I entered a relationship with a shy but pleasant 50 year old woman recently. She is highly attractive and very gifted at sex. At first things went well but after a while I discovered that after sex she would "shut off" emotionally and become distant, followed by a similar cycle each time we met.

At the same time I noticed that she was controlling in many ways, restricting our meetings solely to her agenda and never recognising my timetable, and refused to let me meet a single person she knew, including her family. By contrast she had met my family and friends.

She became secretive and furtive, literally keeping her house similar to a closed fortress when I saw her, even refusing to answer her telephone. I am sure she had no other lover, and her secrecy appeared to be based on not so much hiding me, as hiding an aspect of herself from her family, who presumably did not know that she was basing our affair on purely sex while appearing to want intimacy too.

It became clear that she was avoiding intimacy as she became cold and distant so many times after being warm and approachable in the lead up to and during sex.

I began confronting her about this, and was shocked to see that she competely avoided discussion then began to shift blame on to me, suggesting it was me that had withdrawn affection. In fact her mood swings had simply thrown me so I was walking on eggshells, not knowing whether she was being open or shut off at any moment.

Things went from bad to worse when I discovered that her claimed independence, emotionally and financially, was not true. She was highly dependent on her family for job security, financial help and social contact, having no more than two friends that could be describe as such. She had used claims of independence to keep me at arms length. I ended the affair hoping she might be shocked into a discussion to resolve our differences.

Instead she implied that she could never "trust" me again. I pointed out that I had been emotionally consistent and it was only when I saw her refusal to discuss anything or face up to what she was doing that I bowed out.

She seems to have very low self esteem and underneath the impression of co-operation is unable to accept even mild but necessary confrontation while at the same time deflecting discussions, minimising her behaviour, refusing to acknowledge anything despite clear evidence and playing the victim by blaming me for my increased exasperation at her attitude.

She also gave the impression of needing endless assurance yet when that was given then backed off, creating a push pull cycle which I found disturbing. If I backed off to give her space she would renew her enthusiasm only to pull back again.

I am currently struggling to keep a distance since I miss her physical charms but realise that she is not going to change. So the affair has ended leaving me feeling grossly exploited. Did I do the right thing and is she suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Passive Agressive Disorder?

you said:
I am currently struggling to keep a distance since I miss her physical charms but realise that she is not going to change. So the affair has ended leaving me feeling grossly exploited. Did I do the right thing and is she suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder, and Passive Agressive Disorder?

Does it really matter if she has a formal diagnosis of any disorder? She made you unhappy, you "walked on egg shells" and she refused to change any of her behaviors.

Life is short, find someone that makes you happy. Sex can be found anywhere.

Ask yourself why you would want this kind of relationship? Sexual attraction is temporary, it will pass. Why not go on vacation and distract yourself?

I do not mean to be shallow or patronizing, I just recognize that I am not a licensed therapist to diagnose the woman that you were seeing with any particular disorder.

What I did see is that you appeared to have put significant effort into understanding and exploring a viable relationship that was satisfying for both of you. And that she walked away from that for reasons that you attempted to explain with good faith.

I guess I oversimplify the fact that sex is available anywhere. You are right that a suitable satisfying relationship is rare, and it did appear to meet your needs at least in the beginning. In my experience, I have found that emotional discomfort outweighs sexual satisfaction, perhaps that is the female side of me. But I understand your point. You may have touched on a point that affects me personally that I have not previously addressed. I had to give up a relationship that met many of my needs because the other person wasn't willing to give me what I needed.

I have always believed that sex could be found anywhere, maybe as I get older or uglier, this may not be the case. My point however was that I believe that staying in a relationship that was as misrepresented by your ex as it appeared (the dependency issues as well as independent facade) would have motivated me at least to look else where.

Is it possible that you are looking for a way to mend this relationship versus understanding her disorder(s)? Excuse my apparent shallowness, it is not meant that way but more as a means to cheer you up if you were in some sort of distress.