Long post warning -
I am a 34 year old single man and experiencing some guilt based depression / anxiety over an event I remember from my childhood.
When I was 12 / 13 years old and had just started puberty and my younger brother about 7 / 8 years old, I was sexually curious and wanted to know how it felt to rub up against another person. We were in the bedroom together and were fully clothed. I dry humped him for around 10 seconds and then stopped.
There was no violence or force involved and we did not fight about this incident before or after this happened. As far as I can remember we just went on playing.
Though I believe I did want to derive some sexual gratification from this act and was the initiator.
Also when we were younger, maybe I was around 11 and he 6 yrs old he was naked and for some reason I think I very quickly, for a second licked his penis. I am not sure if this memory is real or not as it was so long ago. But I think it is.
I used to get fixated on smells and tastes and sniff things and squint my eyes on things all the time and stuff like that, hard to explain. I also touched my dog's penis once, but I know dog's don't get psycologicaly traumatised over stuff like that, so that's no issue for me.
I don't really feel too much guilt towards myself as I was a kid, not an adult and kids do things without thinking of any consequenses first. So I can;t be harsh on myself as an adult over it.
But, my main issue is - in your experience would this incident be something that could cause him any trauma..? I ask as he has been kicked out of schools for agressive behaviour and has been in and out of prison a few times and can't seem to settle down. He is 29 now and back in prison and suffers from Social anxiety. I also though, suffer from anxiety and have had depression and myself was in prison once for 6 months after a fight that got out of hand and used to do petty crimes and drugs (not class A) up untilI was around 19 and couldn't settle etc, so maybe it's just genetic as i didn't do the crimes or get in the fights I did because I was traumatised over anything, I was just reckless with no thought towards the future.
But I sorted myself out and went to college, had some counselling etc and stopped doing illegal things and basicallly grew up. That's what gets to me - the fact that he CAN'T seem to do that. By the age he is now I'd graduated, taught in South Korea, had girlfriends, travelled etc... So in my mind he must be severely traumatised over something to not be able to sort himself out like I did. He just seems kind of lost.
Anyway, are those 2 experiences I outlined, enough to cause trauma? I read that for it to be abuse I would have to be 5 yrs or older or it be forced or coerced or there to be frequency. I was almost 5 yrs older, 4 yrs and 8 months but there was no force and there were only really these 2 incidents. Up until I was kicked out of home at 16 and since he was born we shared a bedroom together and got along fine and even after these 2 incidents we played a lot together and had no real problems.
Also should I feel guilty that I was abusive or predatory, given that I myself was only both 11 and 13 years old and sexually inexperienced...? Would I be found guilty of a crime if someone knew about it back then...?
I spoke to him a few years back as he has had drug and crime problems and I thought it might be my fault and I bought up the humping incident in an indirect manner and he said he 'didn't really think about that', so I guess I should take his word for it. But then I sometimes think - 'well maybe he's in denial or has repressed it or something...' Or saying he doesn't think about it could mean it did and does bother him but he deliberatley blocks it out. I know that's probably a misinterpretation but there's so much stuff in the news, media and movies these days about how sexual abuse etc messes people up forever that this hysteria seems to have affected me and I think my idea might be true.
Believe me - the cases you described have NOTHING to do with any sort of "trauma" he could experience. Now such stuff gets fomented by the hysteria on media so people overanalyze events of no significance to make them seem almost like a rape XD Read Clancy's "Trauma Myth" anyway, it explains a lot, clearing up even MUCH more serious cases of molestation - yes, molestation, not mere "molestation" you described. Hahaha. I realize I shouldn't express my amusement because for you it is a serious matter but from a realistic perspective, it's EXTREMALY childish. Don't feel offended or anything but this is a rational point of view, from which what you wrote sounds like you asked if the fact you mildly spanked your brother once in his lifetime caused him to be severely traumatised and go from a shrink to a shrink in attempts to cure his clinical depression he developed as the result XD
His potentially being in denial - LOL! XD The whole story reminds me of some post of some woman who was asking if her mom could get her cyclophrenia as a result of the "molestation" on the side of some priest she knew who once squeezed her hip when they were alone when she was a child but didn't have time to do anything more because she run XD Don't listen to any "experts" because they are only going to fool you, making you believe silly superstitions.
Well, it's icky, yeah, but I don't think it'd have scarred him for life or anything. Relax. Quit thinking about it so much or you'll traumatize yourself.
"Anyone else? I mean if I'd hit him in the face or something I wouldn't feel as bad as this....
I would feel sorry I had, but part of me is convinced this is worse."
And this is a VERY wrong conviction. People demonize sexuality in children. Maybe what you did wasn't something you should have done indeed but for heaven's sake - it's just something completely indifferent when it comes to your brother's future and his mental health. many years ago when kids weren't convinced all the time that it's something that horrible, they didn't treat molestation in terms of something worse than just spanking, health problems, a bad mark at school - al of those are unplesant but nobody in their right mind thinks such episodes destroyed their whole life.