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Am I stupid or am I insane?

I'm not a regular forum goer. I don't come here that often to read other people's problems and help them out. I use this site to talk about myself and get help for me. Does that make me a bad person you decide. I think it makes me selfish but then again I am a selfish person.

I have always left out a lot of vital information in my posts here. I talk about being a sociopath and feeling guilty for what I put my ex-girlfriend through, but I never gave you the whole story about myself and my ex-girlfriend. So here goes, hopefully you all can help me with this.

I attend Rutgers Newark. Towards the end of August 2010, my then girlfriend also began attending the same college only she dormed. I saw this as a plus point for me, I thought with her dorming I can crash there whenever I feel like it since she was my girlfriend. Little did I know that she wanted to dorm so she can have some space and time to herself. Obviously I was intruding on that space and time. I was hindering her ability to relax and mingle with her new found friends.

After the first two weeks of school, things began to break down between us. She wanted to hang out less and I wanted to hang out more. This was always a constant only in the past I always got my way with things. I always manipulated her in a way that made her forget about her plans and stay with me or do what I wanted to. While I continued to pressure her into hanging out with me, she began to distance herself the only way she could; she stayed in her dorm and shut off her cell phone so that way I couldn't call or text her.

After a few days we got into a fight with me saying that maybe we should take a break from the relationship. But after I realized what I had said I apologized and took back my words. Little did I know that those words lingered in the back of her mind and she though about it in the coming days. It was a Monday when we met up to talk things out between us as a couple. It was then that she broke up with me. I cried, that entire day I didn't stop crying.

The two weeks that followed I told myself that the break-up was a fluke. That we would get back together in a matter of days. But that didn't work out. I forced myself to accept the fact that my girlfriend and I were not together. I began to do what I felt she wanted me to do the whole time, mature. During my maturation process I thought about myself. I focused on myself and did things to make me feel better. The only problem was that somewhere in the back of my head I still held feelings for her that made it hard to forget her.

I longed to talk to her and be with her again. I tried to call her and text her but that didn't work out. That only pushed her away more. I found myself not respecting her wishes to wanting space. A month passes since we separated and I was convinced that this break up was for real and that if we were to get back together it would not be for a very long time. But I was hell bent on keeping her as my friend. She even claimed that we were still best friends.

After the first month passed I began to receive unknown texts and emails, constantly threatening me to stay away from my ex or else I would get hurt. Things took a turn for the worse when the person(s) behind it became stalker-like and texted me about my exact location at the time. I grew worried and told my ex that I suspected her friends. When she confronted them things took a turn for the worse, the threats and consistency of the messages increased. Upon going to the police I learned that the person was using a proxy avoidance site to keep their identity hidden and the best thing to do is ignore it.

After much time I finally began to ignore it. They came every so often and I just deleted them after reading them. One of my ex's friends even decided that he wanted to "help" me get over the break up and get back on track with my life. He seemed nice at first but he began sexually harassing me to have some form of homosexual relations with him as a way of forgetting my ex and trying something new. I turned him down many times to the point where he openly hated me. And to add to the problems, my ex changed her number so I can't contact her again. I assumed it was on the direction and influence of her new friends.

I couldn't see myself moving on. My ex and I were in a relationship for 2 years. We shared our first time with each other and according to both our upbringings, we wouldn't have sex with just anyone...only the person we truly loved and wanted to marry. I held on to that belief and rejected any girl that asked me out. I began talking to a female friend of mine for help, to fill the void left when my ex left. This relationship wasn't anything but emotional. I talked to her about my problems and she would help me and talk to me in a similar fashion to the way my ex did.

A week ago I spoke to my ex via online chatting. I had realized all that I ever did wrong to not just her but all the other people in my life. I apologized to all of my friends and family as well as the new friends my ex made that might have felt hurt by my actions during the months after the break-up. I saved my apology to her for last. I told her that I was sorry for ever hurting her and that I still loved her very much. She forgave me and said that she too loved me still and that she only wished that I was a better person. When I told her I am she told me to wait a week before she makes any further decisions regarding the two of us. Also note that she told me that I should stop talking to whores (referring to that female friend to whom I went to for emotional support). She showed signs of jealousy.

