Hi, I'm a sixteen year old girl. Ever since I can remember, I have had what seems like sadistic
thoughts. As a child, I would fantasize about female and male
characters being kidnapped, hurt, and had things done against their
will. Thoughts like these since probably the age of four even! This
strikes me as strange, since I am completely happy with my life, have
everything I want, was never abused, and the only traumatic experience
I ever had was the death of my grandmother at age four, which I can't
even remember. I have a very huge guilty conscience, so I cannot find
myself to be a complete sadist. I hate hurting others, mostly because I
don't want to be hated. I cry at movies, I feel their pain, I
emphasize. But yet, when someone I find to my liking is being abused, I
am completely turned on. And it's only when I like them too, I don't
care to see people I don't like abused like that. When I grew older and
found out what sex is, I soon turned that obsession to a sexual nature.
My thoughts everyday since then are plagued with non-consensual
fantasies of men from other men. I am never in these fantasies, as I
prefer it to always be male. As I grew older, it grew more and more
gruesome, and the simple sight of blood is a turn on. I look up erotic
gory pictures of men, and can't find myself to enjoy regular,
con-sensual sex at all.
Please, it makes no sense to me, how can I ever have a good
relationship if the only things that turn me on are extremely gory
sadistic things? Things where the other party is not enjoying it to the
least? I'm considered the nicest among my friends, and I've never made
an enemy. I love animals and life. How can this be?
Been thinking on this a couple of days...and here are my thoughts:
Are you a sadist?
The definition is: 1. The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.
2. The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.
3. Extreme cruelty.
I don't recall you saying that YOU want to do these things, only that WATCHING these turns you on. Now I don't know if there is a difference..but there could be.
Also, you say in the same paragraph that you don't like to hurt people or animals. You basically contradict yourself. Is it because you think we would just judge you? Not sure, but it does raise a flag that perhaps you like gore like people like scary movies. Now, I can't be sure, but you can think about this.
Also, is it not possible that it is the endorphins that you like when you see and think of this gore or torture? I remember reading that sexual turnons gradually become more conditioned to respond to the thrill of the exotic. For example, some people like the forbidden, like married lovers or the like. Perhaps you may want to consider weaning your mind back to a more innocent time. Afterall, jumping from a plane is a thrill but we don't have to do it every day.
You seemed to think that you may never have a normal relationship. It is so mutually exclusive? Fantasies are just that. If I lived my fantasies, I don't know where I would be (possibly married to Arnold Schwartzeneggar);-)
The fact that you are acutely aware of some turnon does not curse you to become a freak. what it does do is show that you can be exotic in your fantasies. What you choose to do with these thoughts is up to you. That is what a conscience is for...at least in my eyes.
I have the same sort of "problem" as the OP. I am an agressive person however this agression is more internal than external, I mean, I don't show it externally. I don't have any erotic pleasure from looking at cruelty but I do from imagining it.
Jodartha - why to Schwartzenegger? XD
Don't ask me:-)...I just used him as an innocent reminder of something that I dreamed about years ago.
The imagination is the private fantasy of the individual. I can assure you that my imagination is pretty rough from time to time too. But it doesn't extend to my real life. It just seems normal that the fantasy world can be especially rough at times...that is why it is called imagination.