I have a strange problem and Iam aware of it. I just stay away from people and I want them to leave me alone. I mean I don’t harm no one and I don’t want no one to harm me. An example is if someone starts a problem I just move away from the place and avoid her/him completely. Iam an idealist I want everything perfect. I abhor bad behavior and if I see any bad thing in a person I can't stand that person. From my experience I never saw good people except my family members. Even the bad ones are still better than others. am not saying this because they are my relatives but it’s a fact. Like some are back biters some are wicked, some lack communication skills, some smoke etc. Once a person has any bad quality I can't stand them I know it.

Also dirtiness and mouth smell and a bad image .In addition I cant stand short people or bad looking people I know they didn’t create themselves and in my religion it’s a sin to say this but I don’t make them feel that I feel like that towards them and I pity them but in my mind.I keep looking at them and saying look at his/her nose look at his teeth etc …I hate doing this but its just there.
So I know if my husband doesn’t really look good to me I wont stand him…I mean he should be pleasing to my sight even if others don’t find him like that…Here only will I be able to be a good wife and partner or else I will suffer in pain…because I wouldn’t like to hurt him and at the same time I will have to fight my feelings at the end I know I always use my mind and I will have to leave but live with the guilt and the feeling of having sinned..

Now the problem is this problem is making me unable to get married because I look for perfection .I want a religious,wellmannered ,kind nice looking guy and this is not to be found …I would say its ok but I know myself I wont stand this and I will ask for a divorce immediately……Another problem is when my brother or uncle brings a guy for a proposal .I just cant agree for the reason I noted before but if I say no I feel bad its like I hurt my brother and uncle but that’s not my intention they don’t know my problem also sometimes the guys are married and with women I know. This makes me feel like if I marry them Iam betraying those women and this is not one of my qualities. People find it strange but they just don’t know I can't do such a thing I only wish they understand…

I know myself I can't stand people …..Also especially now Iam like over 40 and I feel like ?I have nothing to give I just want to rest and live in peace Iam not ready for problems I feel tired I have given all I can to my family and I have no more patients to bear any new person in my life and cant be responsible for anyone….is this a physiological problem that needs help…I don’t think so because I am aware of everything I judge and decide….I hope you get me…I would like to go in more details but as you know you have limited numbers of words and many emails …Thanks..

Hello Serena, idealist extraordinaire!

What an interesting post. It must be somewhat exhausting to your spirit, having to look for perfection all the time, only to come up empty handed time and time again, huh? I think you are deeply afraid. You seek perfection as a means of protecting yourself against those people you believe will hurt you. You think of them as imperfect, you say you cannot handle imperfection and that this is the reason you lead an isolated life. But the reason you cling to this way of thinking and feeling that you admittedly see is causing you more pain than happiness, is that you are afraid to open yourself up to others. Even more so, perhaps you are afraid of facing your own imperfection, your own weaknesses. How would you know others are imperfect unless you had a perfect standard with which to compare them to? And what is this perfect standard? Isn’t it you? That’s the rub. We both know that you are not perfect. Not as you define it anyway. Facing yourself, as you are, is a good first step to moving past this, and relationships can be very helpful in this regard. Relationships are often an effective mirror, showing us ourselves. What does the current state of your relationships (or lack thereof) reveal about you?

If you want to be what you think of as a good wife and partner and if you want to ease your own emotional suffering around this issue, start now by facing, accepting and embracing your complete lack of perfection. You intimate that you are a woman of faith. Well why not choose to see that God created you as you are and loves you as you are? And if God loves you as you are, why would he not also love others, these imperfect ones (according to you), as they are? And really, who are you to deem them imperfect? Are you in fact, God? Where has placing your own ego on the throne of your inner world gotten you, besides isolated?

God loves you Serena! So, you can love yourself and then move outward to loving others. Change your mind about the imperfection of mankind. You change your mind by deciding to. Don’t repress your thoughts or emotions, merely intend that they move in a different and more loving direction. Then watch them, notice as the unloving thoughts come into and out of your mind. Don’t attach to those thoughts by focusing on them or believing them to be the whole truth. Just notice, watch them like a disinterested bystander. After you notice the unloving thoughts appear and disappear, deliberately think thoughts that are more in line with your newly chosen intention. It will take time, prayer and perseverance, but if you persist, you will find that your need to see others as imperfect will dwindle while your desire to give love will steadily grow. You’ll be happier to.

And if this is symptom of a deeper issue, also consider professional therapy.

No its not as you understood .I understand no one is perfect neither am I. and its not that Iam scared of someone hurting me….and Iam not afraid I just don’t want problems…I think its my upbringing my family members like uncles granddad etc would say just turn the other chick don’t stay and urge with fools and be like them and cause problems for yourself in normal situations. Like for example today at work the librarian shouted at the students to not touch the books and restricting their choices ..Now I find that wicked she had no right…but I just told the kids take the books from where she asked you too. This was bad but to avoid problems I just turned her cheek I have seen many a time people fighting for stupid things and I feel if I also do the same I will live like them trouble makers got it. The student teacher with me was really upset and gave her a look she even told me don’t keep quiet and I told her my view if we keep arguing with people we wont live in peace….Now Iam not scared as you said I just want to spare myself the fuss.

Plus I don’t live an isolated life. Even at work my relation with everyone is good. But as an observer they aren’t good people .Like if a teacher changes a class with me I don’t find it a problem but they will say why do you accept changing a lesson with them well to me it’s the same whether I teach lesson 3 or 4 but for them its dooms day. Got it.


