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Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Every single male watches porn, regardless of current relationships. We aren't biologically designed to just be with one woman. Would you rather have him cheating on your for real? I don't think so.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Of course I understand that! This doesn't adress that I was there and he didn't need porn if I was ready and willing

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Of course I understand that! This doesn't adress that I was there and he didn't need porn if I was ready and willing

No, he wanted something other than you, you missed my point entirely :D

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

I thought porn was about fantasy.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

I thought porn was about fantasy.

Exactly. And you being right there, ready and willing, is reality, not fantasy. Sometimes fantasy is just more fun.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn


Hexi and Dragontongue have it just about right. You might also like to check out this link:

which has to do with all of this, and also touches upon why your guy would want to hide his porn watching from you.

Be well.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

I am currently in the middle of an interesting, yet disgraceful, debate with Dr. Robert so I will not comment on his post or his replies to e-mails until that problem is resolved, lest I dig any deeper into what is rapidly becoming a battle. I will, therefore, completely ignore the previous post and reply thus:

Whether or not sexual fantasies are more enticing than sexual intercourse is a matter of debate and, in principle, should depend on the person.

Many maen who enter a stable relationship, where they can find sexual satisfaction, have their interest in other sexual phenomena reduced but I don't know if that is absolutely true for everyone.

More to the point: it is a matter of taste, privacy, desire and habit. Even if he would shut you out completely of everything associated with watching pornography and, significantly so, of masturbation, it is never a sign that he is trying to substitute you, or that he likes those things more than having sex with you unless, of course, he starts directing his libido increasingly towards pornography and ************ at the expense of your shared sexual experiences. Think about it: his he truly loosing interest in you or has he always done this and it simply became more visible? Couldn't the fact that you actually found out about this mean that he opened up his sexual intimacy a little bit more than he used to?

It is true men see sexual relations in a different way from women, I will not even go into the differences themselves, but what you describe is not, by itself, a bad omen.

Even in very deep relations there are some things each person must allow the other to keep for him/herself. You should not take it personally, it is just human nature. It is a hard thing to do, but you must give your partner the freedom to keep certain things for himself. With time, a relation tends to mature and the number of things that are kept that private may or may not, depending on who the person is and what is kept hidden, decrease, but they usually do.

Notice that he clearly made headway in sharing those experiences with you once you found out. He is still keeping you a bit out of the loop, if you can call it that, but he made one or two steps towards including you in the sex life he has by himself, with himself.

Don't press the matter, let it evolve naturaly. With time, he may open up more to you but, even if he doesn't, that is not necessarily a bad thing. If he becomes cold and distant, substituting your shared intimacy with his private fantasies in an increasingly visible manner, that is, in principle, a sign of trouble but, having some private aspects in his life is something you must allow him, for the sake of your relationship.

Don't be too harsh on him and don't keep confronting him with that subject. Find more subtle ways to get to that side of his life if you really need to do so (which you shouldn't truly “need” if your relationship is stable). There are so many things you can do that aren't invasive.

Why not try to find out what kind of pornography he likes, when the subject of sex comes up casually, and then turn up with some pornographic material of that kind and watch it in a way he will clearly see what you are doing? Who knows what could happen if you choose the right moment to do so. You can even take it one step further, if you are committed to this exercise, and become a focus for his sexual desire for ************ by doing something provocative while you whatch the pornography you found. Use your imagination. I don't think there are couples who do only this, I don't even think there are many couples who even do this in the first place, but, at times, a sexual event between too persons can be limited to watching each other masturbating until both reach an orgasm (or not), and this can imply a lot of intimacy, as strange as this may sound. It may be uncommon but it is certainly not unnatural.

Think about it: how confortable would you be about masturbating while being observed by an eager spectator, even if you had a lot of intimacy with him, if you didn't adapt to the idea first?

Just don't expect him to stop masturbating and watching pornography in private: that is very unlikely to happen. You must allow him some privacy, even inside a very intimate relationship. Remember this always: having a little bit of privacy is not the same as shutting you out of his life! Accept it and your life together will be all the better for it.

There are two ways to loose a small bird that is in your hands: either you keep your hands too loose and the bird flies away or, you act out of fear, or overwhelming desire, and close your hands so tightly you smother the bird to death. Don't let either one of those things happen to your relationship: don't become negligent about it but don't smother your partner's life either. Find a middle term, a comfortable area where you two share a lot of each others life but not so much as to have too much intimacy. Yes, for most persons there is such a thing as too much intimacy, even in a shared life. Not having any privacy is almost as bad as being a completely closed person, as far as one's mental health is concerned.

I hope this helped...

“A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” - Dave Meurer

Post Scriptum: I find it hilarious that the word "porn" is allowed in this forum while the more palatable, and less mundane, term "porngr***y" is replaced automatically by a series of asterisks.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Please disregard my last post scriptum. I mistook one word for the other. The word missing is "masturb****".

It still seems strange that such a simple and psychologically relevant word be prohibited in a forum about the human mind... Oh well...