A few days passed and last night I received a few emails containing pictures in them. These pictures were of my ex and I in the safety of her home. I got 4 pictures, 2 of her and 2 of me. I never saw the pictures of her, and did not recall the pictures of me. Around midnight last night, my Facebook account was hacked into and my status was changed early this morning. Along with that, a semi-nude picture of me was sent to all of the contacts on my Facebook via unknown email. Among the people that received the picture were my close relatives, my younger brother, and my two bosses. Naturally I grew very angry.

In a fit of rage I thought to myself that the only way to escape this torment I was receiving from one or more of my ex's friends was to drop out of Rutgers Newark and start my life anew somewhere else. This is what many of the recent texts said. The person told me that my ex was over me and already with another person (they made references to sex). Even the friend that wanted to "help" me told me that it was over between my ex and myself and that she hated me dearly. Many of my friends hated my idea to leave and begged me to change my mind. A few hours passed and I did. But the rage inside me grew to a boiling point. My mind told me that these friends of hers that only knew her for 2 months are influencing her to destroy her 2 year friendship/relationship with me. I wanted to stalk them like they stalked me and beat them all up when given the chance. But I didn't. I went home and I cried because I realized that no matter what I still love my ex with all my heart. I learned that while it would hurt me to see her with another, having her as my friend would make me feel a little bit better.

However, something tells me (even now) that she still loves me as more than a friend. We share bank accounts from when we were together. We still share them now that we are apart. Only I work and only my money goes into the account. She spends the money however she pleases knowing that it is money I earned. And I have no objection to any of it. For some reason I like having that small bit of connection with her.

Today in a fit of rage I told a close friend of mine to set up a meeting between myself and my ex so that we can clear the air without any interruptions from anyone or anything. She denied the request and said that she will find me and talk to me. Only I grow impatient because every minute that passes that we aren't talking to clear the air, I feel that her "friends" are influencing her decisions and thinking. About a half hour before I wrote this I shed a few tears, realizing that while I do love her and want to be in a relationship with her again, I don't want to lose her friendship. She is and always will be my best of friends. And I told myself that if what I am doing to keep my ex as my best friend drives me insane then I welcome that insanity because whether we are friends or something more it is all worth it in the end.

So you guys are the regulars, you are smarter than myself. Am I stupid or am I insane?

P.S. Feel free to ask questions. I know that I may have left some things out. If you need to ask me I am willing to answer them. And thanks again for your help.

Re: Am I stupid or am I insane?

Stupid, naive and pathetic. That is my response to the question you asked. I advise you to find your spine as soon as possible, get rid of the back account and tell her to fuck off. It's obvious she doesn't give a damn and is only using you while telling her friends to mess with you because that's what pathetic people like you are here for, amusement.

Re: Am I stupid or am I insane?

given the two choices you offer i'd have to agree with Hexi and select 'stupid.'

But it's okay, everyone your age is stupid and overacts to significant emotional strain. You'll eventually get a handle on it as you mature through years, and years of experiences and deep personal introspection. Doesn't happen over a weekend. sure, you can learn something insightful, but it takes time to incorporate that into your personality to the point someone would say, "you've matured."

you're learning these lessons now. so, pay attention to how you are acting, and how your actions affect others and make you feel.

I can't tell you what you're going to learn from all this, but i can tell you that maturity is figuring it out and actually improving yourself because of it.

A word of advise: you're in college, Get drunk, Get high, Get laid. Rinse, repeat. Don't flunk out, and don't stress about relationships. you'll have a whole F-ing lifetime with a wife to stress about relationships. Have some fun, meet some girls --a lot of girls (sounds fun right?) and figure out what kind of girls you like, personality wise.

Because the one you're into right now is not into you, dude.

Don't be that guy.

Don't be that guy that only chases chicks that don't want to be with him. it's weak. it's pathetic. it's narcissistic, and laaaame.

and quit letting that bitch take your money, cut it out, man! Quit giving her the milk for free!