Although I indeed would like them to accept my behaviors, if they don't do it, it really doesn't matter to me - it would be nice to be less criticized but if they don't accept me, it really doesn't matter to me. It would matter to me if they criticized me really a lot and very often but it would be only because I would find it annoying and irritating, not for any personal reasons. To be honest, although I know for people it's important to feel loved by parents, for me it wasn't ever a matter of any importance. I, of course, would like to be loved by them than not if I were confronted with a choice of the approach of my family to me, but that's only because then I would feel safer because in the case of any problems, my parents would want to help me and not loving you, your family in such a situation could tell you: "deal with it on your own". I do very like it when my family is glad because of something I did for them, though, and I feel happiness when I can do something for them which would be pleasant to them. It is not about my home life being unpleasant now because it's not like my parents disapprove of me a lot, it happens only when I say or do something out of the norm. Anyway when they criticize me for something, I forget about this very soon.
I don't reject my parents' opinions because they are negative but because they aren't real - I mean, they can think this or that behavior or conviction is dumb/wrong/inappropriate but because I don't perceive this in such a way as they do, I don't agree with them. For example if they kept telling me that for example my blue T-shirt should be replaced by me with a green one because it's prettier, I would reject this opinion because of the fact that I would like the blue one's looks more.
As for the conversations, I do remember those which concerned me not anyone else, indeed. I wrote about them in my first post in this fragment of it, which concerned my OCD/PTSD thoughts. I did say really very dumb things and made dumb goofs (I know that some of them aren't remembered by some people and even those who remember them, don't think about them all the time, they may elicit them from their memories when they start to think about me; they don't obsess over them as I do but this awareness doesn't help me not to worry and obsess about it. I know obsessing about it is silly but I can't rationally stop thinking about it. But it's not only about those, I remember also the bits of pretty ordinary conversations, I have very good memory for details, I always did. I even remember some of the things from the time I was a baby - like when my dad took me to his best friend living in neighborhood whose wife just came back from the hospital where she gave birth to their new babies and I remember looking myself at those baby twins and given the age difference between myself and them, I was 10 months at that time (it's my earliest memory).
You misunderstood me completely. My tone was such that would make you examine yourself, i didn't "troll" you or make stuff up. Also, there is nothing in your posts that would directly suggest a PD, why do you want to convince yourself you have one? To find a reason for being a coward? To explain why people find you odd? You really, really need to stop thinking about socializing and go frikking do it and stop thinking yourself as a creep, it makes you prject as such to others.
What do you think others would think if i went to a total stranger and started to talk about stuff like "yeah, gutting an animal is so cool. It's such a rush to look into it's eyes while you hold it down and slit his throat open, to take a life from a sentient being"? People are uncomfortable talking about anything that would make them look "odd" to others because everyone is so judgemental and need to look down on others. By that logic, everyone is a narcissist! Oh please... when the turd and fan connects and you get down to it, almost everyone will only think about themselves and that behaviour is the trutha bout humans. We pretend to give a **** and some even might, right up untill THEY have to make an effort or are in the line of fire. Most are sad, miserable creatures, bound by their inhibitions and shame, being too afraid to be themselves and our modern society is too hectic for most to look into themselves, just get some pills when you feel like shoving your kind into a freezer, that will solve it all.
I felt like ranting, so there.
EDIT: Dragontongue, you are awesome and mental illness is indeed all in your head. /nod <3
I know that you were initially insulting and malicious on purpose but I only didn't know if you told me about my not seeing the whole picture from behind on purpose as well or if it was what you really saw in me. I'm anyway really grateful to you for your making me examine myself. I don't want to convince myself about anything (I do exhibit the traits of avoidant PD), I only see there is something about me which doesn't make me like everyone else. I do think I have something inborn and it can be an ASD.
And this is which makes me think so, my traits: I learnt reading at a very young age and I have an obsession with reading, I acquire knowledge really fast (I especially like learning languages on my own, I can speak better or worse: English, German, Swedish, Czech and a bit Spanish which I started to learn recently), monotonous voice, lack of social and emotional reciprocity, attachment to items, I have auditory processing disorder and OCD tendencies, dyspraxia, something like eating disorder (it isn't anorexia but I do hate eating and I feel like vomiting when I have eaten too much), attachment to rules created by myself, living in my own imagination (the characteristic trait of it is that all my imaginary worlds come from books and movies, aren't really original, made up by myself), synaesthesia (it's really strong), some minor sensory issues (I don't think they are strong enough to be names real issues but I do have issues with touching me by someone else, feeling temperature and smells - I think I feel smells much weaker than any other person I know), attachment to deatails, logical thinking, obsessions (not as strong as in aspies from descriptions I read but when I obsess with something I can read about it many, many, many times and I am thinking constantly about the object of my interests), severe problems with planning and judging how much time something can take me, problems with reading body language, my being authoritative and a perfectionist, thinking in pictures, tics, passivity and never initiating things on my own, liking to do things in the same way and gathering big collections of things.
