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Re: Is my girlfriend and avoidant and passive-aggressive

jodartha
you said:
Does it really matter if she has a formal diagnosis of any disorder? She made you unhappy, you "walked on egg shells" and she refused to change any of her behaviors.

Life is short, find someone that makes you happy. Sex can be found anywhere.

Ask yourself why you would want this kind of relationship? Sexual attraction is temporary, it will pass. Why not go on vacation and distract yourself?


I agree a diagnosis is not essential but I am curious. Sex cannot be found "anywhere" in the way you imply, nor does sexual attraction always pass, it merely changes with time and familiarity. I think I already implied I didn't want the relationship but there are qualities, not just sex, that I miss about it.

Going on vacation might be your answer but isn't mine and I find your solution somewhat shallow and patronising, but I realise you think you are helping.

Re: Is my girlfriend and avoidant and passive-aggressive

I do not mean to be shallow or patronizing, I just recognize that I am not a licensed therapist to diagnose the woman that you were seeing with any particular disorder.

What I did see is that you appeared to have put significant effort into understanding and exploring a viable relationship that was satisfying for both of you. And that she walked away from that for reasons that you attempted to explain with good faith.

I guess I oversimplify the fact that sex is available anywhere. You are right that a suitable satisfying relationship is rare, and it did appear to meet your needs at least in the beginning. In my experience, I have found that emotional discomfort outweighs sexual satisfaction, perhaps that is the female side of me. But I understand your point. You may have touched on a point that affects me personally that I have not previously addressed. I had to give up a relationship that met many of my needs because the other person wasn't willing to give me what I needed.

I have always believed that sex could be found anywhere, maybe as I get older or uglier, this may not be the case. My point however was that I believe that staying in a relationship that was as misrepresented by your ex as it appeared (the dependency issues as well as independent facade) would have motivated me at least to look else where.

Is it possible that you are looking for a way to mend this relationship versus understanding her disorder(s)? Excuse my apparent shallowness, it is not meant that way but more as a means to cheer you up if you were in some sort of distress.

Re: Is my girlfriend and avoidant and passive-aggressive

jodartha
I do not mean to be shallow or patronizing, I just recognize that I am not a licensed therapist to diagnose the woman that you were seeing with any particular disorder.

What I did see is that you appeared to have put significant effort into understanding and exploring a viable relationship that was satisfying for both of you. And that she walked away from that for reasons that you attempted to explain with good faith.

I guess I oversimplify the fact that sex is available anywhere. You are right that a suitable satisfying relationship is rare, and it did appear to meet your needs at least in the beginning. In my experience, I have found that emotional discomfort outweighs sexual satisfaction, perhaps that is the female side of me. But I understand your point. You may have touched on a point that affects me personally that I have not previously addressed. I had to give up a relationship that met many of my needs because the other person wasn't willing to give me what I needed.

I have always believed that sex could be found anywhere, maybe as I get older or uglier, this may not be the case. My point however was that I believe that staying in a relationship that was as misrepresented by your ex as it appeared (the dependency issues as well as independent facade) would have motivated me at least to look else where.

Is it possible that you are looking for a way to mend this relationship versus understanding her disorder(s)? Excuse my apparent shallowness, it is not meant that way but more as a means to cheer you up if you were in some sort of distress.


Thanks for the follow up and I understand you now. I think I was seeking to mend things but have now accepted it is not fixable, so have withdrawn.

As you said, most relationships have an imbalance as you describe in yours. The question is, which imbalances are reasonable and which are fundamental issues dominated by core personality issues that are going to affect all subsequent relationships.

One of the yardsticks to judge this is how many previous relationships came to an end after a similar period and in the same way. If they repeat with remarkable consistency, then it is not normal interpersonal variations but a possibly deep seated issue which translates to every other new relationship.

Re: Is my girlfriend and avoidant and passive-aggressive

Leonard


One of the yardsticks to judge this is how many previous relationships came to an end after a similar period and in the same way. If they repeat with remarkable consistency, then it is not normal interpersonal variations but a possibly deep seated issue which translates to every other new relationship.


Yes, I would agree here. So, interestingly, you bring up quite an insight for being here asking the questions.

Touche.