I was a virgin until I met my girlfriend and under the circumstances (religion) I assumed she was. We had sex, I found out she was not and she admitted to a previous encounter. I assumed that was it. So we continued having sex and two months later I deduced, based on a few little suspicions, that she had sex with at least two other people. When asked she did not confirm nor deny, just got angry. Now I don't know how much experience she has had and while I will stay with her no matter what, in order to put it all behind me I just need her to come out and tell me the truth. I can't keep having this ambiguity continue, it drives me nuts. I need the whole truth and then move on in our relationship. She gets hysterical when I bring it up, yet obviously knows my whole history (virgin). How do I solve my dilemma and free myself from this emotional torture?
Hi JohnJ. Read this article by Dr. Robert. It’s lengthy, but I think it’ll address your question.
I am a Young Muslim. I Found Out That My Girlfriend Is Not Pure. Now I Want to Kill Myself.
I’d only add that I would encourage you to question your thinking about this. As in literally, write your exact thoughts down about this issue and question them to find out if they are absolutely true. You are so much freer than you appear to believe. If you truly love her, try not to waste too much time obsessing about how many times she’s had sex. The exact number changes nothing about you and doesn’t have to mean anything other than what you believe it means. The past isn’t here and neither is the future. You are here and you are now. Therein lies your freedom.
If you will stay with her no matter what, why do you need to know? Why does it drive you nuts? Are you afraid she will compare you to others? Are you afraid she is morally inferior? Why do you need to know?
I'll give my honest answer. Commit suicide. Not only will you make the world a better place now, you will give the world a better future by not leaving your offspring behind. See, everyone wins.
Not funny, Hexi. Not funny at all.
Good answers Ecce Homo and Unknown. I agree with both. Love is here and now. The past is dead and gone. If you really love this woman and she loves you, be happy. Don't screw it up by demanding "truth" about her past. Her past does not belong to you, and she has a right to privacy.
Hexi, your reply is the kind of joke that only a complete assh*** thinks is funny, and if you meant it seriously and not as a joke you are worse than a complete assh***. A psychopath can be kind if he so chooses. You, apparently have chosen to be cruel, and that makes you an assh*** in my book.
Hexi - Commit suicide? What's wrong with you? If you think that's funny, then your very immature, and if you meant that seriously, you're ****ed up in the head.
He was a virgin and thought he was losing his with her. But when he fell in he was like "oh snap she's not a virgin but this feels good". Then later he's like "you ain't ah virgin" but she doesn't understand why he is ruining their relationship over it and quite frankly she is tired of him acting this way.
I understand where Hexi is coming from. People have big and small issues in life and people who have to put up with big issues get disgusted with people who can't handle the small things.
Also this guy really is looking down.
Bro... you got laid. Grats!!! You are no longer a virgin. Isn't it a great feeling?! What you need to do is grab all those happy moments and live in them. Get over her not being a virgin and enjoy being with her as she enjoys being with you. You know how much it hurts her when you harrass her like that? She can't help not being a virgin and you are missing the moment.
Cease this moment!
No, Hexi told him to commit suicide because he's an idiot.
People like him don't deserve to be taking good peoples precious oxygen.
Also, telling someone to Commit Suicide is illegal, here and in Finland. >:D
I understand that as a psychopath you don't give a rat's ass whether your stupid post gets approval or disapproval. Perhaps you even prefer disapproval. Nevertheless, I want to add my voice to those who found your reply to a well-meaning question from a confused person in emotional pain to be mean-spirited, nasty, and not at all funny. You, señor, are a first-class jerk.
If you had any real intelligence, you would realise that the doctor has provided here an important resource for exchange of views and information, the kind of open resource without censorship that you rarely find anywhere,and you would try to use it that way instead of trumpeting your perverse and idiotic fantasies in this space.
You are a hateful kind of guy, and I wish you would just get lost and leave these pages to those who want to use them properly.
Well put Ricardo.
He's probably enjoying these comments, and all the attention. He wouldn't even care if the OP happened to take what he said to heart and commited suicide, he probably would've found it funny.
