Hey Richard, what’s happenin’?
Let’s get to it. First of all, you are not a sociopath. If you are worried about being a sociopath because you fear losing out on loving and being loved, then you can feel confident about being a non-sociopath. Sociopaths, from what I have read and heard, don’t worry about such things. Nothing you have said “proves” to me that you are a sociopath. And even if you were, are you sure you would not be able to love or be loved? Are you so certain that you wouldn’t be able to experience happiness?
Second, relax man! Take a deep breath. Let it go. Take another deep breath. Let it go. Repeat. Meditation might do you a bit of good. It’ll slow down all those thoughts swirling in that fevered brain of yours. It might also loosen up the anxiety as well. Speaking of, what are you really afraid of?
Third, you do not have to believe everything you think. You should Google Byron Katie’s, The Work. You don’t have to buy any books or anything. Just get the questions and work through them on the thoughts that create confusion and angst and needless worry within you, like the one where you tell yourself you are a sociopath.
Fourth, look around you. Look at all the blessings you have, like internet access and guitars and food and a place to sleep. There are so many people out there who do not have access to these gifts and yet they still find a way to be happy. How is that? Well one thing I bet many of them do is focus on gratitude. They find things to be grateful for instead of fearful about. Give it a try. Use your ever churning brain to seek out the blessings, both great and small, in your life. Deliberately turn your focus onto all the things you like about yourself and the world around you. It will make a huge difference in your outlook.
Finally, all is well. You may not be able to believe that right now. But what would your life be like if you could believe it? Who would you be if you could believe that you were safe and that the universe was always on your side? How anxious about sociopathy and normality do you think you would be?
All is well and all will be well and all manner of thing will be well!
No, you're not a sociopath. Atleast not based on your post. I'll just add that your thoughts and feelings are the exact things people like me (diagnosed with ASPD) laugh at in other people.
Laughing at other people, at the hands of your Mental Disorder? At least you saved her from anxiety :)
I don't even know if i believe at what I'm seeing. Have you searched around the internet for people like you. The stories are all too similar. I too feel and think similar to you. The age group is always around 19 to early 20's. They've smoked weed and drank. My story started after 15 when i told myself to remember to save this video game. I guess i thought too hard about it and then started thinking "what if i never get this thought out of my head". Lets just say i was never the same again. I became afraid whenever someone told me to remember to do something. i was depressed for about 3 years. forgot all about it and was doing alright. i mean i dropped out of school from anxiety. never got a job. smoked weed til where my new problem happened. I had a panic attack while smoking and thought it was a heart attack yada yada yada. you know the story. this happened this past January. I started looking up on the internet all day everyday on how to stop it and started finding out interesting things about the mind and how it works. I found this one technique to stop the panic attacks from panicend.com. It said to actually want the anxiety and you will break the cycle of fear. i started practicing it and i thought it worked. i thought. the next day i started to keep practicing it while out and about and then just out of nowhere i started thinking well if fear is a learned behavior and i can use this step to eliminate it, couldn't i do the same thing to become a murderer or something. that made me really worried. I started researching more into it and found out that all emotions are learned behaviors. This kinda took my spice out of life. The this weird thing happened last tuesday where i started obsessively doubting things and doubting doubts. That made me very anxious and i started freaking out bad. Then i dont even know how to explain it but like the anxiety came from the thought i guess not from doubt but i dont know what exactly it is i fear. anyway i was so nervous i wanted to end my life and then i kept thinking everything was fake. i was so nauseated from the anxiety. everytime i wanted to kill my self i thought "what if my mom came in and saw my corpse and how devastated she would be" then id counteract with "but its just a learned behavior to love me and feel devastated when you see this" that made me even more sick. i was so confused. i had to convince myself that i was fearing that doubt or contradictory feeling and see it as false. But i never look at things the same. i see myself not conversing with people because i analyze why they speak like that or why everything about is of them. I see myself going down the same path as you. i guess in a way i feel connected to you. like we are thinking the same. i can only assume that when you were writing this you felt as though you still had something that you couldnt explain on your mind that you wanted to write but just couldnt. i would really like to hear back from you. and the anxiety i think we feel is we think we can never go back to way we use to think and be. we miss it but we cant go back. Thats why theres so much anxiety is from the apprehension of how we will be able to pretend to be in society knowing the things we do.