I"m a male, 20 years old.

When I was 7 or 8, I began what might be called "experimenting" with my younger sister, "Penny".

I had this thing for exposing myself. I'd undress myself and show her my stuff. I'd also coerce her into kissing.

We took naps every afternoon in the same room. This went on for months to even maybe several years. I don't remember for sure.

My sister was always reluctant, but I didn't force her to do anything.

Finally, I stopped.

A year or two passed. I almost forgot about it.

I was around 10 when "Penny" finally told my mother.

Mom was horrified. Sat me down. Her and Dad had a big talk with me. Made sure I knew it was "wrong" and never to do it again.

I was ashamed.

In my defense, I have grown up in a large, very close-knit family.

Yes, we are extremely sheltered and extremely unsocialized. So unsocialized, in fact, that although my brothers and I are most assuredly straight, we have never had girl-friends or had much interactions with the opposite sex outside our home.



At 12, the fantasies returned, and I began the same sort of "experimenting" with "Penny". Only this time, I sometimes also experimented with my other little sister, "Jane".

I coerced them into doing it. They never resisted. Always were reluctant.

I always felt ashamed. I confessed to my parents directly afterwards.

Again. The big talk. "That's a big no-no".

So, I kept it to a minimum after the 2nd Big Talk.


At 14, the urge returned AGAIN. I began experimenting again with my sisters. Mostly "Penny".

I convinced her to start "kissing" me. Kind of obsessed with "kissing". I felt like I should get some sort of sexual gratification from it.

Exposed myself to her and "Jane". I coerced them into exposing themselves.

I know this is gross, but I have a point. Please bear with me.

Finally, I planned a night for my sister and I in the attic one night. Dad and Mom let us sleep up there.

My sister, "Penny," was 11. I was 14.

I coerced my sister and I into taking off all our clothes, and I coerced "Penny" into kissing me as well.

That was all.

Afterwards, both Penny and I felt so ashamed, we crawled down from the attic, woke up our parents, and promptly confessed.

I have so many times regretted that night.

After that, nothing much happened.

I have never been 'in love' with Penny, not at all.

I have apologized to "Penny" many times since then. She's told me she forgives me.

I have two older brothers, and both of them were a little worse about "experimenting" or "abusing" "Penny" then I was.

Ironically, after my older brother made one pass too many at "Penny" when "Penny" was 12 or 13, "Penny" found a refuge in me.

She began drawing closer to me--in a perfectly normal way--as she grew up more.

Now, "Penny" is 17.

She is a beautiful young woman who has openly discussed her abuse with her parents, and I know for certain my brothers now have completely stopped as well. We have all talked, apologized.

She seems to be healing. My brothers seemed to have moved on.

The problem is, I am haunted by demons of 6 years ago.

"Penny" considers me her best friend. She seems to think we have a very healthy relationship.

How can I tell her the truth? Never in a million years would I betray her trust. Not ever again.

But I am horrified by unwelcome and uncalled-for erections that crop up when she hugs me too long.

Terrifed by voices that tell me why not just kiss her, what's so bad with kissing her?

How do you shut them off?

I want to know other people's opinion on my behavior. That's because I want to deal with self-guilt I still feel, years later. I want to know how to mute the voices that still come whispering in my head.

"Penny" thinks I'm her best friend.

I want to be able to reciprocate that perfectly natural familial love that she feels towards me. I want to re-establish a healthy relationship with my sister so I can be that wonderful big brother she thinks I am.

Opinions are welcome.

Howdy John. First of all, thanks for being brave enough to share the kinds of thoughts you have shared here. You took a risk because you want to get help and that takes courage. Kudos.

I’m also glad to hear that you and your brothers have moved on. Here’s hoping that all of your family has learned whatever it is you all needed to learn from this situation and that you all grow strong and even more loving as a unit.

I got to tell you man, I was not going to respond to this because it is way out of my depth. The most I know about dealing with unwanted thoughts, the kind that can be crippling, are the depressive type. The depressive thoughts I suffered from used to “tempt” me to commit suicide on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, I wrestled with depression for years. When it got to the point where I knew my life was in danger, I went through a prolonged period of actively questioning those thoughts using self help techniques like inquiry as well as actively disentangling my sense of identity from them. It took roughly 4 months but by the time I was done I was never plagued with depressive thoughts again. But sexually obsessive thoughts… that sounds a horse another color to me.

Have you considered seeking professional help? You might want to think about that option. A self help tool you might also consider is called The Work, by Byron Katie. The questions are simple, straight forward and I have found the process to be very useful. Also, fighting your urges might make them stronger, in a sense. You ever heard the saying that what you resist persists? I’m thinking that dynamic might be involved here. Now don’t read what I am saying as an endorsement of incest. I am neither condemning or approving. Judgment isn’t my business. What I mean by resisting is, if you condemn yourself every time you become sexually aroused or every time you have a thought that you deem inappropriate about your sister, that attitude, that attempt at repression might very well increase rather than decrease the unwanted thoughts and emotions. So you can try forgiving yourself for what you did to your sister first of all. Now that you know better, you are doing better, according to you. Then secondly, when the unwanted thoughts and emotions appear next, rather than move into automatic rejection and judgment mode, simply notice them. Notice the thoughts as they appear. Pay attention to the way your body responds to those thoughts, in the form of arousal. Just sit with them. Then watch as they move out of your consciousness of their own accord. If your mind moves into hyper judgment/fear mode, notice that as well. Take a step back and become the witness.

But that’s all I got. Like I said, the above might not be helpful for someone with these kinds of thoughts/arousal habits. I do hope you find what works for you though.

Hello, it's good that you've come forward. Not many people would have the courage to do so.
I can relate to you in that i've experienced wrong sexual thoughts. Now I don't know if you are christian but since you said you're dealing with demons so you're either speaking metaphorically or you at least believe in evil spirits. Whatever the answer, I would suggest visiting a local church :)
If you're Religious or not the people there are a loving family, you don't have to share all the details but tell them you are struggling with sexual temptation, and that you need support from caring, understanding people, churches are full of them! Everyone lusts from time to time, it's something everyone can relate to.
Try talking more in depth with the local priest, vicar or pastor; they won't judge you they deal with these things a lot so just whack it a try. Explain to them how you feel, ask them to get rid of the thoughts or demons inside you and they'll probably pray for you and offer some advice.
Be open and have faith!
Outside of a supporting community try seeking counseling from a professional; the councilor shows you what to do, the community is the muscle that drives it!
I hope I've helped.