The reason I feel that I have to contact you is that I feel totally apart fromt he rest of humanity, when someone dies I feel nothing, I can lie, cheat and steal but still feel no remorse. I am obsessed with the image of being a cold, distant and frightening figure. It is hard to put into words what I am trying to convey about myself but I truly feel like I am not a human being.
I am 18 and I live in london, I am at the moment finishing my final year of Sixth Form and I am taking Chemistry, Biology and ICT. In the previous year I took the same 3 AS Levels plus Maths, Physics and Critical Thinking. I am planning to go a Russel Group university to either study Medicine or Pharmacy. I have some friends but they are not close and do not know me for who I am. My friends think I am charming and personable but if they were all to die I would not even be able to shed a tear.
When I walk down the street I find myself scanning the crowd for the weak and unsuspecting. This leads me onto my other point, I feel myself becoming more violent and I have bouts of anger I can not explain. These bouts make me cold and calculating and I look at the object of my anger and think about what I can do to destroy it. I am in perfect control of myself and the anger lasts longer each time it comes.
I would like to know if I have a mental illness that will progress into something deadly or if it is just who I am.
P.S. I have included some of my poetry as I think it captures what i am tryign to say better than i have phrased it in my E-Mail.
I exist for myself
you may think its not so
but you would be msitaken.
i may seen kind
but truly i am
as the say goes
"a wolf in sheeps clothing"
I stalk the night
like an untamed beast
searching for the object of my desire
prowling the lands
moving stealthly through
the shadows of civilisation
waiting for the time to strike
when i sense my prey
it is a blitz of fire and fury
as i knock it to the ground
its in my power now
and its right to cower
for it will never see another hour
I have lost all care
i am becoming
an animal holwing at the night
screaming for my lust to sated
clawing and tearing at everything and nothing
giving in to every urge
Well that sums up your problems. Life doesn't mean much without purpose and living for yourself isn't purpose. It's a shallow, meaningless and unforfilling existance. Why seek that?
Why not just excel at life instead? It's okay to have fun.
I used to push my car to 130 just to feel alive. Always looking to that distant sky. So I can look death right in the eyes and laugh. It's that moment between life and death. After a while I just came to accept that I can't taunt death into killing me. But the good die young so maybe if I continue my good natured deeds I could final die. They say Heaven is so great but I don't see any of you trying to get there. LOL
No, I'm not suicidal. But I do believe that if you positively influence your enviornment.. there's a chance your good karma will be reflected. Besides it's easy to break these people down. Why not take the challenge of building them? Sorry, I've always liked challenges.