I previously wrote: http://pub28.bravenet.com/forum/static/show.php?usernum=2341679505&frmid=916&msgid=954098&cmd=show
I'm not the greatest of people. I'm not a good person. I'm pretty evil, and not in the good sense. I've done everything wrong that a person can do to drive away anyone who has ever loved him. At some point in my life I felt good about being that black sheep. I felt good. It felt good to break the rules and hurt others. It felt good to be bad. But tonight on 10/17 as I sit at my desk I can't help but realize that I'm alone at my desk. And even though I have friends that are online, none are talking to me. At family events, my absence does not hinder their merriment. People have learned to accept the fact that I'm not a nice person and just move on with their lives. At one point I contemplated doing that but something...or rather someone...kept making me think about everyone I turned my back on way back when. I sit here, single and broke, and I realize that I could've prevented everything if I only wasn't this bad guy. At one point in my life I felt empowered at being labeled the black sheep or the bad egg, but now I feel like a rotten egg. I miss people, I yearn to be around the people that I once turned away or used for personal gain. Back then when I thought I was happy being alone I never really knew what it meant to be happy. I turned down my brothers and mother, and now I want to be there for them. I shunned my family and used my friends and now I miss their company. And as sappy as it sounds, I had a perfectly healthy relationship and I ruined that as well. And now almost 20 years after my birth I am now realizing that what I did was wrong. But I ask myself how bad is the damage? How deep are the cuts? Can I fix the things that I did wrong? If so how? I don't want to lose my family and friends. I love them all, as much as I denied it for so many years. I don't want to grow up without them.
What do you do? First, let go of your self pity. It isn't useful to you or anyone else. Second, man up, go back and face the people you claim to love. Third, apologize to them. Tell them what you shared here. Fourth, make amends if possible. Fifth, let go of the 'I am a sociopath/bad person' trope. It's really passe and utterly beside the point.
I just ODed half a bottle of benztropine. Just cause I hate this world and I want to die.