My name is Christian and im 17 years old. Execuse my english dear doctor I am from a non english speaking country.
I am a Narcissist and i am constatly seeking admiration. I have a very unsocial life, I have no friends or people to talk to in my life that makes it hard for me. Its been like this the past 3 years and its been bad 3 years, I have had problem with the law and school. With alot of frustration and depression I have created another person inside of me who I believe will fit better in this world. That person is the new me, and he is a Narcissist and i like it more then ever before. Thats the only thing im proud about myself. But i feel no empathy for no one like i had before, not for my parents or outside the family. I have seen alot of horrible and bizzare things on the net and i feel only emptiness not even moraly wrong. No fear, no emotions or empathy. I dont care about people that I abuse,manipulate or laugh at. Thats the opisite of the old me. I have a great way to talk to people, i speak with conviction even when i lie...even if i have had a very lonely life with no true friends. Those who were my "true" friends have turned on me or abandon me. Thats why im like this, the world turned me evil and I choose to replace a false me over the real me i was born with. I dont believe in moral anymore or diffrence between wrong and right. Moral nihilism i believe its called
When it comes to my parents, my father get easily angry when you dont litsen to him, and has mild form of NPD and he has mild form of nymphomania too, he usually talks about sex all the time and encourge me all the time to find a girlfriend to have sex with, he dont see anything moraly wrong for me to have sex with a prostitute(neither do i anymore). He says that i should get a good job so i can have alot of women in the future and only have lots of sex with them. he also usually tells me about all the women he had sex with (i guess he likes braging) I usually hate to hear him talk about it, its kinda akward but im used to it.
My mother is obsessed with her looks all the time,she is extremely greedy and she is a very lonely woman (my parents are divorced)
She is usually never happy and she cant find a job either. I talk to her with no love, I hate her somehow and i feel sorry for myself for not being able to even love my own parents. Its frustrating. I believe she is going insane also, shes not a strong woman.
Well there is another thing about me that i also dont dare to tell anyone.
I like to expose myself on chat messenger with a cam front of females, the girls i usually expose myself to are usually beetwen 12 to 17 age, the younger and more beatiful the girl is the more satisfied I become. The problem is that i cant stop it, it feeds my NPD supply and gives me somehow more excitment then sex itself. Sex to me is overated, somehow mastrubation feels better then sex and it scares me alot because my father like many other guys rather have sex then mastrubate. But i love to mastrubate on the web, i get compliments from the girls and i feel great all day after it. But i cant control it i wish i could stop so i could use more social admiration instead of sexual admiration, how can i stop this trait dr?
I am not ashamed of exposing myself but I just cant control it, what do i have to do? I have to find somehow diffrent way to fill my empty emotions.
I just wish to be an more succesful Narcissist, I dont want it to linked with sex or erotica anymore.
Help me with that, dear doctor.
All i can say is that everyday I become more dead inside that eventually I will become a Narcissistic Sociopath. Thats not my fault, its just fate.