Oh, yes. Forgot this. Whitewolf, your answer is much, much better. A least you put up some good advice for the guy.
Of course we all understand that this guy is confused, but why look down on him for that? We have all been confused at times (like you were when you "quit" the forum), so why give him grief over it when he really came here asking for help.
I am not saying feel sorry for him, just that if he asks for help, why not help him out?
There is such a big difference between you and Hexi. I know you are both psychopaths, but you seem to try to get along with everyone and you seem intelligent. Hexi usually seems only to be showing off. And his sense of humor sucks.
This IS funny! My half-assed comment got a bigger response than a confused person who has real troubles sorting out his feelings and understanding them. Why are you all so angry, by the way? Did you chuckle when you know you shouldn't have? In any case, i was not trying to be funny, Wolfie got why i posted it. To even think people would actually find quesions such as the one op posted important and struggle over them makes me want to just give up.
Oh, and i'm also fully aware i am a ******* when i want to be, no reason to try to get me to feel bad or something, it's not working.
Why would anyone of sound mind find that even remotely funny?
So you were being serious? That's worse, it means you're evil.
Just because you don't understand why someone is hurting doesn't mean you should tell them, or even joke about them ending their lives.
You don't understand because you can't, you'll drift through your ****ty half-assed life with nothing to show for it, no accomplishments, you'll have no wife, girlfriend or children and then you'll die. And I'll rejoice; the world will be a better place.
Toby, I think the world will rejoice. Why Hexi, why? If I ever have the misfortune of meeting you I will punch you in the face. Joking about suicide isn't funny, its the hallmark of a retard.
I find it funny that, instead of trying to help the one who posted the question you all gang up on me like rats. *That* is what i found funny. You are right toby, i am evil, i won't get married and i wont have children and i will drift through life and die, and i'm fine with that. Are you? Does it upset you that your sanctimonious judgemnt means nothing to me? Atleast we are having new posts on this forum again! It's been quiet recently. Better yet, let's make a new topic called "Let's hate Hexi because he doesn't think like we do".
I was telling the truth. It wasn't mean to upset you, I'm glad it didn't.
No, I wouldn't be fine with drifting through life. Because I don't.
I enjoy my life, everyday of it. I take nothing for granted, and I have many friends, a family, wife and children.
I wasn't trying to upset you, merely pointing out how pathetic your existence is.
You should apreciate my honesty, shouldn't you?
Oh I wasn't arguing who was more inteligent. I know I'm a lot smarter than you'll ever be. What I was arguing is that you aren't smart enough to ever truely grasp what I am saying. You seem to lack imagination and creativity. Mentally you are inferior to the average person because you really seem to lack any individuality or personal thought on the Bible. Your mundane British preacher probably raves on all day. Boring the people to death. Like how Catholics are.
They call it a Living Bible because everyone seems to find a personal message in it for them. The meaning of the words changes between the viewers. So what it means to you may be different than what it means to me.
I am curious. Answer this.
The Bible says your body is Gods temple. To take care of the temple and protect it. The Bible also says.. if your hands make you steal chop them off. If your eyes make you lust cut them out ect.
But that would be destroying the temple. What does it mean... To you.
You're much smarter for sure, it's not like my job requires any know how. -_-
I assume you're reffering to Matthew 5:29
"If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell."
See, what you've done is what I did in the beginning, you've taken that verse literally.
It doesn't actually mean self-dismemberment is a requirement to avoid Gehenna.
Jesus was merely using parts of the body to make a very important point. He was just showing that Christians shouldn't tolerate sin as an integral part of their lives. If an person has sinful habits, he should overcome them, even though the process of overcoming them may be as painful as the loss of a limb.
That's not just how I see it, that's the official interpretation, it's not to be taken literally. :D
Whitewolf, I love the way you seemingly point out what you see as flaws in me and point them out relentlessy.
You actually see yourself as "superior", don't you?
As Dr. Robert said when talking about you, "Someone who claims there superiority is actually confessing their fear of inferiority"
Is there an official handbook that goes with this official version?
I hate it when people just concede. Why do your kind do that?! You just sit on the plane and die. I'd rather die fighting. No point in just accepting death without a fight. It's sad.
