I really don't know what else to say, but thanks. I haven't talked to my mum about wanting to talk to psychologist and I doubt I will - I'm not sure if you get how hard it is for me to even ask for something simple let alone going to her about that and probably getting the why question. my doctor is coming on the 18th though [I think], so maybe I'll pluck up the courage to say something to her when she comes upstairs to talk to me
the thoughts about THAT stuff seem to be there -constantly- and even when they aint and I have my mind on others things forgetting about it then I realise I'm not thinking about it and.. there you go again! it's like I can't think about anything else and at times it's worse [such as strong images]. I keep coming back here to read what you've put to reassure myself that it's not me and it's not anything I control over and not something I want. I remember coming across this website when googling for some website I was about 14 and not realising what it was until a few scrolls down and I remember how sickened I was by it and shocked, so I tell myself that's how I feel towards the thoughts and it's not actually me/what I want but then I feel so unbothered by such things now that I'm scared I actually like it or wouldn't care if I came across something like that or I'm always avoiding such things [tv shows, being around others] because maybe I know I'm get an actual feeling from it y'know? but it's just THERE, always and can't think about anything without it going back to that. I do think the thoughts move on to something else every now and again, before images of anything would put up about family members/babies and what else anything really.. I think maybe the thoughts about that stuff is there all the time basically because of how bad I reacted to the dream and how it made me feel and how strong I reacted[really distressed and I cried aswell] and the fact I'm probably [without realising maybe] worrying about it that I can't shake them off. I had such images pop up before the dream but I don't think it had started long.. I really don't want to go on that link you put because it might trigger it more and I'll instantly feel like I'm 'feeling' something, even just by realising what the damn title says maybe it's a panic feeling aswell that I focus straight on if I feel anything or that it's 'me'
I try to let them just 'be' and try not them get to me but it's kind of hard when it's keep coming back into your mind/seems like they are always there - I do think very firmly "stop" "no" and such things like that, ugh I just had another image... reacted by squeezing my hands into a tight fist and thinking NO several times.. I don't want this, it's constantly there - why is it? what if it's always there because it's actuall who I am? I can't help but think that, whenever I try to think about something else it goes back to that, I try to daydream about I don't know - going to hogwarts or something completely impossible and it GOES BACK TO THAT. I really hate myself
I forgot to add that I was pretty torn up after I had a dream about a man and a baby [I'm not quite sure if it was a dream or an image that popped up into my mind - probably a dream, one that was just there quite soon before I woke up] but after I had the dream and had forgotten about it I had an image pop up into my mind that reminded me of it and I was crying about it, thinking the worst about myself cause of it just messed up really. I still can't quite shake that image out of my head, it's just there. I guess I'll always be like this? it's horrible, I really think I'm disgusting. why can't I be different?
NO. can't get that image out of my mind now I've talked about it, god why did I make it worse?! no sure it was even necessary to talk about about it..