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Re: Just Venting

I tried therapy for a little bit my freshman year, torwards the end of fall semester. At the time, I was convinced that I would be able to become more socially active than I was in high school. I thought it was going great, but it was not helpful because of the nature of a therapists job: to listen and be supportive, even provide validation. Looking back, I sometimes made things up. I think I did that because I wanted and enjoyed the experience of someone listening and approving of everything I said. Also, I saw the therapist outside of class but ignored/avoided her but was irritated she said nothing to me. So...that was the end of that.

Re: Just Venting

Hello Base. In the subject line you clearly state that you were “just venting”. That did not sound like an invitation to conversation to me, so I thought the most respectful thing to do was not respond to your post. Then Spotsy responded and you responded to Spotsy in turn, so perhaps I was mistaken. Maybe you did want someone to respond to your post. And I wonder if that may be, at least in part, how you manage to create isolation for yourself. It would not surprise me at all to discover that you give similar contradictory vibes in your offline world as well.

It sounds to me like you want to receive from others what you will not give to yourself: acceptance. It sounds like you have some ideas about who you are supposed to be and you clearly see that you do not measure up to those ideas. I can promise you this Base. In the battle between who you think you should be verses who you are, who you are will win. And that is a good thing. In fact, it is a great thing! Who you are is more than just fine because it is exactly who you are supposed to be right now. You have no choice but to feel empty because you are trying to inhabit an empty suit, a shell. You are attempting to be someone who does not exist. The great news is that you don’t have to do that. You never did. It does not do me or anyone else any good to tell you that though if you don’t believe it yourself…

Here are a couple of suggestions. Listen to those thoughts about yourself that feel good when you think them. What about those activities that you literally lose all track of time (and thus yourself) when you are doing them? Do those. Those are small steps, but every journey, especially the one towards self acceptance, begins by taking one step. This is not empty feel good advice either, by the way. This is what I have done for myself, which is how I know it can work.

Any thoughts?

Re: Just Venting

Ecce Homo, I now see how the title of my initial post can be interpreted as a put-off. That is not what I intended.

I acknowledge that I am an individual and there may be some unchangeable aspects about myself that I need to accept but I fear that some those characteristics may not be enough for me to become self-sufficient.

Re: Just Venting

Good morning Base. I hope you know all is well with you because it is.

Base
I need to accept…


Well… technically speaking you do not need to accept anything. Life respects all of your choices and life is what it is, with and without your acceptance. That’s the beauty of it.

I fear that some those characteristics may not be enough for me to become self-sufficient.


You said it. “I fear.” A fearful mind is a clouded mind. Fear can sometimes make you see things that aren’t there, like an insufficient self for instance, one that is not worthy of being loved. I know for a fact that's a lie. You do not need to be anything or anyone else in order to be worthy of love.

some those characteristics may not be enough…


Which characteristics, if I might ask.

to become self-sufficient


To become self sufficient at doing what? Seriously. Which specific personal characteristics of yours do you fear are not sufficient and for what task and why?

I believe you are entirely sufficient at the task of being yourself and that this self (in its larger dimensions, that is) is all you need to live a happy life, one that is filled with connections to people you love and who love you in return. Yes you can, bud. Why am I wrong?

Re: Just Venting

Good evening.

To be specific, I was referring to difficulties I have academically, socially, mentally and physically.

I am currently in a science undergraduate program and I have struggled through much of my classes, especially my labs. My clumsiness has led to mistakes and damage to lab equipment. I also have terrible short term memory and I often forget what I am doing in the middle of a task, leading to gross inefficiency.

As I mentioned before, I strived to be more social my freshman college. When I struggled, I went to my school's counseling services, where my therapist suspected that I had social anxiety. I accepted this idea, because it seemed to make sense: I was very quiet throughout high school and did not make close friends. My counseling appointments led me to realize many of my behaviors that put people off. First, I often look straight ahead when I go from one place to another. I don't know when I started doing it, but I have found this may be one of the main reasons people I don't know sometimes act antagonistically torwards me.

I often have trouble with concentration, especially when I need to read. I often find myself in a cycle of fantastic thinking that can last for hours. I have literally read the same three lines in book over and over because of these thoughts.

When I was in eighth grade, I was told by my doctor that I was flatfooted. At the time, I did not understand what it meant and I was unaffected. When I found that it meant I had collapsed arches on my feet, I became pretty bitter. It explained why I had an awkward gait, and sometimes pain when I stood in one place for more than 5 minutes. It was during my "research" on flatfootedness that I happened upon dypsraxia. I noticed that I also exhibited many characteristics of dyspraxics.

It is for these reasons that I spend most of my time worrying what will become of me after college.

Re: Just Venting

Thank you for being specific Base. And I must tell you that I believe you are selling yourself a bill of goods if you think anything you have said means that you have to become someone you are not, or that you should be starved for love. Nothing you shared proves that you are insufficient and that you must be frightened about what will happen to you after college. I also suspect that you are deriving some sort of psychological benefit from this “I’m not worthy” story you are holding onto. On some level, you believe it serves you. You are hypnotizing yourself friend. Snap out of it!

If only you could see beyond the story running in your mind. You’d see just how ok you actually are!