You know why I understand my kind? Cause we think logically. So I have a sort of empathy with my own. I feel comfortable with them. Because we have unspoken rules of logic. There are lines we don't cross unless we want to fight. But your kind cross those lines on us all the time. Not usually even aware of it.
This is boring. We've pretty much milked it.
Maybe when normal people claim superiority it's just a a game but I actually believe it. Not saying I'm superman or nothing like that. Just in some emotional positions I excel far beyond you because while your mind is flooded with emotion... Mine is calm and stable.
You freaked out seeing a dead kid on a cross. What are you going to do when someone draws a gun on you and starts firing? You'll die. Not me. I'm superior to the normal mind in the arts of war. War is my very nature.
I know I'm not over all superior. Because I have to go to extremes to reach gratification while you can enjoy the simple things. Also being smart isn't everything. It can usually handicap you because you stop caring and have apathy.
Do you know how I feel alive? I smoke pot. It helps me relax and takes the edge off reality. Beats endangering the lives of others by driving fast or doing something crazy... that could hurt others. But no one understands it. Society won't allow it.
If legalizing pot could get rid of serial killers... would you do it? If you knew it would cause psychopaths to have a less aggresive nature... would you make it available to them?
Pretty much, yeah. :D
You can't talk for all your people, when you say that there are lines you don't cross, I don't think I am sure that serial killers think like that.
What you say you feel and do, I am sure would vary from psychopath to psychopath. Amirite?
See... he's talking about feelings again. He's not getting the whole emotionally dead theme here. We only feel for ourselves. The rest of you are animals to us. Or lesser creatures. Whatever you prefer.
Each of us will be influenced by our enviornment. Each will have his own preferences. But all of us are logical. We have a common denominater. You think your emotions are your common denominater but you are wrong. For all emotional people are different. Emotions sway and change but not logic.
I don't speak for them. But I do understand them. And we understand you. We catiglorize people into personality types and judge you accordingly. There are billions of people like you. Only about 60 million like me.
Well, let's see. Logic will work the same way every time, regardless of who employs it. Emotion I'm not sure about. Different people have different hormonal levels and so on, so....
Suppose you take two logical people of equivalent ability and put them in the same situation. (An attack by a giant snake, maybe?) Assuming they both get the same input (one of them's not blind, for instance), they'll act about the same way. (Given my level of ability in giant-snake-battling, I would probably run.) Two emotional people in the same situation are more likely to react very differently from each other. (One of them might run, while the other might just stand there shaking and crying, for example.)
On the other hand, two logical people might arrive, by the same process, at two very different conclusions. The thing is, it all depends on the premises from which you start. Assuming a logical person can state their premises, I can understand how they arrived at their conclusion. With an emotional person, though, I usually can't. More often than not, this is because their emotions cloud their reasoning--so they can't explain it. Usually there is some sort of logic to their thinking. The main problem is that the premises for their logic are so often based on their emotions. For example, they may reason that there must be a god because they feel a desperate need for one. It doesn't follow. I might as well argue that I must be an alien because I feel so different from everyone else.
Still, it is entertaining to try to figure out how emotional people think--what are their premises? Where are they logical? Where are they illogical? What are the emotions they are reasoning from? And I find that it's much easier to get an emotional person to explain their reasoning (or lack thereof) to you when they don't feel they have to defend it. So I play nice. ^_^
(By the way, NC, way to ignore! :)
Emotion definetely changes, but so does logic.
Toby, do you miss the point on purpose or don't you just understand what you read?
I am incredibly tired, I haven't slept in 3 days.
And I can't sleep for 2 more, I am having an electroencephalograph* taken to measure brain activity, I am only aloud to sleep for a few hours in the day.
*I know I've spelt that wrong but I don't care.
I got electroencephalograph right? Yay!
"aloud"... LOL :)
Whitewolf - I get it... you're dead inside.
I know you are logical, we are too.
Emotions sway and change, and so does logic.
Logic changes probably more rapidly than emotions, I understand you want to use this because It's your only fall-back, but we've logic too.
Oh and I can honestly say: You don't understand us.
