I have a question to ask that is a little different. I have recently found out that I can be abusive in relationships. When I get mad I call names and break up with the person only to later feel horrible and beg for forgiveness. Also when I get mad it feels so deep and I don't think straight. Nothing else matters but proving my point and making it heard. Even if it makes no sense. Where is this anger coming from?? I do all kinds of ridiculous things such as leaving, ignoring, yelling, knocking his character, crying, throwing ridiculous and embarrassing fits. Then sending mad text messages when my boyfriend tries to get me to calm down. I have called him every name in the book, all to get my way. Made every excuse in the book and thrown countless fits to get what I want. I have shown jealousy when he talks to other girls and even gotten mad at him for looking at someone wrong. Only to feel horrible for acting in this manner later. My outbursts were stupid and bad and only make me feel horrible and stupid. The problem is when I am having them, they make complete sense and I feel completely right. I have finally realized what I was doing was horribly wrong and it got better for a month until he lost his job. The first month of him being unemployed was OK. He wasn't actively pursuing a job and so I started getting more and more angry until one drunken night I actually hit him. The worst part was I didn't even remember. I was devastated that this behavior had happened and so embarrassed but blamed the alcohol. So I quit drinking for a while but my behavior returned to the previous that I explained above but not psychical. I would try not to get angry but I would get home and he would just be sitting there not looking for a job with all the bills piling up. Sometimes I could make myself not get mad and others I couldn't. Then I went out with my friends came home and got into another fight with him and became psychically abusive again. I want to drink responsibly when I drink and be happy again when I go out but it doesn't seem to be happening. Now the only time I fight with him is while drunk and most of the time it gets psychical. Other than not drinking anymore which of course is the obvious how can I stop being angry at him or angry in general? How can I stop being horrible? Am I addicted to the drama? Where is this anger coming from? I don't want to be like this. I never want to hurt anyone psychically or emotionally. How long does it take for me to change. Is this a permanent part of my character? Growing up I was allowed to yell, scream, and cuss at my parents. I never ever became psychical but I hated being allowed to do this. If I threw a fit they would give me whatever I wanted and it made me feel depressed. Now it is happening in my adult life and I want it to stop completely and be able to enjoy a normal and healthy relationship with myself and my significant other. I don't know if this relationship will work out, probably not, but I want to make sure this behavior stops now and never happens again in the future. How do I change my way of thinking for good? Is it possible to do without therapy? Is it possible to do?