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Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

Just to conclude the subject. I found the strength in my body and I spoke with my mother, told her everything. She wanted to kick my ass, but just because I've let a thing like this eat me up for so long. She forbid me to ever go and seek answers on the internet again. She told me about the experiences she and her playmates, cousins and all the people she knows had. She feels bad for the mistake of not seeing my need for guidance and feels sad that I myself didn't come and speak to her much earlier.

Everybody around me find it funny that I feel bad for such a "stupid" thing. My boyfriend, My mother, My brother. They all see it in a way "child growing up and exploring". If I am surrounded with people like that, how did I end up in this state. I do not know.

Conclusion. I will talk a lot more times with my mother. But I no longer feel the heavy burden and child molester stigma on me. Maybe somebody will disagree and think that I am. But, to them I say: Don't care. My mother said I'm allowed to think I'm a good person. :D

Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

I am so glad you managed to find peace. Your story really touched me as I went through something similar myself. You are not alone and what happened is quite normal. You resolve gives me hope that I will move on with my life very soon, and somehow find a way to forgive myself.

Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

Since you already raised my thread, I shall answer you here.

Dear Deborah,

There is no emotion so destructive and overwhelming as guilt. It can be positive in a way, because you take a good look at yourself and choose to make yourself to be a better person. But the problematic part is forgiving yourself for that what is already done. I personally see no reason for any human being to dedicate his whole life to agony and suffering over any event, no matter how bad it was. It has no sense to me. The more efficient redemption would be making things better, correcting the mistake as much as you can, helping yourself and others. In all, being that better person. The concept of eternal suffering is something that is not so much natural to humans, it is mostly religious. So much of them deprive themselves of living this life they have now, to the fullest and not postponing things for later, some imaginative eternal glory where everything will finally have sense and those that were virtuous shall drink wine and roll on clouds and those or should I say, we that were not will endure hell's barbecue. I see you are in great deal of suffering over something that happened over 20 years and more and all of you is now deeply ashamed and is depriving herself of happiness because of those events. Again, it has no sense. Imagine the girl that you were then, those that did those things you are ashamed of, the little girl. Close your eyes and portray her in your mind. Now tell me. Does this girl look like and evil creature that came out of satanic pit to you? Or does she look scared, immature, unaware, not really realizing the concepts of so many life thing? Look on the streets these little girls and then imagine they did this awful thing you think you did. And what would you do to them? Beat them up? Close them up? Make them suffer in agony?

YOU ARE BLAMING A CHILD FOR BEING A CHILD. But this child is not you now. She didn't know what you know. If you are now, at this moment, not doing what she was doing, why are you not leaving this child alone and letting her fade away? Why are you constantly causing her pain? Judging her? It's so easy for you as an adult. Because you know. You mentioned you hope you will find peace as much as you think I did. Well, if I truly found the peace I need I wouldn't really still hang around here. It never stops hurting and it never goes away, but you tell to the son of a bit*h that is destroying you that you will not surrender and to all of the voices you hear in your head, the voices of people you feel that would judge you and tell you you shouldn't even be alive to shut up. You know why. Because they haven't lived your life. It's so easy for them to judge upon others, but I wish they were me only for one minute of my growing up and then I would see how virtuous and moral they would truly be. Never let anyone WHO ISN'T YOU AND HAS NOT BEEN YOU, OR IN YOUR SITUATION judge you and impose their fake morals to you. I take the blame for my mistakes. I truly do. I am deeply sorry. But the point is not to let the general opinions of uneducated and hypocritical people teach you about human body, sexuality and natural responding to your surroundings. So what are you doing that? Because when you go to the store and see other women you feel like an impostor. Because you are a "sex-offender" and they are angel's breath. Don't be stupid. There is no such thing as a perfect human being, who has never mistaken, never sinned, never done wrong.

And what did you truly do that was so bad? Compared to me and so many others here, what did you do??? I know it's easy to say for me but if I was you, I would get over this thing in a heart beat. Every time, a person arrives on this forum it simply proves the concept of Dr. Salzman's explanation on these issues. He doesn't have to do a research on it, because the research is coming to him. Don't get me wrong, just because some things happen it doesn't mean they should be taken as accepted behavior. Rape is not normal. Murder is not normal. But silly children who have no real knowledge over human body or anything connected to that, responding in a way that makes adults shocked, just means we have a whole bunch of stupid and ignorant adults who again have no idea about human development, about sexuality, about curiosity. We are not all the same, and we do not respond in equal ways. This is the sole concept of diversity and the variety of man kind. The idea that so many of us are born evil, capable of doing this "horrible" things makes me not want to ever be born at all. Because what's the point then really? Evil is doing something you know to be wrong, and not that child knowledge "this might be wrong", but truly knowing. I see you mentioned my mother. Yes I confided in her, and not just her. My secret is pretty much not a secret anymore. My boyfriend knows it. His mother knows it. My brother knows it. My step-father knows it. My good male friend knows it. And they all think I'm ridiculous. In a way I got lucky because I am surrounded with liberated and educated people that don't think inside of the box. And they all are trying to help me. I have also been to a psychotherapist, and you should do that also if you feel it is killing you inside. But be careful. Not all of them are also people you can confide in. They are after all humans, just like us. Why am I then still suffering? Because it's a disease. I got infected reading up all of the bullshit online.

