I'm sorry that this is so long my mind is so confused and full of clutter! I don't know what is relevant and what isn't
Thank you so much for taking time out of your life to help me! It means the world! Its people like you that TRUELY make this world a better place! My question I guess put simply (always hard for me to narrow it down) is Why do I run away from all of my problems? I get scared . I know that. I know that my family history may have a part as well. My mom and dad would fight a lot when I grew up I felt always in the middle trying to keep them from hurting my little brother emotionally They would always go to the extream of I want a divorce! And then we moved a lot too. My daddy was in the navy and I lived in three states by the time I was eleven. Could be a lot worse I've learned however. My dad my mother thinks was verbally abusive however my mother always talked about my fathers faults and there problems to us. So there were a lot of things that may have lead to this but now that I'm realizing that I have this problem of running away I don't know what to do about it!? I want to fix it before I get married and before I have children.
I have epilepsy and found out when I was in tenth grade. I wouldn't accept it and wouldn't take my pills the way the doctor told me to so here and there when my mom told me too is what happened and I ended up having the largest seizure of my life almost killing me before I started taking them. I have depression as well and take paxil although that hasn't been as the doctor perscibed either lately bc of lack of funds. I always threaten to break up with past exs when any problem arose. When work got hard I quit! Many times... bc of my epilepsy work places have been apt. to firing me as soon as they know... illegal but they all find ways around it and I don't have the energy to do anything about it. So when I know it might happen I quit instead of trying to hang on. I have had troubles with school ever since tenth grade being 25 now; although I know that I'm smart and have the ability to further that I gave up! I failed class after class and have withdrawn and just dropped many bc they got hard and although I feel I'm doing good I'm not bc of my medical reasons missing lecture and such with short seizures I haven't tried to find a way how to fix it I just quit! My dad and I haven't seen eye to eye bc of my epilepsy he thinks I should be able to control my body with my mind. You wouldn't be sick if you didn't think you were he says often And instead of trying to fix that, well I did try for a couple years but again we got in a large fight and I chose not to talk to him as often and keep my distance. I was born in South Carolina and my memories of a child growing up there were all great! Then moving to MN at 11 was quite a shock and ever since I've been trying to get back. I dated someone nine years older then I for quite along time! Three years! My longest relationship. The reason being I think is bc I felt comfortable I knew that he loved me! I felt safe like he wasn't going to leave me, I didn't have to prove myself to him constantly. Not that I did in past relationships I just felt as though I did! I've had a miscarriage that I blame myself for and a forced abortion by my parents. At age 17 and 18.
Sorry so much more emotion in recent events:
Recently I have dated Derrick, who is my age, for over a year and we were planning to engage half of the last year and then did this last month on the first of Aug Right before that I lost one of my bridesmaids and best friends! I haven't lost anyone close to me before and it has been very hard to deal with. I could go on about just that! My fiance held me when I collapsed finding out but hasn't and I don't think knows how to talk to me about it. Jessica passed on May 1st. My emotions, My depression, everything has just been upside-down and sideways since. Problems have come up as Derrick and I have been together as they do for everyone but what I loved about him most is that he always tried to fix things. If something went wrong he would pray with me and then just ask me how he can make it better. He was masturbating to some of my friends and that really hurt me so like everything else I was ready to leave and he prayed with me and asked me how he can fix it. So we have went to counseling in co and things with that have gotten so much better! We have been able to work through everything despite me always trying to run! Derrick said he really doesn't like it and said that's the only thing he would change about me.
We just moved from Co to northern MN with our two large puppies by way of San Diego, Cali. It was way out of our way but we went there to help his mother who is disable, move from north Cali to southern Cali This was only the second time meeting his family minus his father who I've seen often. He always talked lower of his mother then his father and always a lot lower of his sister candy then his sister Brandie Derrick had been discharged from the military bc of an over-man and he was at the top of this list bc of various absences. This was stressful for both of us but I supported him in his chosen journey going back to college and getting an architectural degree. When it was found that we were moving from CO both my mother and his where right there telling us why we should move where they were. I feel his mom pressured us a lot more though telling us when we thought otherwise that she was disappointed and getting angry I decided and told derrick that we should move to Cali for at least a year bc his mom had only seen him during holidays for the past three years of military and my mom missed only a year. Then I realized that I wanted my mom to help with the planning of the wedding plus the wedding was in MN so instead of going back on my word I told him that he could stay in Cali with his mom and get things set up and I would plan the wedding with my mommy. That being the plan. I had a hard time getting to Cali bc I cant stay awake long periods of time without sleep and we drove two cars so derrick couldn't help. When we finally got to South Cali his sister brandies apt. it was an immediate problem bc of our two large puppies. So I was very stressed and so was Derrick. Derrick abused the puppies for the second time due to this stress and I paniced and left not thinking... he wouldn't let me take the puppies so I just drove off crying thinking Id make it to MN.. I got lost with no phone or money! By the grace of God a stranger who saw me parked and crying in my car helped me find my way back to his sisters. I tried to talk to him but in return I found him being cold and stand offish. I continued trying to talk to him even though my mother had offered to send me money to go home for a couple days. He continued to be cold and stand offish and even checked out other girls in front of me. I was unusually calm about everything but so so scared and felt so unloved.
