Hexi: I know that a psychiatrist wouldn't straight out ask if I'm a monster or not. But if it turned out that these urges are inborn, just part of who I naturally am, not something I can change and not something I can supress and keep myself from acting on all the time, then wouldn't I be a monster? Also, if I got labeled as a psychopath or something, I'm sure that wouldn't help me get jobs or anything.
I'm not obsessed over what everyone else in the world thinks of me. If I'm obsessed over anyone's opinion, it's my dad's. And shouldn't I care what he thinks? He's my dad. That's why I want advice - because I want my dad not to think bad things about me.
It would be totally stupid to say that one condones homicidal urges if they have guns, but that was what it looked like you were saying to me. I never said my dad "hates violence". I said he hates violence directed against human beings. It's nice to know I wasn't completely off about what you were asking. "What do you think of your father?" and "What sort of relationship do you have with your father?" are pretty close. I skipped the war one because I don't really care about the army or the war very much. I think it's okay to kill murderers as long as it's done by the proper authorities (otherwise the general public would just see it as another murder). I don't know what to think about war. It would be nice if we didn't have them at all, but fighting seems to be human nature so I guess there's no getting away from it... if someone tries to kill you I think you can kill them, but you shouldn't start it.
Dragontongue: I don't mean to contradict myself. It's just... even though the Bible says that even thinking of doing something wrong is almost or exactly as bad as actually doing it, I can't really believe it. So... when I think of killing someone and enjoy the thought, it's as bad for my soul as if I'd actually killed them. But I can't see how that can be, so in my heart of hearts I believe that as long as I don't actually hurt or kill anyone, it's okay. But if I can't help myself and I do (like when the urges got too much and I killed the cat), then I'm in trouble. So I guess what I want to know is if I can control these desires well enough to not actually hurt anyone even once my whole life and if I can't then what should I do?
Let me jump in here real quick like...
You have taken on the name "monster" as a means of identifying yourself. You have expressed the fear that this label is who you are. I am suggesting you reexamine the assumptions that give rise to this fear.
The label monster is not one that is affixed to an objective fact or set of facts, like the labels boy and girl are. It is a perjorative term, steeped in unexamined moralistic beliefs. To call a human a monster is to interpret, not to name a fact.
My previous comments presuppose that you will want to take a step back, sit down, and examine for yourself what you mean by the terms you use to understand yourself. Question yourself, your assumptions and those of your father.
By the way, it's one thing to care about your father's opinion. It's quite another to allow it to dictate your self image. You say you understand that, but if you did, you wouldn't have asked the question in your original post to begin with.
What a pleasure to read this thread so filled with acute analysis and real-world wisdom. This is what I imagined when the idea for this forum came to my awareness. Good work Hexi, good work Dragontongue: meaningful words, and some therapeutic dexterity too: "My apologies, i had to prod a bit to get something out of you." --Hexi
Daniel, what can I say? Your last post was simply brilliant, and goes right to the heart of the necessary inner work as I see it.
Monster, I told you I would reply eventually, but the treatment here by Dragontongue, Hexi, and Daniel really goes so directly to the crux of it that I don't need to say much.
In my opinion, when your father told you that your feelings were "bad and wrong," he made a mistake—perhaps a habitual mistake of his that has something to do with the constant tension between good and evil which characterizes the Baptist theology he professes. Feelings simply are. They simply exist apart from what anyone thinks about them. We do not choose our feelings, and so we are not responsible for them. Since feelings and desires come and go just like the wind in the trees, we need not banish them, nor hold on to them. We can watch them as they arise if we like, and watch them fade away. You might as well say a cloud in the sky is bad as to say your feelings are bad. Both are just there for awhile, and then fade away no matter what.
The first step towards coming to peace within yourself is to make a habit of openly and freely acknowledging your feelings to yourself without labeling them. Simply notice what you feel without judging good or bad. This does not mean acting on every feeling, but just that you allow yourself to feel what you feel.
I understand that you have violent urges, and are frightened about acting on them—frightened that you may not be able to control your urges, and so perhaps do harm to someone. That is why I recommend that you try to find help—some understanding person who can hear your concerns without judging you. That is the kind of thing that happens in psychotherapy, but I don't know if a therapist would be available to you at this point in your life—probably not. If I am wrong, and you can get some personal help right now, please do it.
At least you have opened up here on this forum, and I imagine that the words of Dragontongue, Hexi, and Daniel have been helpful. They all seem to be people who are in touch with their own feelings, and who are actively engaged in accepting their feelings and dealing with them. As human beings, this accepting and dealing is part of our ordinary inner housekeeping, as I see it. At some point along the way, if not at present, you will be able to get some in-person help. I think you will need it in order to find peace of mind, which, in my experience, is the deepest desire of all human beings, whether they know it or not.
I haven't had the time to properly go forward with this but Daniel picked up where i was going with it, it seems. You are already doubting your previous assertions of yourself and stepped back to think about it. You've realised that blanket statesments like "you're a monster!" hold very little water, this is the right direction. In your view, enjoying violence, specifically inflicting it, makes you a monster which is quite subjective in my opinion. You are not sure about your own views so you cling to your fathers, which is understandable i suppose but consider this; your father is a monster according to some for having guns in the house with children.
Anyways. the real issue, in my opinion, is that you should focus on yourself. If you go and rip someones face off and stuff them in a box, it's you who will deal with the consequences, not your father. The real focus should be if you can master the impulses or not. If you doubt for a minute that you can't, you need psychological help because the alternative will ruin your life for sure. Forget the definitions of monster and the bible, when you're sitting in a cell for life because you couldn't hanlde it, none of it matters squat. Remember, you need to control the urge not only when in a stable state but when angry aswell. Can you deal with the urge to hurt while enraged? That is the question you need to consider for yourself because there will become a time when you have to face it. This is an issue which cannot be solved via a discussion forum, you need to either handle it or find someone you are comfortable with to help you handle it. Not a judgemental, self-imporant priest but a real person with real interest in helping YOU, not your soul nor your fathers reputation, you.
Something that has helped me is drilling it to my head that whatever i do in life, i will have to deal with the consequences and are my actions truly worth the risks. Satisfying my urges will only be temporary, just like the urges themselves.