Re: whats wrong with me? disturbing dreams/intrusive
Thanks so much for replying, you're probably the first person to understand what I'm saying.. I've never talked to anyone about it [not on the internet either] before this. It's very hard for me to talk about because I feel like theres something wrong with me, that I'm a bad person I just want to think differently.. you know? of course our dreams are fiction but the reason why I was so freaked out by it and went straight on the internet to see what's wrong..is because, though my dream self reacted trying to look away and close down the website and then dream self seemed to want to masturbate- In real I think I brought myself out of the dream/sleep cause I felt actual arousal.. it's just so.. why? that's why I was so 'oh my god'. I feel constantly aware of how I feel down there now, feel like i'm aroused [probably not] because I can't shake of the thought of the dream I had.. I must be subconsiously focusing on it all the time and yes it did make sense. but that dream, and the feeling..
I wish I was brave enough and not afraid of being judged to talk about what I did and what happened to me when I was younger, do you think that me dwelling on it so much over the years could of caused me to have these thoughts, images that randomly pop into my head? it definitely got worse when I was 15 when I got curious about porn and of course going on the internet during most of the day and coming across certain stories or 'humour' where I can't help but picture it in my mind it's horrible - I did go through a stage of always wanting to watch porn I try and stay away from it now I never liked it it made everything worse - and before I was 15, when I was younger I saw/was exposed to porn sites by my sister but it wasn't so explict also chatrooms though I can't really remember. I try to avoid anything in the news about abuse or whatever else incase I get some sort of feeling from it, I'm scared because it also seems like i'm so unaffected and desensitised from stuff like that aswell.
I'm not sure I even have OCD, I don't have it with anything.. though when I think of OCD i think of cleaning and such, is there other types? because I may have but I'm not sure. it is horrible, I found it so hard to sleep last night incase I had another dream like that and to feel like I did - I kept having this feeling rush over me as I was going into sleep which made me bring myself awake and went to stay awake - I had loads of different dreams last night because I kept going in and out of sleep.. I would of remembered if I had a dream like that again i'm sure. when I got out of the shower yesterday I couldn't.. i just I cried, I sobbed about it.
I had a psychologist but I could never of spoken to her about this nothing like this was ever brought up and I would of got very embarrassed ashamed if it had done. the only things we talked about was why I didn't like people seeing me why i didnt like going out if i had any progress, BDD and such, she left because she was pregnant and never got replaced by anyone - which has happened with many of people who used to come out and talk to me [back story - i was sectioned under the mental health act shortly after my 16th birthday because I became very suicidal, withdrawn from my mother/family because I felt so uncomfortable being around them i shut myself in my bedroom for about 2weeks straight. I will also say i left school and stopped going out when i was 13] i really can't talk to anyone. it's pretty much impossible for me and I wouldn't even me able to approach my mother about it
I really am trying not think of them too much, or let them get to me. it really was the dream that made me write this up and ask about it all... it's so messed up, I'm so messed up. I need help, i dont know what to do. i don't know what to say or reply with either, I find it very hard to explain [even harder when talking aswell - can you just imagine me talking to a psychologist? and only being able to get yes no answers out.. what can i say] what can I ever do.. my mind is constantly going, if it isn't on fantasy-drive then it's [i have a very good memory, i hate it] remembering everything in my past everyday going over and over and over and over again EVERY memory to funny things to embarrassing to things that i regret doing or saying, to having horrible images pop into my mind. it's really affecting everything, i don't like people touching me and i have this 3year old newphew and when he wants to cuddle i end up upseting him when i really can't deal with that because im so scared i'll feel something from him touching me and cause the thoughts images - i let him cuddle me once and he was holding my hand/touching and rubbing my arm and i was trying not to think if i was feeling something eventually had to get him off me i went to check to see if i had got 'wet' afterwards [i dont know why, is that normal? i was scared] and yes i checked, and yes there was an "oh my god" i don't know if i actually did or because i was thinking about it or because im not used to people touching me or i was just overreacting. it's not right, i'm scared i'll be judged if i sumbit this, i hope you understand. i want to get anyway from everything and everyone, my thoughts i need to
again.. i'm sorry for bad grammer/mistakes or if it's hard to read. next message i'll try harder if it is
EDIT: I will talk about what happened when I was younger if it's necessary because I have dwelled on it for years and do dwell on it which may have contributed towards my intrusive thoughts and such - it's a very how could i of done that? what if? am i really like that?, i'm just worried about what others will think