We hadn't moved his mother yet so I drove up to help with that and she was so rude to me telling derrick that my clothes didn't fit right and her and derricks second sister candy continuing to talk behind my back. His sister candy I lost respect for bc of her hitting her kids and speech around her kids. Nothing but cursing and threats to the childrens lives! I tried to be a friend to the kids and listen to them when they were upset or just wanted to play and there mom didn't like that so she would yell at derrick and his mom saying to keep me away from her kids although not in those kind of words. This hurt me and got under my skin but I avoided confrontation with her bc I wanted nothing but to turn her into CPS. Derrick and I loaded all of his moms stuff with no help from anyone else and just being yelled at and told what to do the entire time we were there. We went to south Cali without his mom bc she had to stay and clean and make last arrangements although we offered to take her with us.
I was relived to be on the road not only bc of the stress but bc the pollution in the air where his mother lived was so bad it had made both the puppies and myself sick. We got back and I was ready to go back to MN. Just the stress of staying on someonelses couch and being a burden with the stress of his families personality of telling us our every move just built up so much! Well Derricks mom called and said that she was in pain and wanted Derrick to come and pick her up which would mean we had no money for MN left if we did that. Me having epilepsy didn't see why going and picking her up would make a difference. You have your good days and bad when your disabled. Where doesn't make it better or worse. So I think that his sister Brandie and his mom saw me as cold bc like a lot of families the only son is put to a lot of responsibility and it was just expected that when they want him to do something like that that he would just do it. So it became mom against me although I didn't intend it to be that way I was just trying to think of our new immediate family first and foremost. We were having problems and we had planned to move to MN By this point though my mom knowing of only one abuse instance with the dogs was furious and his family there was too but at me bc I was angry with him. He said he would get therapy for it and I was expected to support and stand by him. I didn't bc I was scared already just being engaged. Afraid of making the wrong decision and not wanting divorce like both sets of our parents. I was afraid that him blowing up like he did on the puppies could continue on to me and any future kids even though he had never raised a hand to me. He and his family don't understand this thinking.
So not wanting this to be an argument between his mother and I I drove him up to pick up his mom so he could drive his mom home. Derricks hobby and passion is cars and likes to street race. But respecting his moms wishes he drove even below the speed limit. It was hard for me to do that and knowing it was probably his mom telling him again what to do made me angry so I didn't drive slow but stayed within range of seeing them. This made his mom very angry ... I hadn't told her my reasoning's or even spoke to her on the trip but derrick said is all she did is talk poorly of me the whole trip down. My driving... saying I'm controlling and manipulative when I had entrusted in her my history with my mom and dad and telling her that the divorce with my mom and dad affected me just like derricks parents affected him and I realize that I manipulate sometimes like my father and my brother lies but I try to confront it, and even saying that she was going to talk to me and tell me , bc I had asked her earlier in the day if she really wanted me to marry derrick, that she didn't want me to marry him! Derrick forbid her to tell me but by the way she acted toward me I could tell ...that's why I had asked. I don't know why however.
Once we got back to his sister brandies I told derrick that I was going to call my mom for money to go back to MN and he could come with or stay it was up to him but I wanted to take a break and think about the whole puppy thing. It was my way of not running away this time. He doesn't like breaks and doesn't see the point in them I tried to help him understand but he didn't It came to me saying ok I'm in this relationship too and you cant tell me I cant have a break to think things over.... suggestion by a friend of derrick and I's. Then it was very hard for him to decide whether he wanted to come to MN or not. I waited a day longer then what I would have all the while him still being cold and stand offish when I would try and talk. After that day however I put down my foot bc I felt that if his family especially his mom would have it there way we would never leave. And then his mom literally told him that she would make the decision easy for him and told him he had to stay I started to say that she shouldn't do that but thought better thinking that this is something we would have to deal with if we got married and what he does is important. I feel bad bc I told him that I would rather him be in MN bc then while we have these problems and talk things over if we really want to see each other then we could. I broke off the engagement two days ago now and tried to make it final for myself by posting it on my face book so that family and friends would know. I don't normally like bringing others into the relationship minus professionals bc they aren't in it and influence me too much. I didn't break it off though bc of the puppies for me it was more him not trying and making me feel unloved. I still love him though and we have talked on the phone only when I call... he doesn't call me... he says that if he didn't love me he wouldn't answer the phone and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't tell me he does... but I feel his actions and lack of actions have shown me otherwise... have I done the right thing or am I running away from my problems again? He said that his biggest worry is that things aren't going to change when we get married that I'm going to keep running... but I've gotten better since we got engaged I've felt more secure this has been the only problem since the engagement and when we can afford to get my ring I feel that will be a constant reminder and when we get married, finally makeing those steps, I feel will make me feel even more secure. Can I fix this... should I? and if I cant fix this then how do I fix myself for the rest of my life... down whatever road that may be...
Thank you again so very much for your time and help,