The logical conclusion to all of this is actually you should never judge yourself by other stories and other people. Just because some girl wrote on the internet her brother or sister touched her when they were little and she is destroyed by it, it doesn't mean you are the perpetrator. Each story is on her own. Your story is not her own. I doubt your brother even remembers these things and the concept that he is somehow destroyed by them is completely unlikely. So if nobody is accusing you on doing him wrong, why are you accusing yourself? You know now it is wrong. But you actually know it would be wrong now perhaps. But it perhaps wasn't that wrong then. Only accepting that will help you move on with your life. You can not erase it. You can not make it go away. Learn to live with it, with yourself. Be human. What else can you be? Best to you..

Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

It is obvious to me that you already know the way out of your dilemma. Here's why I say that:

The overwhelming guilt is something we put on ourselves. I put it on myself by myself not being able to accept that I am actually that person that did what I did. Your mind goes completely mad and you demonize yourself and your actions to the maximum. The pain you create yourself at this moment is so great you wish you were dead...

See how that works? You are doing it to yourself. Like mental mast urbation, sado masochist style. Perhaps, on a level you don't want to acknowledge even to yourself, you get a kick out of the anguish. Sometimes emotional pain is the only way we know we are truly alive.

What would change my thinking? I don't know...

Oh you know. STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! As in, when those crazy thoughts about you being a vile pedophile come into your brain, fight them off. You know, you really don't have to believe everything you think. Sometimes our thoughts are more like enemies than friends. Question your thinking, look for interpretations that are helpful rather than harmful, that are realistic and centered in the present. And if that truly isn't possible for you, then by all means, as Doc Robert says, get some help!

Or not.

Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

See this is bad.

Bloodytears gets good advice from me and then you all try to make her paranoid when she is already vulnerable. I don't take pot shots at people who are already down. There is no honor in corning an already wounded animal and killing it. That kind of cowardly thinking is only used by one mindset.

The Catalyst
Oh f uck, I think I know who you are...

CataCoward you are.. The Fool. The moment you open your mouth.. all that talk you do becomes fairly obvious smoke. You have the mentality of a bored 12 year old child and the mental capacity of a.. unanimated object... or toddler perhaps.

But I can help you! First I want you to find your favorite possession. Now shove it up your rear. Now take your moms black ***** and shove that in their too. Did you notice how even though your mothers ***** was bigger than yours that they felt pretty much the same once inserted in your rear? Now reflect on that and remember that the only way you can control the pain is to cut yourself. That way you control it. But don't use your mothers hedgers for that till after you're done sucking on her tit and acting like the weak, pathetic, fool that you really are.

No one cares about your feelings. By no one I do mean me and by not caring I do mean I don't but I do enjoy watching you wet your pants and grab your security blanket.

Making weak people emotionally upset is really the best you got.. reflect on that and by all means.. take a shower. I'm tired of smelling your stink. You suck.. we get it. By all means though.. reply and show me the true face of stupid. I know you're retarded. You fight like they do. Your actions made you less than me and now you want to suck on me emotionally like you suck on your mother physically. I don't care that your dad abuses you either. You're a weak little puss. I don't care how you feel but I enjoy crapping on you. It brings me pleasure.

Please reply... I enjoy hurting you cause .. no one cares if I hurt you and no one here will protect you from me.

I don't run away and beat up on the weak egos. I smash the supposed strong in the face and watch them fall in their own weakness.

20 years of emotional numbing can do that to you. You gotta start when you're.. 1. But the good news is.. you have the IQ of me when I was 1 so perhaps.. perhaps you can achieve this.

Don't give up your dreams. Look at that.. that one movie where some emotionally retarded fgt like you made it somewhere.. but I'm pretty sure he ends up getting killed cause.. well the petty douches like you always die.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it for more than a moment. Then I stopped caring.. about Cata.. whatever. Classic piece of trash is how I perceive his name. If you're going to be uncreative at least give yourself the standard "Angel of -insert BS-" or the "Emo-of -vampire-darkness-scary-but-scrony-little-twig?!"

God, you are even boring to me when I am ranting in mania. You understand that right? I'm in mania for about the next oh.. few months. Mania is when I feel like God but don't worry.. according to these scares.. I'm not superman. But then again. neither are you.

At some part of that... I hurt his feelings, Hexi. Like real feelings that he will experience for at least 10 minutes cause they can't turn off their sad emotions.. they are mentally inferior.

Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

Why the switch to "Zenemy" anyway?

Re: Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?

Thank you for sharing your story BloodyTears and good luck to you. I still find guilt like this absolutely fascinating.