Oh f uck, I think I know who you are...
I find it fascinating because it is largely alien to my own experience. You received good counsel from the doc and others, yet you imply that you are unable to take their advice because the guilt is oh so strong. That is interesting to me.
For the longest time I could not articulate the psychological differences between myself and most people around me. Until the last year and a half, that is. This, the experience of overwhelming guilt, is one of those differences, hence the fascination.
Do you really believe that it is impossible for you to change your thinking on this issue?
Good work. Keep at it and you will get over this.
Just to conclude the subject. I found the strength in my body and I spoke with my mother, told her everything. She wanted to kick my ass, but just because I've let a thing like this eat me up for so long. She forbid me to ever go and seek answers on the internet again. She told me about the experiences she and her playmates, cousins and all the people she knows had. She feels bad for the mistake of not seeing my need for guidance and feels sad that I myself didn't come and speak to her much earlier.
Everybody around me find it funny that I feel bad for such a "stupid" thing. My boyfriend, My mother, My brother. They all see it in a way "child growing up and exploring". If I am surrounded with people like that, how did I end up in this state. I do not know.
Conclusion. I will talk a lot more times with my mother. But I no longer feel the heavy burden and child molester stigma on me. Maybe somebody will disagree and think that I am. But, to them I say: Don't care. My mother said I'm allowed to think I'm a good person. :D
I am so glad you managed to find peace. Your story really touched me as I went through something similar myself. You are not alone and what happened is quite normal. You resolve gives me hope that I will move on with my life very soon, and somehow find a way to forgive myself.
Since you already raised my thread, I shall answer you here.
There is no emotion so destructive and overwhelming as guilt. It can be positive in a way, because you take a good look at yourself and choose to make yourself to be a better person. But the problematic part is forgiving yourself for that what is already done. I personally see no reason for any human being to dedicate his whole life to agony and suffering over any event, no matter how bad it was. It has no sense to me. The more efficient redemption would be making things better, correcting the mistake as much as you can, helping yourself and others. In all, being that better person. The concept of eternal suffering is something that is not so much natural to humans, it is mostly religious. So much of them deprive themselves of living this life they have now, to the fullest and not postponing things for later, some imaginative eternal glory where everything will finally have sense and those that were virtuous shall drink wine and roll on clouds and those or should I say, we that were not will endure hell's barbecue. I see you are in great deal of suffering over something that happened over 20 years and more and all of you is now deeply ashamed and is depriving herself of happiness because of those events. Again, it has no sense. Imagine the girl that you were then, those that did those things you are ashamed of, the little girl. Close your eyes and portray her in your mind. Now tell me. Does this girl look like and evil creature that came out of satanic pit to you? Or does she look scared, immature, unaware, not really realizing the concepts of so many life thing? Look on the streets these little girls and then imagine they did this awful thing you think you did. And what would you do to them? Beat them up? Close them up? Make them suffer in agony?
YOU ARE BLAMING A CHILD FOR BEING A CHILD. But this child is not you now. She didn't know what you know. If you are now, at this moment, not doing what she was doing, why are you not leaving this child alone and letting her fade away? Why are you constantly causing her pain? Judging her? It's so easy for you as an adult. Because you know. You mentioned you hope you will find peace as much as you think I did. Well, if I truly found the peace I need I wouldn't really still hang around here. It never stops hurting and it never goes away, but you tell to the son of a bit*h that is destroying you that you will not surrender and to all of the voices you hear in your head, the voices of people you feel that would judge you and tell you you shouldn't even be alive to shut up. You know why. Because they haven't lived your life. It's so easy for them to judge upon others, but I wish they were me only for one minute of my growing up and then I would see how virtuous and moral they would truly be. Never let anyone WHO ISN'T YOU AND HAS NOT BEEN YOU, OR IN YOUR SITUATION judge you and impose their fake morals to you. I take the blame for my mistakes. I truly do. I am deeply sorry. But the point is not to let the general opinions of uneducated and hypocritical people teach you about human body, sexuality and natural responding to your surroundings. So what are you doing that? Because when you go to the store and see other women you feel like an impostor. Because you are a "sex-offender" and they are angel's breath. Don't be stupid. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, who has never mistaken, never sinned, never done wrong.
And what did you truly do that was so bad? Compared to me and so many others here, what did you do??? I know it's easy to say for me but if I was you, I would get over this thing in a heart beat. Every time, a person arrives on this forum it simply proves the concept of Dr. Salzman's explanation on these issues. He doesn't have to do a research on it, because the research is coming to him. Don't get me wrong, just because some things happen it doesn't mean they should be taken as accepted behavior. Rape is not normal. Murder is not normal. But silly children who have no real knowledge over human body or anything connected to that, responding in a way that makes adults shocked, just means we have a whole bunch of stupid and ignorant adults who again have no idea about human development, about sexuality, about curiosity. We are not all the same, and we do not respond in equal ways. This is the sole concept of diversity and the variety of man kind. The idea that so many of us are born evil, capable of doing this "horrible" things makes me not want to ever be born at all. Because what's the point then really? Evil is doing something you know to be wrong, and not that child knowledge "this might be wrong", but truly knowing. I see you mentioned my mother. Yes I confided in her, and not just her. My secret is pretty much not a secret anymore. My boyfriend knows it. His mother knows it. My brother knows it. My step-father knows it. My good male friend knows it. And they all think I'm ridiculous. In a way I got lucky because I am surrounded with liberated and educated people that don't think inside of the box. And they all are trying to help me. I have also been to a psychotherapist, and you should do that also if you feel it is killing you inside. But be careful. Not all of them are also people you can confide in. They are after all humans, just like us. Why am I then still suffering? Because it's a disease. I got infected reading up all of the bullshit online.
The logical conclusion to all of this is actually you should never judge yourself by other stories and other people. Just because some girl wrote on the internet her brother or sister touched her when they were little and she is destroyed by it, it doesn't mean you are the perpetrator. Each story is on her own. Your story is not her own. I doubt your brother even remembers these things and the concept that he is somehow destroyed by them is completely unlikely. So if nobody is accusing you on doing him wrong, why are you accusing yourself? You know now it is wrong. But you actually know it would be wrong now perhaps. But it perhaps wasn't that wrong then. Only accepting that will help you move on with your life. You can not erase it. You can not make it go away. Learn to live with it, with yourself. Be human. What else can you be? Best to you..
It is obvious to me that you already know the way out of your dilemma. Here's why I say that:
See this is bad.
Bloodytears gets good advice from me and then you all try to make her paranoid when she is already vulnerable. I don't take pot shots at people who are already down. There is no honor in corning an already wounded animal and killing it. That kind of cowardly thinking is only used by one mindset.
Why the switch to "Zenemy" anyway?
Thank you for sharing your story BloodyTears and good luck to you. I still find guilt like this absolutely fascinating.