Does it matter?
The man is awful. Good luck on your recovery. I am sure the damage is deep.
I think you should seek professional help asap. To me this sounds like you are one of these girls who is addicted to bad bad bad guys and pathological relationships. Any "normal" person would have kicked this guy out of her life a long time ago. I have been wondering for a while what makes women seek relationships with psychopaths, and there's a lot written on the internet about it. However, fact is that you need professional psychiatric help because you may have a mental disorder that makes you seek out these pathological relationships. You can google for this term, there is a lot of info and help available. Good luck.
Thank you for your feedback....I started my therapy while I had visited India this spring and was diagnosed of a woman who loves too much.....I was asked to read a lot which really opened up my eyes....Till I went for therapy I didn't realize the gravity of the abuse that I was going through. Sam has been the first and only man in my life and I have been thinking (and Sam always used to make me feel) that he is behaving the way he behaves because of the bad childhood that he had and that I always thought his gambling and violence can be professionally helped. If only I hadn't found out about all the prostitutes and the cheating I would still be in the relationship letting him abuse me in all possible ways. His cheating was my breaking point. My therapist says at some level (after all the times that I kept saving him from getting beaten up by financiers and pulling him out of rock bottom several times and putting up a fight for him) I started mothering him instead of being his girl friend and wife. I started protecting him like how a mother would protect her child and forgave him for whatever he did. I could not get to hate him though I have been soo sooo angry on him for doing the same wrongs over and over again. Sam is a CPA and is called the "google junction" "walky talky encycopedia" and all that at work. He is so brainy and high in IQ but lacks the basic sense to lead a happy and trouble-free, honest life. That is what I couldnt understand. He is 15 years older than me and has always treated me as a child. (we started seeing each other when i was 22, now I am 31) He has told me several times "Sujee I know you are 100% right and I am 100% wrong, but this is what I am going to do and I want you to love me and be with me unconditionally".
When things go out of hands and he realizes that he has really goin over board in abusing me he would start saying "Sujee now you are going to leave me and I am going to die like a orphan with no one to give me even the last drop of water....People will get to know I am dead only after my body starts stinking in my house....and you will be responsible for letting me die like that".....and that was enough for me to forget everything and stick to him.....i would tell him i would never let him die like that.....
Even now I am soooooo angry that he has ruined my life....but i still couldn't stop loving him....I want to get to a point where I wont have any feelings for him. I don't know how to get there....I feel like i am lost in a tunnel....I am seeking the light which is somewhere there, but i don't know where.....My therapist tells me that I am going through so much agony because Sam is my first love.
I have made up my mind to come out of this mess....Taking each day at a time. But somewhere in the corner of my mind I'm praying that some miracle should happen which would make him seek help for his violence and gambling and cheating and then come back to me after realizing his mistakes....