I have had my suspicions for a couple of years now that I may be a sociopath, and was wondering if you could answer a few questions for me. Firstly I'll tell you a bit about myself.
I'm nearly 19-years-old, male, I live in London, England, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD and Conduct Disorder when I was 15. I did go under an assessment for Antisocial Personality Disorder when I had first turned 18-years-old and the psychologist told me that I "Tick all the boxes." for it, but that she wouldn't diagnose me with it as it would do my life no good.
I'll tell you a bit about my childhood now. I was born to an alcoholic mother and an intolerant father. From the age of about 5 I had developed behavioural problems, I was regularly assaulting other pupils and teachers and after a while I lost my place in my primary school. After I'd left that primary school, life at home was getting worse. My parents were arguing all the time, swearing and sometimes hitting each other. After a few months my mum left my dad for another man. We moved soon after that to another area and I got another primary school. I was no better at this primary school than I was at the last one but in addition to assualting people I was damaging property. I lasted less than three months in that school before being kicked out. After I was kicked out of that school I moved in with my grandparents and we looked for yet another school. This time I went to a school for kids with behavourial problems which better suited my needs. I was fighting a lot, being racist, stealing, damaging property, bullying people, lying to the teachers, refusing to do any work and running out of school a lot. I eventually lost this school after seven years of being there due to my behaviour. The next place I went to was a tiny education centre for again, people with problems. I lasted a few weeks there and got kicked out for picking up a cactus and threatening to shove it in the teacher's face. When my time was up there I had to wait for about a year for another school (which happened to be a residential school). It was here in the care home/school that I started getting worse. I was smashing passing bus's and car windows with bricks for fun. I was regularly having the police after me. I was taking drugs regularly and I'd started drinking and carrying a knife. Eventually I got too old for school and left with no qualifications.
I was then a free agent for the Summer holidays until I went to college in the September of 2008.
It was in this college that I got suspended three times (for two weeks every time). I had four main incidents in the college that I got in trouble for. The first was for beating someone up in front of the whole class. The second was for making a fake rape call to the police whilst I was in college (my teacher managed to come to an agreement with them to stop them arresting me). The third was for being racist to a boy in class (although I was racist to everyone, they just didn't know about it). And the final bit of trouble I got in there was for turning up to college whilst I was heavily under the influence of alcohol. That was the final straw for them and they kicked me out for that. I did take a knife in once but they didn't know about that.
I've been arrested only once in my life and that was for criminal damage, for which I got let off without being charged. I realised only when I read about it a couple of years ago that I have no conscience, and there's the fact that on reflection I don't remember ever feeling bad for anything I've done and I've certainly never felt remorse.
In my last year at school I was beaten up by a boy who was not from the school and I went around the area a few times after that incident with my knife looking for him. I had every intention of killing him and I still feel I would if I got the chance. But I have read that homicidal ideation is characteristic of Conduct Disorder/Antisocial Personality Disorder, can you confirm that?
I have fantasies of torturing and killing people (even family), and I lie to everyone.
I feel hate for everyone and everything, it takes very little to get my blood boiling.
I enjoy hurting people and animals and I like making people feel worthless.
I'm critical of everything and I'm very impulsive. I also use people's consciences against them if I can for my own pleasure. I can't tolerate boredom at all, it feels like the worst form of self-torture to me. I was also put in a mental hospital once for trying to beat up my twin. I've never felt love at all either and have no desire to feel it.
So now I have a few questions.
Is sadism part of my condition?
Do you think I'm a sociopath?
How can I find out if I am or not?
Is having a high IQ part of sociopathy (my IQ was tested at 122 when I was 13)?
I can in all honesty tell you, that I haven't written this letter to brag, I want to understand myself better. I am not interested in changing my ways and hope you still choose to give an impartial opinion.
I look forward to your replies.
Take care and be well.
You are not a sociopath.
There. How does that grab ya? Do you feel relieved? Disappointed? Is there a sudden desire to defend your status as proto-sociopath?