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Re: Desires

I haven't had the time to properly go forward with this but Daniel picked up where i was going with it, it seems. You are already doubting your previous assertions of yourself and stepped back to think about it. You've realised that blanket statesments like "you're a monster!" hold very little water, this is the right direction. In your view, enjoying violence, specifically inflicting it, makes you a monster which is quite subjective in my opinion. You are not sure about your own views so you cling to your fathers, which is understandable i suppose but consider this; your father is a monster according to some for having guns in the house with children.

Anyways. the real issue, in my opinion, is that you should focus on yourself. If you go and rip someones face off and stuff them in a box, it's you who will deal with the consequences, not your father. The real focus should be if you can master the impulses or not. If you doubt for a minute that you can't, you need psychological help because the alternative will ruin your life for sure. Forget the definitions of monster and the bible, when you're sitting in a cell for life because you couldn't hanlde it, none of it matters squat. Remember, you need to control the urge not only when in a stable state but when angry aswell. Can you deal with the urge to hurt while enraged? That is the question you need to consider for yourself because there will become a time when you have to face it. This is an issue which cannot be solved via a discussion forum, you need to either handle it or find someone you are comfortable with to help you handle it. Not a judgemental, self-imporant priest but a real person with real interest in helping YOU, not your soul nor your fathers reputation, you.

Something that has helped me is drilling it to my head that whatever i do in life, i will have to deal with the consequences and are my actions truly worth the risks. Satisfying my urges will only be temporary, just like the urges themselves.