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

It's a US thing i guess. It's ok to show a brutal murder of a person but anything related to sex is under censorship. Just look at the wealth of sexually confused and ashamed people posting here, it's quite funny.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Maybe it's a Canadian thing, as that is the physical location of the server for this forum. I was not aware that the forum layout included a so-called "profanity filter." I had been assuming that the asterisks I kept seeing were typed in by forum posters who were self-censoring.

I have located the filter and turned it off. I ask only that we all respect this space as a place for serious discourse among open-minded people, regardless of word choices.

Be well.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Thank you for what you have done, Dr. Robert. I think it is essential in a forum like this.

I understand the need to turn the filter back on if someone starts using truly offensive words but, if that day comes, please try to find a way to change the filter so those words are kept out, while sex related words that have nothing of offensive and are scientically relevant are allowed, even if they are of a sensitive nature to some.

Let's try this one time and see if it works:


I wanted to try other words of a sexual nature, that are important for a correct discussion of some related topics, but it would be awkward to do so here: once they are truly needed, I will use them and see if they are hidden or not.

"The Net interprets censorship as damage... and routes around it." - John Gilmore

Post Scriptum: This is something I edited after submiting the post. As you can see, Dr. Robert was successful. I just hope the original creator of this thread reads my reply: I think it is very relevant to understanding exactly why people have been arguing she should not be worried or vexed by her companion's behaviour.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

I want to thank all of you for your responses. What I get from it is that it has nothing to do with me or him not being satisfied. In fact we are having a great sex life. Now I can think of it from a genetic viewpoint and see it is not a choice so much as a man's biology. I want to especially thank Adam A. because your post helped me and I like the tone of your writing. (If that makes any sense) You all helped me. I have to remember men are of a certain sexual nature and like to watch porn and look at women. I am glad my man has opened up to me and I just hope me getting upset wont curb him from that in the future. Once he even admitted that the idea of marriage scares him because he has to sleep with the same woman for the rest of his life. Again.... biology.

I want to ask you knowledgable guys your take on this: My guy is a morning person and we periodically argue regarding him waking me up in the early morning and being immediately ready for intercourse. It is one thing for him to be waking me up early but what is even more frustrating is that he doesn't understand that women need time to be teased/aroused with some foreplay. I have told him I like to be caressed and kissed but he doesn't seem to be thinking about me. He says it hurts him how I snap at times (being immediately woken up and you know what) and he feels rejected. Most of the time I give in and shortly after when he has orgasmed he is done, kisses me and gets out of bed! It can feel as if I'm just a sex object at times. I know he loves me and I want to make him and us happy.... I know there is no "right or wrong" here but what do you think about it, what can I do?

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Sorry, but you say you have a happy love life on the one hand and on the other you don't seem to even have figured out a way to not annoy each other with your sexual needs and desires. That's a rather double edged sword and i think you might want to reconsider having a happy sexual relationship is.

Also, please consider that basically him masturbating has nothing at all and what so ever to do with the intercourse in your relationship. Masturbation is not a violation of your "intimate trust with each other" , masturbation is a one person only thing. That he is watching porn while pleasuring himself is fair enough, it does not mean he doesn't find you attractive, it doesn't mean he wants to be in a sexual [or any other kind of] relationship with whomever he's feeling turned on by.

It is called self-pleasure for a reason. That reason being that being in touch with yourself and your own desire allows you to release stress and dark thoughts from your mind and just let go for a while. Or to entertain yourself- just have a time out and fun with yourself.

To me the big problem seems to be that even though you are willing to conquer uncharted territory he does not seem to be open to this. He doesn't appear to be ready to let you in, especially on the masturbation part (because really, it's none of your business, it's his business entirely. His body, his desire, his right to act out on it). All you can do is tell him how you honestly feel about it, not forgetting to mention what other emotional triggers feeling rejected and sick-to-the-stomach bring to your mind. Men cannot easily tell why you are upset about their behaviour because they don't link feelings and experiences the way us women do.

If he does love you and wants to make it work a chat about the morning sex situation should really be in order. I, for example am really not a morning person either but since my sex drive is a lot higher over all than my partners, I can easily be coaxed into having sex in the morning IF this involves getting me ready instead of from peaceful dream land straight onto my knees and whiplash before I even got a second to open my eyes properly.

You might be willing to cut him some slack there and let him just walk away after. Feeling like a sex object being left behind in the bed after he did his deed to me reads as low sexual self esteem on your part. If you enjoyed it and he walks off, roll over and sleep another 30 minutes. Have great breakfast. You should not need cuddles and kisses every single time you two have had sex: the reassurance you might be looking for there should already have taken place in having sex and enjoying each other.