In perfection I didn’t mean the people but their deeds. Like an example I have cats in the garden they aren’t mine ok but I give them food. Now I supposed my maid is a worker and should do her job whole heartedly right? Or in other words perfectly or ok close to perfection….I trusted her but two days back I found out she was giving the cats frozen food. I was mad see this is another thing they aren't my cats but it hurt me more than if she did anything to me myself (by the way even when someone hurts others I get more hurt than when they do the same to me?I feel like I can cope with it but the others poor them)so back to the cat I just said poor cats. I added a little of hot water and let the thing be kind of warm. I told her please don't this again it isn’t right you wouldn’t like to eat that right?…She was mad…Well I didn’t do anything but because this is how people are I added the water and I didn’t scold her Plus I always give people excuses and I said poor her in my heart its her environment and upbringing she is ignorant I know.

As for my imperfection…I have never met a person who counts on her deed as I do. Who accepts criticism as I do and learn from others experience as I do. Accepts others views as I do. if Iam wrong and Iam told I accept it. and try my best to change opposite to the stubborn people who are abstinent and stick to even things which are apparently wrong but they will argue for their points Iam easy believe me. As for relationships I don want it I have my extended family like I said even if they aren’t perfect they are sure better than other people I have encountered in life..Ok now you tell me why they should be my mirror because for instance you see a best friend backbiting her dear friend …Now how will I ever trust that person come on



Yes Iam a believer and this belief is the thing that keeps me going in the straight part with Gods help.

The last part" And if this is symptom of a deeper issue, also consider professional therapy"


was my concern is there a disorder where you look at peoples features and say it in your heart look at his teeth look at …..Again to be clear I don’t abhor the person and I don’t even let him feel so.but I cant imagine myself married to him…got me I see around me life goes on with whoever whatever and I say something is wrong with me…I don’t see a problem for them they are happy fine. got it…but if I had a husband who doesn’t look good I would feel shy when people saw him…That kind of thing now here is where I criticize myself everyone seems to groove with whoever….and its my concern oh also I don’t like someone to see something bad on me …an example once I had a mole on my finger and I would feel shy if someone saw it…most of my family members are like that I assume is our upbringing….

Please let me know if this is a disorder or just a matter of nurture…

Serena,

My philosophy stems from the idea of taking personal responsibility for one’s emotional experience. I think of myself as “at cause” in my own internal world so to speak. So when it comes to any negative feelings I may be experiencing about the world around me, I look within and at myself first, to see which thoughts are connected to those feelings and how I can change my own mind, with a view of changing my perspective, which in turn changes my experience. That is what was behind my last comment to you. So if I were in your shoes and I found myself looking around at the people in my world and finding imperfection almost everywhere I looked, and it caused me emotional pain, my first step would be to look within to begin changing course. If I wanted to feel better, that is.

Let’s take the example you gave of the librarian shouting at the students about the books they touched. Your belief about this was “the librarian did a wicked thing by shouting at the students and that she had no right to do that”. Ok, if I were in your shoes, the first thing I’d do is look inside to see how I felt when I believed that. I’d ask myself a series of questions: Did I feel angry? Scared? Generally upset? How do those feelings make themselves known physically in my body? Do I feel the upset in my shoulders or in my chest or in my stomach? Then I’d ask myself to look at how I treat the woman I believe is responsible for my upset feelings. How do I look at her? How do I talk to her? And so on. Taking note of all of this raises awareness and allows you to detach from the thoughts and feelings generating upset within you. The next step I’d take would be to question the belief I emboldened. Is this belief true? Did the librarian do a wicked thing? How do I know for sure that it was wicked? Was it wicked only from my own perspective, since it’s obvious that the librarian didn’t think that shouting at the children was a wicked thing to do. More importantly, why am I judging her? Who am I to judge someone else as wicked, to determine what is right and wrong for the librarian?

After questioning myself along those lines, I’d move to what Byron Katie calls the turnaround. And by that I mean I’d take the belief that I have emboldened above and turn it around to apply to myself, like this: “I did a wicked thing by shouting at the librarian in my mind and I had no right to do that.” Of course, you did not literally shout at her in your mind. I am describing your judgment of her action in metaphoric terms. When I declare someone else as wicked, when I judge someone else’s deeds, I feel it on the inside as pain. When I move to acceptance, however long that takes (and in my own case, it can take a while sometimes!), I feel more peaceful, more in alignment with the world around me, and more available for joy. And all of that can happen within me without saying a word to the librarian!

Please don’t take any of the above to mean that I am condoning anyone’s unkindness. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know how unkind the librarian actually was, but she appeared unkind in your experience so I’m taking your word for it. It’s not about labeling someone else. It’s about moving back to a state of peace and harmony within yourself. Also, don’t take what I am saying to suggest that you should keep quiet about treatment you consider harmful to others. You can call someone on their unkind behavior from a place of internal peace. If that’s what you want.

And since this post is a doozy, I’ll quit now. I’m just going to add that being surrounded by people doesn’t mean you aren’t isolated. To observe that so many people around you aren’t as good as you are must be isolating, even if it’s just on an emotional level. I imagine it is difficult to connect with people who seem so problematic for you, especially when almost everyone you come across, with the exception of your family, is problematic. Even so, this is a free universe. You are free to experience life exactly as you want! I love that!!!