I have had that discussion with my husband, and he always honestly seems ashamed of his actions and also seems more protective of kids than a threat. My concern is that this could be a facade.
We went to therapy before his therapist relocated, and he hasn't found one he trusts since, especially since the therapy he got was free... obviously, financially, we're in a bad spot.
He was raped, repeatedly, but he's blocked out all but the first incident. His stepfather was abusive, and he had gone to the bathroom one night while the boy was over. His stepfather wouldn't let him get up to go to the bathroom, so he left all the lights on, and stated he would always go a little, then stop and listen for him coming, then finish. When he returned to the room, the boy accused him of "playing with himself," and pushed him onto the bed. From there, it's blocked out. Another boy was there at the time, and my husband can't remember if he stayed asleep, ignored it, or participated... it's completely black.
He didn't rape his siblings... from what I gather, it was mostly innappropriate touching, and oral with the one he was arrested over.
The therapist said as far as the gay chats go, it was his way of regaining control. She actually outlined it.. she said he went as far as inviting them over, and then ceased contact altogether, not providing them with any of his information.
The girl is my biggest concern. I understand that mentally, there is a part of him trapped at that age, and that he was too insecure to stop the relationship once he found out (he's never actively pursued a relationship w/ someone underage, no evidence to point to that either). There's been nothing since to ever indicate anything like this. I found out through sent and saved e-mails. There were sent e-mails for years back, and there were no other incidents. When I confronted him, I told him, "When this girl's parents find out, you are going to be arrested and put in jail. You encouraged it. You'll go away for a long time." He just looked at me in shock and broke down, like he had no idea that there could be repercussions or something (I don't see how).
I still love him. A part of me wishes I didn't know, but I know I NEED to.
Leaving him is where my scariest decisions lie, as well. The only reason I would leave him would be out of concern for my kids. Therefore, if I claim I'm leaving out of concern for them, it means getting social services involved again, having my stepdaughter put back into foster care (or worse, her mother managing to get custody again, I say foster care b/c the mother would have her put into foster care over me, and seeing as I can't afford housing, I'd never win a fight), and fighting for no to supervised visitation for my own child.
The weird part? He's a great husband and father. We have our problems, yes, but he supports me through my issues and helps me as much as he can. He's great with the kids and they love him to death. If I'm wrong, they would miss out on alot.
If I could get back into a therapist, could they reasonably tell me if he's a risk? If he's not, I feel like I should support him as he has me.
The "What-ifs" are destroying me and our family.
I understand that I want someone to say, "No, he'd never do a thing!" I also understand that this isn't a reasonable request.
After I found out about everything (except for what he did to his siblings), I put him in counseling. I didn't find out about the siblings until he was no longer in therapy. While in counseling, he improved unbelievably. We've had setbacks (financially) since he's been out, but there haven't been any sexual issues. I just found out about something that happened a long time ago. I just worry that these things altogether can make a monster.
How can anybody make this kind of decision?
Every single one of us is capable of doing most dreadful things in certain situations. People who are not capable of admitting this live in a large illusion I'd say. And more then 50 % of people would tell you in this situation to leave him and take the kids. I do agree with the part that you have to protect the children, but I do not believe that he does not deserve a second chance in life. If he was indeed raped, I really don't see how can anyone blame the child for touching anyone. IT WAS A CHILD. I even think his mother can be ashamed of herself for calling police on him instead of calling them when she suspected something was happening to himself. I think it was a bad bad family situation.
He can get another chance from you by my opinion but he needs to prove to you every day that he is indeed worth it. And tell him openly.. straight to the eyes.. "If you ever touch any of the girls, if you ever take piece of their souls in such a way, you will never see us again. And if you feel u have such urges relate to them at time and seek help."
I have no more advice to give you, you will have to wait for the Doc..
Oddly enough, I have. My exact threat was along the lines of "I will put you in jail. I will terminate your parental rights. I have plenty of friends who will step up and claim to be their father if the youngest is too young to remember you, and if one or both of them is, I will tell them you are dead, change their names to something random, destroy any evidence of your name, and basically make it impossible for them to ever try to find you and vice versa. Then I'd pay anyone I'd have to to ensure that everyone in that prison with you knows exactly everything you've ever done."
That was pretty much it. I worry with having left him before and returned, and there's been plenty of times since I almost have again, that he doesn't believe I will... sometimes, I wonder if the financial things aren't "tests," so to speak, to see either if I'll still love him, or worse, how much he can get away with...
The trust is fairly destroyed, and only slowly rebuilding. Therefore, I don't trust my own judgement anymore.
Dr. Robert, do you have an opinion?
I would need more information, and even then might not be able to offer an opinion. But you can try if you like.
By the way, the forum had to close for a time due to an systematic spam attack. I hope this will not recur so that the forum, which many find helpful, useful, or simply entertaining, will be able to remain open to posting.
To the spammers: you must be some sad, empty, pitiful people to be sitting at your computers, which can take you anywhere, using them to vandalize someone else's work instead of using them to be exploring this vast world of information and knowledge, or even creating something worthwhile yourselves.
Adam, I know it is you who arrranged the spam attack, and your particular hypocrisy in pretending to be someone caring and intelligent is totally egregious. Your actions are the behavior of a sad, sick child, not the brilliant man you claim to be. If you have a shred of the intelligence you pretend to have, you will feel shame for your behavior, and I hope you do.