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Re: Marriage/My Mother

Hello Michele. Here’s hoping today finds you well.

Ah family… Can’t live with them, can’t live without, huh? After reading your comments, I would invite you to reconsider some of the assumptions/beliefs you have about what loving your mother means. It looks like you assume that loving your mother must mean inviting her to live with you and your husband indefinitely and that it would be selfish to do otherwise. Consider the possibility that expressing your love and gratitude towards her might very well mean, for you, that you relax your fears about her welfare and trust her to know how to take care of herself. Loving your mother might mean wishing her well and asking her to keep in touch as you move on with your own life. After all, according to you, she has made it to 60 years old without your direct care. She sounds like a lady who knows her mind and is fairly resourceful. I think the odds of her continuing to know what’s best for her are pretty high, going by what you’ve shared here.

Would your mother die if you moved? Well I’ll put it like this. She is going to die whether you move or not. Her death date will ultimately have nothing to do with your living arrangements. Even if your mother point blank states that she is going to let herself go physically if you move, her health still won’t be your responsibility. Even if you wanted to be responsible for her choices, you literally can’t.

Which leads me to this: you can let go of any guilt surrounding your feelings, or lack thereof, about this. That’s easier said than done, but it’s something to shoot for. You can let go of your guilt because in the end, your life is yours and your mother’s life is hers. This is a literal truth. You can no more control your mother than you can the weather. Of course you love your mother and of course you care about her. Even so, it is possible to love her without betraying your own inner guidance about what is best for you and your marriage. If you asked your mother to move in with you despite your husband’s wishes and your own inclinations out of guilt, she would know it on some level and you’d run the risk of poisoning your relationships. Listen to yourself! And if the day should ever come where you would love to invite your mother to stay with you from a clear and free heart, then you will.