Another sibling exploitation story. How to cope with the guilt?
Long story warning.
I read all of dr. Roberts pages on childhood sexuality and exploration and will not bother him with the questions he answered so many times. But I'm still so troubled. To the point of agony, suicide thoughts and not being able to grasp my breath at times by the fact on how much it hurts.
I'm currently 24 and I'm a girl. I have a 6 and a half year younger brother that will soon be 18. From the ages of my 8th till 16th and his 2nd and 10th year, stuff happened purely on my initiative, that now make me sick to my stomach. To keep the story short i dry humped him periodically through our childhood. I would gently rub against his bum as he was sleeping and a couple of times while he was awake. I'm not sure how many exact times it happened or other details.
Stuff I didn't do. I did not take his clothes off but i think i once took off my lower pajama part and i want to puke at the thought now. I never touched his private parts. I never showed him pornography or introduced him to nudity or sexual stuff. I was a troubled child, we lived in an abusive environment, my father had PTSD and was an alcoholic and a sadist. I take none of this as an excuse but what can I say. It didn't help. I had no proper guidance to sexuality or most of life things.
Recently i talked to my brother, tried to explain to him what happened. He was laughing in my face and said he has no memory of these things happening which I find disturbing since the last time it happened he was 10 and I was 16 and almost an adult and WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME. Is he compressing the pain????????? He said he forgives me for whatever "I think I did" and has no suffering over anything that happened from time we were children. How can that be???? I remember he said to me when it happened at the age of his 10th, and that was also the last time it happened, I'm going to tell what you did. I only answered I didn't do anything and changed the subject and spoke of it never again or repeated such behavior ever again. My first real sexual experience with a boy was at the age of 17. Everything else in my life since that point went on "normal" and I never thought of these childhood events since recently, when the memories started to crush pieces of my soul. Confessed to my boyfriend. He actually thinks I'm overreacting and looking for punishment and causing myself trauma when my brother shows none.
I say to him, that may be correct but if the rape victim forgives her rapist does that make the rape act okay. Certainly not. The guilt is killing me. And how can it not?
He is 6 years younger then me and was practically baby when it started. I would mostly do it at nights, since we slept in the same bed. He was helpless and my little brother and he didn't give me consensus. I played with him a game he didn't want to be a part of and reached an orgasm which is a fact. In every way that is abuse and it happened over a period of 8 years. Not a one time thing. And finally, the fact that i was 16 the last time it happened is cold painful fact. I should have known better by then. I should have resolved these impulses in another matter. How sick.
So.. What to do now? I feel like I stole a piece of his soul. I want to crawl up and die.