or a narcissit. I haven't read enough about narc's to be able to tell the difference. Where to start? I don't feel guilt (and I'm a catholic, so that should say something). I don't even know what guilt would feel like. Once when I f***ed up a lie I was telling to get out of work I felt very self-conscious and worried; at first I thought it was guilt, but after examining the feeling I realized that I was just ****** at myself for blowing my image. I'm very good at telling lies, although over the past couple years I have tried to limit myself. But I haven't limited my lying because I feel guilty about it... the big lies were just hard to manage. I quit stealing (petty shoplifting) too because I was influencing my younger siblings and they were not very good at it. But the thing that really makes me think I'm a sociopath is that I left for college and never called home the whole year I was gone. all the other kids were calling their moms and friends, but I have always been "bad with communicating" (frankly I just don't care enough to keep in touch). A close family friend died while I was at school and I didn't cry (although my family was destroyed by it) and I didn't call or write.... I didn't think anything of it at the time, but when I returned home for the summer, everyone thought it was a big deal that I didn't even come up for the funeral...
This year I started trying to fix my non-caring. I noticed that when people said that they cared about their family or their friends they actually took certain steps to check up on them and see how they were doing, so I started doing the same. I called every week to talk to at least one of my family members... this year another close family friend died, and although I hadn't been in touch with him for many years, I did cry, and it was very strange for me because at the time I couldn't tell if I was faking it or it was happening naturally. anyways I kept feeding it and I went home for the funeral and cried some more there. I managed to sob and everything, but I don't know if they were real because I kept thinking the whole time that this was expected of me and I should be crying, and I even felt relief that I was able to cry. It's not that I've never cried for real before, but, looking back on it, the only times I have cried spontaneously were when I had been hurt personally (usually my pride).
I love school. Not middle school though (but who did). I loved the classes, but I didn't want to fit in in with the other kids because they were stupid, petty, and full of themselves, so I isolated myself and only had one friend (who I stopped talking to the minute we went to separate high schools). then in high school I resolved to do better. I had friends, but only one close friend (again). but to cut to the chase. it was easy for me to succeed in school because I would read my teachers and give them exactly what they wanted. I hardly ever did my homework (thoroughly), just enough to give them what they actually wanted to hear. it was easy to do well because every teacher has weaknesses and biases. Here's the cool thing though: I'm actually interested in learning for the sake of learning and growing as a person. I found one teacher who I couldn't read (I'm wondering now if he might be sociopathic or if he's just awesome like i suspect), and I actually did all my readings because I wanted to be able to understand what he was saying in class. we read Ovid's Narcissus, which I didn't think much of until he expounded upon and showed the little nuances and really drove home the point of the story. I remember clearly how (after his class) I saw Narcissus in me, and it scared the hell out of me (but when I had read it on my own I had thought not much of it all).
I care very much about my physical appearance and how my personality appears(let me explain). I can change my personality to suit whomever I need it to suit. I notice that I act differently in each of my classes and with each of my "close acquaintances" too. I thought it funny once when I met two of my teachers in the hall and carried on a conversation, I couldn't decide which of me to be... I have a "blond" side which I basically use as an excuse for my inability to complete any project I start and for my flakiness. Although I hate having to use the "blond me" because it makes people think I am less intelligent than I am. Once I used the blond me all through my AP Economics course scored a 5, got a 101% in the class but the teacher gave the class award to a student with a 99% (he didn't even realize that I had the highest score- he f***ing gave the grade to me, you think he'd be able to see it past my blond personality).
I could go on and on, but I'll sum up now. I want to rule the world and have been making silly little plans for it since... for a very long time. I have never loved anyone and I can only think of one instance when I felt genuine love (a friend's mother actually gave a **** about me in the simplest of motherly ways, and just thinking about it now brought tears to my eyes: self-pity tears). Oh and the thing I'm sure most people would find strange is that I could up and leave today and leave everything behind (even my family and friends) and not look back. It would be easy and even enjoyable.
so... all you experts out there. what do you think?
Experts? The only expert here is the doc, the rest of us just pull stuff outta thin air most of the time. You sound like a narc simply because there is no self-critizism in your post whatsoever, which is great. You seem like an interesting, fun and an intelligent person more than a narc, which is what matters.
And now i'll stop feeding your ego :P I'm no expert in narcissism but you seem like you don't really understand yourself and try to box yourself into something, which is always, in my opinion, a bad idea. Once you examine yourself objectively and recognize your own synapses from an outsiders view, can you start to see the whole picture. Most importantly, do you think your behaviour is a problem or needs to change?