I know I think about myself in a negative manner and that I should open up to people more but it's as I said in the previous post - when I do it, people find me funny and strange. I don't experience the world in the way they do, things they get emotional over don't affect me. The things they find interesting aren't interesting for me. It's not an attempt of convincing myself that there's something wrong with me which prevents me from getting along with others but the sad truth.
If someone started to talk with me about gutting animals, I wouldn't find this person a weirdo but a person with sadistic inclinations. I could accept being an eccentric person but only if it was accompanied by good social skills of mine. I was always fascinated with people being different than others but only when they were good with people, charizmatic at the same time.
Narcissism is an inflated sense of self importance. You are better than everybody else, without rational cause.
In your case, this is very obviously untrue. Similarly to what I said before, you have inverted inwards to yourself as a type of coping mechanism to deal with the feeling of being alienated from the outside world. Narcissism would almost be the opposite of this; a narcissist would inappropriately brag and project himself to the outside world, as he sees himself as superior and deserving of many praise and recognition.
Agreed, Natasha. Also, i believe you obsess over your quirks and amplify them in your head. You are so afraid to be defined by your personality that it defines you, if that makes any sense to you. None of the traits you mentioned would mean anything to me, i wouldn't judge you based on such things at all. There isn't a single person without "demons" of their own, you just need to understand them, adapt and not let them be what you are.
Natasha - on the other hand, though, the tendency for narcisstic behaviors must be inborn, must be in one's disposition from the very beginning, otherwise narcissm wouldn't develop. Everybody has a different personality and would develop differently when faced with the same conditions of life - for example out of 3 siblings from a pathological family one of them in whose personality there are antisocial tendencies inborn, will develop antisocial personality disorder as a result, the other one in whose disposition there are avoidant tendencies will turn out avoidant and the third sibling will be normal; with bad memories and stuff but normal, unaffected. I had this tendency since I was little so it isn't like it's totally caused by my shyness because when I was really little I didn't have opportunities to play with peers so I didn't experience any rejection, I didn't compare myself with anyone for the lack of anyone to compare myself with. The primary source for my narcissism was my being praised constantly by adults. And later it was only fomented by my being more mature and having more knowledge than my peers when I was an older child. You wrote a narcissitic person believes themselves to be better with no rational reasons but I don't think such an ordinary person who would be just like everybody would be narcissitic; in my opinion there is always some base for narcissism on which it is based for a person to develop this feeling that he or she is more important than others. It may be something external like money or family's social position or internal, like someone's skills, intellect, abilities, possessed knowledge but it's still in there. I like to show others I can do something better than the whole rest, that I do have an advantage over ordinary folks etc., I always liked to do it but mostly in childhood; later I felt such bragging to be recognized and praised sounded too silly for me and I felt embarassed with it.
Hexi - I know I obsess over myself and that I am thinking too much about myself which is caused by the fact that I have no idea what exactly other people think about themselves and about me and I am afraid I can be really weird in their opinion. I know other people also have their problems but not many of them have so many of them as me.
Dr Robert, may you express your thoughts on the topic raised by me as well?
I have a question about one thing more - does anyone here know any ways of getting rid of procrastination, of effective fighting executive disfunction? Are there any ways to do it? Because those are literally ruining my life. I have severe problems with managing my time. I can promise myself that from this day I will do all those things I want to start doing, like acquiring new knowledge, learning somehing new, that I will do the things I should do, like cleaning my room and stuff, but finally at the end of the day I realize that I spent my whole day online reading about the same things about which I already read million times before, not having done anything useful. I am always delaying doing things I know I should do, waiting with those until the very last minutes when I have to do it in a hurry. I have no idea how much time doing things is going to take me.
Dr Robert, I saw you gave advice to other people, may you express your opinion on my problem? You are a specialist so maybe you have any opinion on my problems.