Re: Husband molested siblings in childhood... should I be worried about our kids?
I have had that discussion with my husband, and he always honestly seems ashamed of his actions and also seems more protective of kids than a threat. My concern is that this could be a facade.
We went to therapy before his therapist relocated, and he hasn't found one he trusts since, especially since the therapy he got was free... obviously, financially, we're in a bad spot.
He was raped, repeatedly, but he's blocked out all but the first incident. His stepfather was abusive, and he had gone to the bathroom one night while the boy was over. His stepfather wouldn't let him get up to go to the bathroom, so he left all the lights on, and stated he would always go a little, then stop and listen for him coming, then finish. When he returned to the room, the boy accused him of "playing with himself," and pushed him onto the bed. From there, it's blocked out. Another boy was there at the time, and my husband can't remember if he stayed asleep, ignored it, or participated... it's completely black.
He didn't rape his siblings... from what I gather, it was mostly innappropriate touching, and oral with the one he was arrested over.
The therapist said as far as the gay chats go, it was his way of regaining control. She actually outlined it.. she said he went as far as inviting them over, and then ceased contact altogether, not providing them with any of his information.
The girl is my biggest concern. I understand that mentally, there is a part of him trapped at that age, and that he was too insecure to stop the relationship once he found out (he's never actively pursued a relationship w/ someone underage, no evidence to point to that either). There's been nothing since to ever indicate anything like this. I found out through sent and saved e-mails. There were sent e-mails for years back, and there were no other incidents. When I confronted him, I told him, "When this girl's parents find out, you are going to be arrested and put in jail. You encouraged it. You'll go away for a long time." He just looked at me in shock and broke down, like he had no idea that there could be repercussions or something (I don't see how).
I still love him. A part of me wishes I didn't know, but I know I NEED to.
Leaving him is where my scariest decisions lie, as well. The only reason I would leave him would be out of concern for my kids. Therefore, if I claim I'm leaving out of concern for them, it means getting social services involved again, having my stepdaughter put back into foster care (or worse, her mother managing to get custody again, I say foster care b/c the mother would have her put into foster care over me, and seeing as I can't afford housing, I'd never win a fight), and fighting for no to supervised visitation for my own child.
The weird part? He's a great husband and father. We have our problems, yes, but he supports me through my issues and helps me as much as he can. He's great with the kids and they love him to death. If I'm wrong, they would miss out on alot.
If I could get back into a therapist, could they reasonably tell me if he's a risk? If he's not, I feel like I should support him as he has me.
The "What-ifs" are destroying me and our family.
I understand that I want someone to say, "No, he'd never do a thing!" I also understand that this isn't a reasonable request.
After I found out about everything (except for what he did to his siblings), I put him in counseling. I didn't find out about the siblings until he was no longer in therapy. While in counseling, he improved unbelievably. We've had setbacks (financially) since he's been out, but there haven't been any sexual issues. I just found out about something that happened a long time ago. I just worry that these things altogether can make a monster.
How can anybody make this kind of decision?