You can't understand something you've never experienced!
I'm not proffesing to be able understand you and better than you understand us. Sure, you can describe our emotions, but you can't understand us.
60 Million like you? 540 Billion like me.
Ah. But an argument can have inductive logic.
An argument only uses deductive when arguing something that's fact, such as the sky is blue.
Inductive would be used in an argument over opinion or perceived fact.
In which case, it's not an argument, it's an opinion masquerading as an argument. ^.^ Which is fine in and of itself. Inductive arguments in mathematics are not the same as inductive arguments in discourse, just fyi. Most inductive constructs in discourse are regarded as logical fallacies in the art of rhetoric.
But an argument is just a set of one (or more) meaningful declarative sentences. A declarative sentence can be anything and doesn't have to be based on fact, and can be opinion or a feeling towards something. That's where inductive logic/reasoning would be used, and it commonly is.
In a classical sense yes, but not in the linguistic sense, the actual definition of "argument" in which inductive logic is employed.
Whitwolf - Nearly all the self-proclaimed Psychopaths on here don't even believe you're a psychopath.
Nah, you'll never get to experience that.
I think there guess was that you were a Narccisist or a "poser".
So I died... inside.. as a child. Thats funny cause sometimes I like to tell people (I died a little bit inside when I saw that."
Shouldn't you all feel a great remorse for me then?
According to your theory I was once one of you. Full of life and feelings. But just like my mother... something killed me inside. But it didn't take my life... just my soul.
Everything that was humane... dead.
Do you know what I was doing when I was standing over Bambi as he died? I was trying to hurt myself. I wanted to feel pain for killing that animal. I thought maybe if I stood over it and watched... it would hurt me. But it didn't. Cause I'm already dead.
Cursed to exist among the living. To see them, to know their joy, and never feel it myself.i had this terrible and vivid dream someone would expose me. I should have known it would happen. I never remember dreams but when I do they always forfill themselves.
Toby, that means that once I was like you. I felt just as real as you do. So even in this theory I know what I'm talking about. But don't you feel worse for me than them. To know I was one of you... and it was one of you that killed me. That made me into this sexy ***** I am.
Can I have my academy award now? How about some donations to the help whitewolf rehabilitate foundation? Btw I'm not angry I just come across that way because I'm sarcastic and don't care.
Wolfie, you should just stop the charade for awhile. You might get some new ideas, like i have! :)
Also, that was way too overdramatic to warrant an oscar, no one would believe that.
i see "stuff", not numbers
Hexi, I'm sorry for what I said. I thought that was Tobys reply.
Using these emotes makes me seem more human.
We have totally derailed this thread. I'm realizing that now.
Sorry I'll stop.
I think I understand you now, you just want to argue with me!
If that wasn't true then why would you feel the need to apologize to Hexi when you thought it was me?
You should have the balls to argue with Hexi, just because he's a psychopath doesn't entitle him to be free of your argumentative replys. :)
Emotes? All I am seeing is dots... :D
Why... cause I thought you figured me out. It was like a slap in the face. Toby... figured out my trick?! Morally it was devastating cause I see you as inferior and for you to get me like that... it would have sunk my battleship.
Thankfully it was Hexi. I expected him to understand but not you. So for him to say it is no surprise but had you said it... would be devastating.
Okay I'm stopping now. I mean it this time. LOL
I wish we could have signatures here. Mine was "you SANK my battleship?!?!" on another forum. It just makes me laugh again and again!
EDIT: Oh, Toby, stop being so easy. It's depressing!
One of my favourite comedians tells why it's great to be single! You should also watch his other stuff, it's great.
He's not my favourite, but I like him. :D
I looked at some of his other videos and found this:
Especially at 0:16 seconds!
Well Hicks and Carlin are still the best but CK, Norton and O'Neil are funny.
They're all American! :(
I don't really like American humour, and vice versa... I assume.
I prefer British humour myself obviously, but I do like him, and the "bag of dicks" video. :D
Aren't there any good Finnish stand up comedians?
Not really, no. My country is a depressing sea of grey, devoid of humour. Our national sport is getting drunk and beating the **** out of our wives and children.