In case the current "happy sexual relationship" turns out to be all about his pleasure forgetting about yours: If he is not willing to at least help you and your body to prepare for morning {or any other kind of} sex I would question what his motives are to be in a relationship with you. Adult men (and women!) usually take pride in pleasing their partner and anyone who does not somewhat strikes me as a bloody egocentric, fairly immature and possibly not a good partner, no matter how hard one auto-suggests all is fine, sex is great, love is mutual.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Thank you for replying to my post Joelle but most have failed to understand the main point of my post which was not the issue of him masturbating. I have no problem at all with that! It was the fact that I was there and he acted as if I was not and didn't come to me with open communication and ask me if I wanted to watch erotic material as a couple. That is different than doing something on your own.

Your response is a bit sarcastic which I never did anything to you so whatever.

Just because we have one or two instances doesn't mean we don't have a happy sex life. Anyhow thanks, still, for your help woman to woman.

The problem I have with the morning sex is he doesn't understand foreplay which, sorry to say a lot of men don't. I have taken on the attitude of thinking more of myself and not doing anything I'm not comfortable with.

I don't understand what you mean by "no matter how hard one auto-suggests all is fine, sex is great, love is mutual" Please rephrase.

Ok so as far as him wanting to please me he certainly does want to but I think it is a challenge for him to actually give me an orgasm and I don't know what to do... if this is a mental problem for me such as me being nervous that he is getting impatient or if it is his technique that needs work (definitely a bit of that too)

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Happy sexlife with an incompetent limpdick? Please, give me a break.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

incompetant limp dick? time for a reality check buddy. Seems you're just on here to bitch about things. Maybe you would be happier if you stopped with all this negative thinking? Wow. Do you even read the posts? You're thinking is pretty twisted and I hope you can atleast think about being positive because you are painting the world with a shitty brush pal.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

A half-hearted remark met by such hostility! It's funny. Seems like i struck a nerve.

EDIT: You should check the "Defense mechanisms" thread for some insight. ;)

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

Without seeming harsh...may I ask what the original question was?

Is it why are you sick to your stomache after what you experienced?

Maybe, your feelings are hurt. Afterall, wouldn't we all prefer to be wanted more than a porn video? I know I would. Real life is not as nice as our dreams.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

sure jodartha, the original question was why did my boyfriend use porn online when he was at my house visiting me. I understand men like porn in general but he wasn't alone, he was with me and I felt he was sneaky about it. To me that is something he should do alone, plus we didn't even make love after that that night.... I wasn't in the mood anymore.

Of course we are wanted but there is something about the porn. I know he watches hardcore porn and did more frequently before we were in the relationship. I think something happens to men when they become used to/ desensitized by hardcore porn.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

haha hexi. i don't get you! But I hope you are doing well.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

i still think it's not me getting the point, but you. you want to know why he doesn't want to have a wank WITH you when you're around and technically available.
that is possibly because the "very happy sexual relationship" you two are having according to you might leave him unsatisfied in some way, just as you are with the morning sex issue. Or him masturbating.
It might ALSO just be that he fancies a self-induced orgasm (I, too, think of my hands as incredibly skilled and hassle free lovers who can't do wrong - to myself that is!). And as I pointed out that is none of your business what so ever...
He somewhat made it your business to do it while you're around. That MIGHT be an indicator that he wants a change in communication.

So now. My reply was not hostile, but some what kept in a joking tone. The fact your defenses suddenly ring flood bells and you feel made fun of is both funny and a good sign for you feeling really damn insecure about the whole thing.

Now that you already feel attacked, I might as well go and tell you to talk to your friggin partner about this and not a random online community: he is the only one who can answer your question. And you might also want to prepare because you really might not like what he says.

ALSO: "Adult men (and women!) usually take pride in pleasing their partner and anyone who does not somewhat strikes me as a bloody egocentric, fairly immature and possibly not a good partner, no matter how hard one auto-suggests all is fine, sex is great, love is mutual." is a full sentence. grabbing a phrase and upsetting yourself about it is childish in my eyes. What I meant was:
I think you're kidding yourself if you think that that relationship is all fine if you two are not communicating enough to resolve problems beyond the point of agreeing to disagree. "he's just a man, man are like that". Tell yourself what you like but either you go and talk to him, find out if you're kidding yourself in to believing all is good because you WISH it to be OR you just deal with him wanking while you're about and let it turn some more sour.

On the other hand, never mind. I guess this is your very own lesson and usually that one has to be learned by falling flat on your face hard before the change in honesty and openness can make it's way from within.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

A half-hearted remark met by such hostility! It's funny. Seems like i struck a nerve.

EDIT: You should check the "Defense mechanisms" thread for some insight. ;)

Yep, Hexi, you appear to prefer to just upset people in a way that hits the right button straight away because you're darn clever and witty instead of making them see reason by making EASY logical steps for your average upset-by-a-not-so-sneaky-jerking-off-boyfriend lady to follow - but that fine by me as it makes me appear patient and instantly feel like a little darling angel. Thanks for that.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

I suppose you didn't read my earlier replies in this thread?

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

yap i did.

Re: Boyfriend watching porn

In that case, i'm happy to make you feel like an angel. I'm here to please.