How are you?
I just found these forums and I happened to have a really bad family day. Me and my parents have been really tense lately. My dad is unemployed and my mom doesn't really have a high paying job. So, past year I've been working and pretty much taking care of my school bills and other things myself and I was not used to it, but I never said anything. I am very stressed in school since its my senior year. I get out of school around 3 and then I have my engineering team where I stick around until 5 and then, when I have work, i usually get home around 8-9. I have a lot of homework and lately I havent been getting more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night ( during school days). Additionally, Im in the midst of applying to colleges and the paper work and advise that other parents give their children, my parents have no clue about...
So, as you can probabaly tell, I was not in the best of moods. I came home from school today and I tried being nice to my mom and my dad... however, I lost a jacket at school and my parents decided to give me the "you are irresponsible and disorganized talk".. and I just grunted and left the room. Lately they have been just critisizing and not really providing assistance, so I tried to swallow this talk ( similar to many others). However, my mom came in my room and told me to "not treat us as enemies". She then specified how they were right and I should take their advise.. and I don't know why, but I just flipped out at her... I pretty much said "You see me two minutes every day and in those two minutes you can judge me irresponsible, completely disregarding that I provide for myself, study late into the night, do everything that I should be doing and more... i have to work and study and I get 3 hours of sleep a night. I don't have the time to keep track of everything.. Maybe if I had the time, I'd clean my room the way im supposed to, fold my jeans the way you like it and do what a perfect kid would, but I just dont." etc etc I said it harshly.. and I really didn't mean it. I love my life and I know my parents love me, but the constant nagging about the little things when I have so much to take care of really sent me over the edge, and instead of flipping out on my dad who is usually the one nagging, I just made my mom , who really doesnt bother me, cry histerically.
She is in the other room crying loudly and talking to my dad. I came in to apologize but she just said "no ur right, we are terrible parents".
And my dad was in a hospital yesterday, he was attacked on the street and got stiches on his head... and my mom was really worried, and out of all the freaking days that I could have yelled at her, I chose today. Not a year ago, not 20 years from now... Today! I feel so horrible and I don't know what to do.
I already apologized but I think that made her cry harder. Everything that I told her was true, but i just feel so bad. In a way, I had to stand up to them because they keep calling me irresponsible day after day while I never drink, never party, never do anything bad. I am a straight A student, work on engineering projects other students wouldn't even dream of, study, work, help out my grandparents, fill out paper work for my dad when needed, help my mom learn english, but at the end ... the only thing that matters is me loosing some worthless jacket and not vacuuming my floor.
I feel... idk, I just want to dissapear and have my mom completely forget she ever had me. Is there anything i can do to fix this?
Ps. I'm 17
I'm fine, thank you. It sounds like you're not, though.
Well, what's said is said. You can't unsay it. And in any case, it sounds to me like it needed to be said. It may not have happened at the best time, but at least it's out there now. From what you've said, it seems like you are trying your best to be a good daughter, and your father and mother are doing their best to be good parents. They shouldn't have been ragging on you about the small stuff when you were doing so much else... and you shouldn't have been trying to handle so much without letting on how hard it was. If your parents don't see how hard you're trying, how can they support you?
You could try going to them, letting them know that you love them and understand that they're trying to help you, to give you good advice and raise you to be a responsible person, but that you've been doing a lot lately--more than they know. And then you could try telling them why you're so stressed and ask for their support. (Support doesn't necessarily mean advice. Just knowing that someone understands the pressure you're under and is willing to listen can do a lot to relieve stress.) You'd better be ready to listen to them, too, by the way. Understanding has to go both ways for a good relationship. Supposing they won't listen to you, you listen to them. Try to figure them out. Once you understand how they think, how they feel, how they reason, it will be easier for you to get them to understand you.
I take it your parents are immigrants? That probably means their wish for you to succeed is tremendous. Immigrants tend to be amazing that way; they fight harder, work longer, and dream bigger than just about anybody else. :)
Dragontongue's advice sounds good to me. You might like to give that a try. I particularly like the idea that even if they still don't really see, hear, and understand you (which I know you would like), at least you will have seen them, heard them, and will understand more about them which you then can apply towards easing tensions.