You really just have to find your own meaning.

Stop using your little human brain to try and decode the whole bloody universe! It's probably impossible! You can't posses or percieve the whole objective universe (which we are nonetheless a part of)in your subjective mind!

You wont know what happens when and after you die until it actually happens, so until that bridge comes, it would be arrogant to presume what happens when the body croaks (how could anyone that hasn't experienced it say what happens or not?) so stop worrying about it, death is a just an inevitable part of life and everyone has one.

You need to find soemthing to give you meaning so that you enjoy and have a genuine aptitude for. So many people wander round in circles as they have all this enrgy and potential but it's going in the wrong direction. Find that direction, get connected to your inner self and start actualizing! Follow your heart and when and if you choose to have or not havbe kids or whatever it will be because you FEEL you want to or don't want to.

I used to feel like you, so I thought 'well I'll kill myself then if it;s all pointless and I have to suffer.' But I didn't want to kill myself, i like myself, I'm okay. So I thought -

'Right then, if I'm giving myself a choice of thinking it's all pointless and topping myself because of it or living, then I might as well do exactly what I want with my life if I was going to kill myself anyway! So if I'm not going to kill myself The opposite is life and doing or trying to do whatever I want with it, I might as well, as it is the only alternative. It is not life that becomes worthless then when you think that, it is all the preconcieved notions you have of it or have been force fed by others!! I know do exactly what pleases me as long as it doesn't upset others. I moved to Asia to teach English, huge gamble, leaving my country, moving to an anlien culture where I had no friend etc. It's been 5 yrs now and mostly great and i have made some of my best friends in the world here, though it was tough adapting for the first cpl of months... I will save up to stop working and write and act...

I learned to embrace the general objective pointlessnes! Because that means there is nothing from stopping you being your true self! I believe this was at the heart fo Jean Paul Sartre's philosophy (though worded differently.) And through it I found subjective meaning and 'pointfullness,' if you'll allow me to create the word...!

I thought

'Well if it's all pointless and I am going to die and can have no idea what happens after that, or if there is a point but humans lack the faculties to work it out and understand the whole universe (quite a daunting task no..?) that's brilliant! No need to conform and have a house and mortgage and 2.4 kids! I'll take a gamble and follow my true instincts and desires (while at the same time being realistic, ie if I turn out to be a bad writer or bad actor, then I'll need to follow a new direction.)

Find your own point!

Not to say that my life is perfect and I continue to learn to improve myself and cope etc, but I guess you get my point. cr@ppy things will still happen from time to time, there will be setbacks and rough times etc. But these will happen ANYWAY, so best to brave them (and learn to cope and deal with them better) whilst iving your life for yourself in a way that makes you happy rather than sitting around thinking about nihilism or whatever!

I can give an example of this. I gambled a lot the past 2 yrs. I blew about 35 thousand pounds which I was trying to save so I could quit full time work and write and act. I didn't get in debt, but I had to eat a lot of tuna and spaghetti lol and basically was wasting every penny of my salary other than rent and bills... First few times I blew over a grand a session I would be depressed severely for days, maybe weeks. But then I just thought - 'Ah what the heck! So I've lost that money, that just means I have to work an extra 2 yrs to make it back before I go on to do what I want. this was what it was and is a chapter fo my life now, which to be honest I enjoyed a lot and no-one but my bank balance was hurt in the proccess... so instead of thinkig I lost a huge ton of money, I just figures, I;d just cost myself some time mostly in which case I'm still young and healthy and the gambling was most likely a neccesary proccess I had to go through as part of my development, so I owned it insted of trying to disown it. Now I know I have a year left before I can start doing exactly what i want to try career wise, but feel like it's no biggie because I've let go of thoughts like 'I'm in my mid 30's and don;t have a mortgage and may never make any money from writing or acting etc...' As long as I have decent food, a couple of good friends and an okay roof over my head - you know what? I'm fine.

Milan Kundera wrote an awseome line in his novel 'Imortality'

"I THINK therefor I am is the statement of an intellectual who understands toothaches. I FEEL therefor I am is a truth much more universaly v alid and it aplies to everythig thats alive..."