thanks for your post. I don't know why but i felt a type of peace inside when I read it. Guilt, violence, humanism and everything exist deep inside human. we are all animals and angels. we hate and we love. we help and hurt. it's very great that violence is just in pictures and thoughths for you. and it's awful that you have to take pills. you haven't done anything wrong to blame yourself. and it's a possitive points.
there's something that pills and doctors can't give you. I think you should find a friend, a real one, who you can talk to or write to. you should feel free to tell him/her about yourself. you should never stop hoping for better. but i don't tell you to be absurd.
well i'm quite humanistic and worried for all creatures and take a pile of pills to stand university classes... there's something very helpful for me when I'm in similar conditions. i listen to music and sometimes i play it. or i try to focus on my researches. sometimes i dance and go out with friends. they help me. please try a musical instrument. that may help.
thank you for your reply, you make me sound so normal. I wrote as I am worried about the rush I get when thinking of these things, and am confused at the fact I may be having a wonderful conversation with some at the same time as picturing causing them serious harm or mutilation. But I am not a sociopath or what ever as I do have compassion for people, just not the ones around me. They don't deserve it. They are blind to the world, and they need to see what It really is. The things that worry people today are not what is real, I hate them, and want them all to feel pain, to hurt, to be corrected.
i think if you hate them, you won't have any difference with the others. hatred will make you go blind. i'm muslim but i like the sentence" forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who have tresspassed against us". you are unique. you know for years i tried to help others and teach them that smile is the only way to go blind just like the angel of justice. i tried my best and they just commited me some charges and i lost a life but you see now i'm here... you should forgive others and keep on trying. others need you and you need peace.