego and fall into bed together laughing. We'd discovered chicken nuggets with hot sauce were really like cheap hot wings and we'd veg out together watching movies. Have shaving cream fights or just stay up late talking about nothing. I loved this guy. And I know that I should KNOW that with everything he did to me he couldn't have felt the same...but damn, really? I want to believe the crap he's telling me just because I want to feel I was special to the guy that was so special to me. He tells me that (other than the people he cares about) that he truly HATES people. That if he ever sees someone doing better than him that he wants to squash them. He'd told me that at times he'd trying doing this to me. That although my family had problems, that there was so much love between us and he was jealous of that so he'd told me my family was disfunctional. Now he's so regrettful of the way he's treated me, because it brought about losing me. He's telling me that he had planned on telling me the major things he was lying about after this huge birthday he had planned for me, because he knew I'd find out eventually and wouldn't stay. He'd admitted that he wasn't planning on telling the whole truth, just the things that I would be sure to find out.
He would always say things to me that now I can't get out of my head. My friends and family never really liked him, and would always interfere and cause drama between us because they thought he was bad for me and full of it. He'd say that he just so badly wanted to take me up to the mountains with him...live in a little cabin on a farm and just get away from everyone...including his family. Does that mean he really did care and knew that I would eventually find out about him? Guess I'm just really not ok yet. I don't really enjoy this struggle in my head and I think I just need some sort of definitive answer without having to give him another chance and believe this...and then finding out later that he never really cared...just as his ex-wife found out. He says things were soo different with her and they could never be like that with me, but my logic tells me this is just him knowing that I want to feel special to him...but he's right. I don't know what else to do but hope that someone sees this and has had a similar experience or has some good advice....things are kindof cloudy for me right now. Even with all this evidence, could he really be this guy with extreme behavioral and emotional problems. Does he really possess the ability to change, or to let anything everyone is telling him sink in? Is he really a lost cause? I would never try with him again, but I so want to believe I meant something, and that someday he really could become a good person. Please someone help.
There are many ways to look at this situation...but the outcome is the same. Whether he really meant what he said on occasion (that he wanted to tell you the truth or part of it, that he really cared for you, that you weren't like his wife, that he really was abused like you want to believe, etc)....the facts are the same...this guy is really damaged and ill, and you being in his life isn't going to fix that.
I am reminded of my passion for being there for someone I love like you seem to love this guy. Love is a two way street. Also, love doesn't fix someone, they fix themselves. I have to remind myself, and maybe you should too.
Whether this guy is a sociopath isn't the issue is it really? Isn't about whether it was real? And apparently it was real to you. That is obvious. What isn't so clear is if it was real to him. And maybe it was at the time, but I doubt based on what you have shared that it changes anything at all.
This man is not a nice man. Even if you laughed and shared and loved. Sometimes people are damaged and they aren't fixable.
You can't fix him. Maybe sometimes he had feelings for you...but he is broken.
It doesn't matter if he is a sociopath or not, it doesn't make a difference. It matters what he has done. If someone whose name you think is John calls you a retard, does it make a difference if his name was Peter in reality?
A bad example, but you can probably catch my drift