Return to Website

dr. robert forum

Welcome to dr. robert forum.

This Forum community is growing fast. Tell your friends.


Visit "ask dr. robert" to read replies to the latest questions.

Thanks to the help of a very kind Cajun amigo, the Dr. Robert Forum is back, better than ever, at:

I look forward to seeing you all there.

Be well,

robert's Forum
This Forum is Locked
Always get cold feet!?!

It takes a lot for me to trust someone.. and over time i can trust women enough to really be myself and not fear humiliation etc. I can then really say that i like/love them and things seem to be going great.

Then, when things get SERIOUS or like.. it becomes really "official" I always get sort of... distant and anxious. I don't know why it happens....

I've been wondering if it's because i'm scared? Scared of being trusted with a womans heart? Scared of getting what i really have been searching for now that it's finally come? Scared of losing some of my freedom?

I suffer from mild obesessive thoughts.. and sometimes I think i need to really be familiar and feel safe with my surroundings. Maybe it's that feeling of letting go slightly that scares me? I don't know....

I heard a song the other day by Robbie Williams (he's not all that bad) and one of the lyrics struck a chord a bit with me:

"Before I fall in love, i'm preparing to leave her.."

That's sort of how my mind works sometimes. I struggle to just chill out and explore relationships in a comfortable positive way... i always start to think of the worst when things get serious.. but i really don't want to.


Re: Always get cold feet!?!

Hey Dave. I got a few questions for you.

What’s the worst thing that could happen in the context of a romantic relationship? Picture it in your mind. See it as vividly as you can. Feel it. Hear it even, if possible. See yourself in the midst of that situation. How do you feel? What are you thinking? Are you breathing? Is your brain working at all? Are you surviving? Isn’t possible that your mind is lying to itself? And if it is lying, who says you have to believe it?

What will happen if a woman says she trusts you with her heart?

How do you benefit by zeroing in on your obsessively fearful thoughts? As the parlance goes, what’s your payoff?

What will happen to you if you lose your freedom? By the way, is it really possible to lose true freedom? If you can lose it then it wasn’t yours or true to begin with.

Have you heard of insight meditation? It might be a good avenue for you to explore. It seems to me that the first task is to simply break the chain of indentifying with your merry-go-round like thinking by stepping back from it. Insight meditation might be very helpful to you in that regard. When you see that your thoughts are not the sum total of who you are, then you can step back and observe them, as if from a distance. You can watch them as they appear and disappear within your awareness. You can merely observe the emotions as they move through your body. Be gentle with yourself as you observe. Just take notice. If you can do that a few times, it’ll be easier for you to then question the specific thoughts that create the most fear within you. I am a big advocate of self inquiry (having Socratic dialogue with yourself) because it has worked wonders for me. I also understand if this method of intense inner self questioning doesn’t resonate with you. It’s not for everyone.

One other thing. Waiting to trust people not to humiliate you, while a valid choice, is also a precarious one, in my experience. It’s precarious because trustworthiness and untrustworthiness (especially when they are linked to the belief that other people cause your emotional pain) are inextricably linked. And it’s also in the eye of the beholder. At the risk of slipping into guru-speak, you always find what you truly seek. Plus, it’s always difficult to have positive faith in a person that you believe has the power to humiliate you. I discovered a little while ago that it is impossible for anyone to humiliate me. That makes it a lot simpler to trust people to be who they are without expecting them to avoid humiliating me. It makes unconditional love so much easier!

I believe you’d be just fine if the worst happened, even if you don’t. Seek the truth underneath the lies you tell yourself via your fearful thoughts. The truth really will set you free.