Do you think I have schizoid personality disorder? Here's an easy to understand list of what I experience
I often appear aloof, cold, and distant, alternately with appearing euphoric and crazy. I am very easily bored, and relatively disorganized (desk is covered in papers, room floor's a mess, and I can't find things easily).
But mostly, I appear charming and easygoing, in active social engagements only.
I enjoy making plans, but tend to have difficulty in following them through.
I enjoy making friends, but I usually end up losing interest in *them* after a few weeks, and use them mainly as companions for going to events, as I don't like to be physically alone...yet I enjoy my solitude.
Most of my friendships tend to be superficial, as I don't like sharing my feeling with others, because doing that makes me feel violated.
I often manipulate others to get what I want (my professors, my parents, etc.)
I find it difficult to emotionally connect with people, as I just can't empathize with people. Animals are fine, but people aren't.
I also find sympathy difficult to express, as I always sound cold when I try to to express it. Although really, I just don't care that much to get involved in other people's emotional pain.
I often withdraw into my private fantasy world, which is the only place where I can fully connect with others, albeit the constructs of my own mind.
I really have no interest in deep, emotional relationships with others in real life, save for my cats.
I have poor table manners, and I often say things that I really shouldn't, and generally act immature. Usually when I'm in an excited situation.
I often break rules when no-one's around, and I have seriously thought of paying for items, and then calling my bank and saying my card and checkbook were lost, and get reimbursed plus have the items. Though I never manage to actually do this, usually because I lack initiative, not because of any remorseful feelings.
I often lie when people who I don't trust (everyone) asks me about what I'm thinking or feeling, as I don't like sharing my inner world with others.
I've had violent thoughts about exacting revenge on the leader of the autistic support group I used to go to (my former child psychologist thought I had PDD-NOS, yet she was extremely hesistant about making that diagnosis, and just put it down so I could receive speech therapy and OT for my brain damage, as there were no overt neurological defecits), because her and that group irritated me so much...all the robotic conversations, the preservating on stupid topics, the hitting, the biting, the leader acting like I had no ability to socialize (maybe because all my peers are morons and I get along better with adults, specifically, learned professionals like physicians, lawyers, clergy, accountants, engineers, etc.; also, reciting scripted social conversations is not natural) and teaching me how to make friends when I could already. My middle school years, down the drain.
I often feel that my affect is just a charade to make people see and hear what they want to, and to prevent people from being suspicious about me.
I often manage to get choked up in tears about something going on in my inner fantasy world (like I'm watching a sad movie network at night; currently it's illegal genetically engineered cat anthro children being executed), or laugh uncontrollably about something really funny known only to me.
I was starved of oxygen for over 30 minutes when I was born, which caused the death of the white matter around the ventricles of my brain. I also exhibit Myerson's sign (tapping my forehead between my eyes causes me to blink uncontrollably), which is a sign of frontal lobe injury.
I have NO idea whether I'm actually upset about all of this, or I just want attention and enjoy the analyzing process.
Maybe I have SPD, or psychopathy, or maybe my frontal lobe damage is causing pseudo-depression and pseudo-psychopathy. My former psychologist (who can't see me anymore because she's a child psychologist) said I had PDD-NOS, because we both realized that I had symptoms PDD-NOS lacked, and lacked some of the symptoms of PDD-NOS.
Thanks for listening.