I've been searching about the psychopaths all around the internet because i just discovered im one and this post is so similar to my life to the point that he is basically telling my life and ways of being and just as he said "I'm actually interested in learning for the sake of learning and growing as a person." i try to look out for how other kind of psychopaths think and how they behave beside from the usual sites of "im married with a psychopath" "how to spot a psychopath""self help of victims" all of this just like the kid that sent a letter http://askdrrobert.dr-robert.com/psychopath6.html
we are all not bad people (even him just as i do have a high sense of politeness) i like to think of myself as neutral in matters of my behave with the persons around me i have a high sense of respect of loyalty in fairness even had the golden rule as a way to behave in general since i was a little kid "Treat others as you would like to be treated"
just like wild i had only felt connection to a person in my whole life, a girl to who i felt was genuine love she is the only one who can still make me cry and feel sadness and dont know often i said to myself she was the only one i wanted to care and she to care for me back
wild also pointed out that he is unable to cry, be touched for deaths of relatives with his histories about funerals of relatives reminded me once when i was 13 -/+ i had an experience just like that in my school there was a religious retirement and at the end the motivational speaker gathered all of the school which was like 200 kids on the school yard and started to talk to do his magic about the family how we dont appreciate enough our parents and suddenly the whole school started to cry and i was shocked because i didnt feel a thing and felt a real pressure because i was unable to cry and after some minutes i started to cry but didnt feel sad not one bit "because i dont love my parents enough" it was the only time i cried in my youth and only for social pressure
i just feel that is unfair to say that all psychopaths are born evil and our kind will manage to hurt cheat and bring disaster to everyone around us when we can function just as good as a normal person or even better since ive seen how guilt remorse sadness and relations are so messy, bring troubles and only hold back the intellect of an individual. yes i know how that sounds so narcissistic but if a normal person would say it then it would sound inspiring and motivational, so much for double standards huh ?
other point of how wild mention that he would at this moment leave his family friends and everything behind and not look back its just how i feel i could leave my life and start a new one without feeling bad about disconnecting ive left friends just like him from one minute to another i had stoped thinking about them and got them out of my life just as easy but all of this doesnt mean that i will clean their bank accounts and rob every penny they had just like every single web site of psychopaths or book predict i will do
one clear example of how psychopaths are not necessarily bad persons is how ive had girlfriends in the past ive manipulated them so well to go out with me they had fell in love with me and i am a pretty **** good boyfriend i dont see a difference into saying and making believe the other person that i love her if you behave good and treat them well many have said i was the best man they had and in my point of view i was; i always followed every rule of how i should feel and how i should behave with them never cheated or even degraded their self steem even though i could easily have done it but it wasnt a smart move :P. never felt a thing for them or anyone if that matters but i tried to do good and be fair with them because i knew that was a good thing that would keep them in good terms with me i say that is how normal persons feel but just diferent they can feel it and i can think and rationalize it
sorry if i have grammar mistakes my native language isnt english and this is my personal point of view after reading a lot over the internet about psychopaths
This thread needs wolfie desperately.
No reason to believe female psychopaths exist at all? Why not? Can't a girl hit her head in a bicycle accident as well as any boy?
I love it when people do things like that....
Oh, Whitewolf, you're back. I was afraid I had run you off for a while there.
I think wolfie is angry because i don't aknowledge him, how petty. For all your boasting, you keep disappointing again and again.
I sometimes forget that you live in isolation.
Hexi, I value you far more than the others because we are similar. But I do not have any emotional dependency on you nor do I seek your acceptance as I already have it.
Yours is the closest structured mind to my own. Only in that you can relate to some of my actions and understand the underlying reasoning I may use as you share that same structure. Everything else is unique to the individual as far as I know.
I'm a paranoid psychopath. Which means I assume everyone is out to get me in some manner or another. But people don't get that I don't have any concept of fear. So really a paranoid psychopath is just an untrusting psychopath... which labels most of the higher capacity psychopaths.
I was ego boosting again. Can't help that. It's how God created me... because he loves me. No, but really even if there isn't a God.. I still don't fear death. I thought that would change that maybe I would be more emotional but no.. I guess everything inside is dead to me.
Hahahahaha, you crack me up wolfie, you really do. That was awesome.
I still don't understand why you fear death. Why you would concern yourself with prolonging this life at all costs. For all the distaste you have towards the world.. you sure do seem like you want to stay in it.
I see your fear of death as an exploitable weakness that you shouldn't have. Perhaps... perhaps you are broken . :-(
I'm confused. Who are you adressing wolf? If me, wut?
And how does that equate to me being afraid of death? If i have nothing to live for, surely i wouldn't care if i died, no? Or was that too logical for your superior mind to grasp?