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Don't know what I'm doing here

I don't want to star this with, "Oh hi, my name is 'blank' I'm 'blank' years old and I think I'm F*cking depressed/insane" etc. I'm just, kind of curious. I'm not quite sure what I want to ask just yet.

I grew up pretty okay, I mean, I feel like I did, my parents and I, we're from Cuba, they struggled to give us a better life etc etc. Not important, then we moved to Argentina, my dad left first. My mum and I were left in Cuba trying to get out. I was pretty much raised in Argentina, pretty violent place. But again, I was fine, had friends, kind of strict parents, and whatnot. But then, about three years ago, we moved to Miami Beach. At first I was fine, but I kind of started hating this place. I don't know how I feel about it right now. Then again, I don't know how I feel about many things right now. I'm currently 15 years old. I've lied to people about my age, just saying I'm 16, it doesn't seem like much of a difference, but it makes me feel like I have a right to be a bit more mature if I am a bit older. I lie a lot sometimes. Sometimes I'm too honest. I crave attention, but I get mad when I get it. I'd love to say I hate people, but I can't because I just don't care enough for it. Other people just simply annoy me. I try to tell myself that it's just me being a damn teenager, but I just don't get it. I'm not like them, I try, but I can't be like them. I feel empty, like I'm missing out on something. My life since I hit 14 has been like two layers on Photoshop, like if I'm myself on one layer, and then when people are around me, a second layer protects me. I let people scribble on that layer. Mess it up as much as I can, because as soon as I get home I can delete that layer, or at least make it invisible. And then I'm on the original layer. Intact. There's so much more that I need to say, I want to talk but I can't. I can't show weakness. Not unless it's controlled by me and it's what I want people to see. I feel sane, but then again I don't know what that's supposed to feel like. Am I really okay? I mean last time I went to a psychologist I was in 6th grade if I'm correct, and that was about my third or fourth time, the first time I think I was in 4th grade. They always send me home saying that I'm perfectly fine, just a little more mature than I should be. I don't feel mature, I just think too much.

I want to understand, I don't even know why I'm writing this, hoping someone will say something that will make me feel slightly better. Better somehow. I don't know. I wish I did. I just want some answers, I have questions. Too many to write down, no one will ever answer them all, nobody wants to answer any of them. Am I okay?

My name is Tiffany, if you feel like it's worth something.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

hi tiffany.

Maybe if you isolate one thing that seems to bother you most, whether it's about the world around you or within you, then you can better (and we can better) understand how to assess/treat it.

I think it's great that you have come here, it means you are already in the process of trying to understand yourself, which will only ever lead to better things.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

I don't really know what bothers me so much. Mostly the fact that my life bores me. And digging into my brain seems entertaining for now.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

boredom does stink.

what do you see yourself doing/being in the future, if anything?

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

I don't know what I want to be.
I've tried to think about the future, but I can only seem to focus on one day at the time.
When I try to think about the future I end up with the idea that I don't have one.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

i feel that those who live one day at a time tend to be the ones who are or will one day be more content with their understanding of themselves, so i don't think that's a bad thing.

at your age i didn't even know what future meant so i'm with you there, but here i am ten years later.

it's funny that you're 15, that's the age i started to write. i wrote down everything i was feeling, what made me angry, what i observed about the world. it was me beginning to understand the world as i saw it with my eyes, not with my parent's eyes.

another poster mentioned the ego. I think some parents build up the ego of the child at the expense of teaching them about the world, which is a mistake often.

I think the key to feeling more of a whole (as opposed to a mixed up thing of fragmented pieces of what people tell you), is to see the world as it really is, and always always ask questions. questioning everything is both enriching and essential. you will be a very interesting person and people will see it, it's refreshing.

but digging into your brain is only half of it. It's also about watching the world and seeing where you fit in, where your strengths are, where you excel.

these are just random thoughts but there you go.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

since you wanna dig into your brain, why not read up on human biology. the reasons for why we are the way we are, and do what we do are in there.

it's very fascinating, and self-knowledge is empowering.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

Right now I have to go to school.
I'll reply when I get home.
I have some things to say to what you wrote.
Thank you.

Re: Don't know what I'm doing here

I had fun today.
Sort of, maybe.
I wasn't bored for too long, made me a bit happy, maybe.

I don't know if I'm okay with trying to figure out if something's 'wrong' with me.
I finally spoke to my dad today, it's been about 3 years since we actually talked. He told me he's always felt the same way, and that it's okay as long as I don't let people into my actual thoughts. Seems like not such great advice, but I should trust him for once since I don't normally trust anyone.