I can sense your strong national pride... :D
Are you a homo? I didn't mean that insultingly, but Whitewolf said you were...
EDIT: I can't help but laugh re-reading what I just put. :D
Nah, i'm not hehe. Wolfie is just a homophobic.
Oh right. :D
I wasn't sure how to put "Are you a homo" into the conversation without it seeming like an insult. LOL
Yes, because that wouldn't be awkward. :P
I am honest.
Of course it would be awkward if I went up to someone I barely knew and asked them If they like to **** hookers. :D
It might be different for psychopaths, but that question would be awkward for us. Like Whitewolf (or you, I forget) said, you don't feel awkward in social situations and that's how you could ask me about my preffered pornogrpahy. I didn't find that awkward to answer, but I would find it awkward to ask.
I'm probably going to miss some of your posts for a while, I'm busy keeping up with the results of the election, I'm eager to see who's going to run my country. :D
the point i assume hexi was making is the banality of the issue, which is rooted in society's obsession with, in this case, female sexuality.
hexi was making the point that the man's issue doesn't deserve much of a response.
i agree completely. john should get over himself.
these hang-ups are pointless and people like hexi, see that.
he didn't really mean john should commit suicide. if you don't understand irony then god help you all, you have a long way to go.
I'm going to just ignore the off-topic posts above, but in response to your post johnj, have you asked yourself why it's so important to you how many partners she has had, and why you're finding yourself so upset with her unwillingness to tell you? Are you upset because you perceive your girlfriend to be less pure? Do you worry that if she's had more partners, you can't trust her as much (and if so, why is that?) Are you concerned about diseases? Are you upset because she's withholding information from you? What information do you feel you have a right to know about her past, and why? Also, I'm curious, why do you suspect that she has had multiple partners? Is it due to something physical you've observed, or something she may have unwittingly alluded to in casual conversation? These are things that you need to ask yourself, if you haven't already.
Your girlfriend is probably reacting so defensively because she doesn't understand why her sexual history is so important to you, and she may be afraid that you might value her less if she's had multiple partners. It's your responsibility to first clarify this issue to yourself, so that you can better explain it to your girlfriend. Then maybe you will have a better chance at having a constructive, open conversation instead of repetitive, circular fights that shut down real communication.
It might also help to ask her (without accusing or assuming anything) to clarify her own position. Why doesn't she want to tell you? Is she afraid you'll leave her? How does she feel when you ask her about her past, and does she understand why she feels this way? Does she feel that her privacy is being invaded? It's important to make sure your tone, body language, and facial expressions don't convey a sense that you're blaming or accusing her. Make it clear that you're asking in order to better understand her, not to lead her into saying something that will get her "in trouble." Maybe try to talk about this when you're both calm, and if it gets too intense, you can give yourselves time to cool off before picking up where you left off in the conversation.
One thing I would advise, is that you'll get a lot further with your conversations about this if you don't write off her reaction as "hysterical". I'm guessing you wouldn't appreciate your girlfriend dismissing your very real emotions as hysterical, irrational, or unwarranted. So she would probably appreciate if you'd take her emotions seriously, even if you're having a hard time understanding where she's coming from. She's allowed to feel angry, resentful, or defensive just as much as you are.
In the end, she has a right to withhold any information from you that she wants. You can't make her tell you, but you can make clear statements about your own feelings and about why this issue is so important to you. When I say to make clear statements about yourself, I do not mean "You make me feel angry," (she's not responsible for your emotions), I mean something more like "I feel angry when you (fill in the blank) because (explain why without blaming her for your emotion)." She may never actually tell you, and you have to decide if you can live with that or not. It's not fair to either of you if you can't stay in the relationship without harboring resentment.
One last thing. If you are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases (and no matter how much she tries to write off this concern as irrational or paranoid, it is a valid concern), you have a right to ask her to get tested if she hasn't already. She also has a right to refuse, and it's up to you to decide whether or not you can live with that. It is your responsibility to take care of your own health.
I hope you can both work this out, please do come back and post with any updates (Try not to let the off-topic posts scare you off).